Battling Addictions with Love (Audio)

ITP #33: This week on Inside the Pomegranate, Anush starts off her lenten journey discussing addictions. Open conversations with her friend who is a recovering addict, help us to realize the importance of God's hope and love in our lives.
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Battling Addictions with Love

Over the course of these past two weeks, I have been in discussions with a dear friend of mine.  She is a young 19.  And an addict.  It's made me think a lot about addictions.  I mean, I too have my own addictions that I'm working on.  I've come to my own understanding that sugar and I don't mix.  Or sadly, we mix too well.  Just a little bit for me, leads me to want and crave more.  And so I have had to cut it out of my life.  My friend is addicted to drugs of all kinds, and alcohol.  Over the course of these past two weeks, we have been having some discussions about God, integrity, self-worth, honesty, and ultimately peace.

When we think of people with drug addictions, our mind takes us to what we've seen on TV and movies, right? The typical drug addict: circles under the eyes, thin, vacant look on his or her face, missing or decaying teeth, zoned out, dissheveled.  You know the type, right?  But this is not the face of addiction in this case.  My friend is young, fresh-faced, beautiful smile, intelligent, fit, vibrant and charismatic.  Yet, she is an addict.

That's just one type of addict.  I'm the another type.  I'm a sugar addict.  It's taken a long time for me to figure this one out, but it's the absolute truth.  My whole life.  And yes, you may not think that a drug addiction and a sugar addiction are anywhere near the same thing.  Her addiction is to illegal drugs.  My addiction is to sugar, which is not only legal but is put in all kinds of foods,not only desserts and sweets, but it's hidden in everything from peanut butter to breads and cereals.  But the reaction is the same, and the emotional triggers that lead to it are the same too.

As our chats have continued this week, we've been touching on everything from protecting her abstinance from relapse, to surrounding ourselves by the right people: People that will elevate us and not bring us down.  We talked about that slippery slope of just one bite (for me), just one hit or drink (for her) and how we’re out of control and it can send us spiraling down.  She doesn’t want to go there.  We talked about understanding that no matter how long the period of abstinence from a substance, that addiction would still be there.  Look at what happened to Philip Seymour Hoffman after 22 years of being clean.  There’s a lot of pain there.  She understands the gift of a life…but she says there are times where she allowed herself to just spiral down.  Isn't that true of all of us?  Aren't there times that we just allow that negative spirit to take a hold of us and pull us, resigning ourselves to self-loatheing and feeling sorry for ourselves?  Focusing in on the problems that arise in the darkness rather than the solutions that lie ahead in the light?

I don't know anything about drug addiction.  And I don't really know much about drugs either beyond the scope of what I learned over watching back to back seasons of Breaking Bad, or Nurse Jackie on TV.  But I do know my own reality.  And all I can offer to my friend is my own experience and what I find strength in when I feel the need to reach for a sugary friend rather than dealing with what is stimulating that urge.  

Digging deep, through all the layers, it all goes down to the basic question:  Why am I here?  God's gift to us is life.  But it's up to us to take that gift and nurture it, grow it, and make it flower.  It was funny.  Hearing myself explain this to my friend, I was strengthening my own convictions.  So what is God's plan for us?  We talked about this.  I think each of us has to find our own joy.  What is it that makes us happy?  What is it that makes us feel like we have purpose?  For me, I find the most joy when I am creating and when I am helping the needy.  I often hear, "Your homeless outreach is such a blessing to people."  I don't look at it that way.  The reality is that the outreach is a blessing to ME. And I think anyone who has joined us on our homeless outreach has felt this. Feeding and clothing the homeless is necessary in my life because it gives my life purpose.  Yes, I have plenty of other purpose too.  I am a mom, a daughter, a sister and aunt.  I'm an artist, a wife, and all that. But I think that when we have a passion and a purpose and it's pointed in carrying out Christ's teachings of love and compassion, our lives take on a different meaning. They feel more fulfilled.  I'm totally not blowing my own horn here so please don't take it that way, but when I'm not involved in this work, I don't feel complete. That's when I start feeling empty.  And it's important to feel "full" of life.

And so what is her purpose in life?  I asked my friend, "If I could wave a magic wand and you could be anything at all in life, what would you choose?  What would you want to be?"  She got really quiet.  There was a minute of thoughtful silence.  And quietly she answered, "I think I would like to teach."  Beautiful.  A totally giving and fulfilling profession.  She is brilliant in math and science.  And we talked about the shortage of women role models in the math field and what a blessing she would be to young women, empowering them in their education.  Purpose.  

She is young.  And so the following day, I saw new joy in her when she told me she had applied to community colleges and completed her FAFSA application and sent it in.  I think there is trepidation in going back to school as well. Drugs and alcohol are prelevent in colleges and universities.  And when you're in recovery, being surrounded by your addiction can break you.  And that's where God steps in. 

Since we are created by God, and God is in each one of us, there is tremendous potential in each of us to create our own happiness and spread that light to others.  It's there, but we have to tap into it.  And we have to want to "work it" so to speak.  Without realization of that potential, it's easy to just waffle through life.  And that's when we get caught up in losing our focus.  That's when we are most vulnerable and that's when the door is open to find that happiness outside.  And it happens.

Despite the fact that I have always practiced my faith, I have used sugar as a crutch when it came to feeling my feelings.  Any reason was a good one for chocolate, right?  And I never really thought of it as an addiction before until over Christmas when I found myself having an inner dialogue with myself.  The angel on one shoulder asking myself why I was indulging again when clearly it was not in my best interest, and the devil on the other shoulder saying, "Shut up and pass the chocolate."  Searching inside, I find that my desire to be moderate is there, so why is it so difficult?  

Talking with my friend, she agreed, despite the time in spent abstaining, the addiction persists. Hanging out in the wings, waiting for that weak moment where you think you're in control.  But there is no control, and the downward spiral begins.  The good news is that you are never alone.  Ever.  The bad news is, that tempation is all around us.  \

For her short 19 years, she has seen a lot.  The drugs were there when she needed to fit in, when she was feeling unaccepted, when there was a need for comfort.  The numbness of the high kept her from feeling what was too painful in her young life.  One addiction led to another.  And another.  Tough love didn't work.

What was missing in her childhood was "love" - the unconditional, selfless love of a parent for their child.  What is missing in her life is an understanding of God.  This is what we talk a lot about.  Approaching all things through love.  The concept is foreign to her.  A loving God that cares for us. That is there for us when we need hope and strength.  As she works through her recovery, I see that she's trying to understand.  She wants to understand.  We talk a lot about acceptance and forgiveness, again, not easy concepts to grasp when you don't know God.  But we're getting there.

Last week, as we spent time together, a text message came in.  It was the notice that episode 1 of the Lenten Journey with Fr. Vazken had posted.  She was receptive to hearing it.  And so we sat and listened.  And it was so appropriate because the very first lesson was the desire in ourselves to be well.  And the second lesson, that we can't rely on others for our wellness.  It is up to us to do all that we can to see to our wellness.  Yes, we have the tools and the support from others, but until we can admit to ourselves that we want to be well and take the first steps, it's just not going to happen.

And so that's where we are.  We've been listening to each episode together each night.  Slowly, she is understanding the stability of a loving home.  There is a lot of guilt inside her.  And sadness.  But there is also this beautiful and bright light that I know will shine brightly if allowed to grow.  I shared with her one of my favorite quotes from the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King:  "There can be no deep disappointment, where there is not deep love."  Trying to reassure her that there are people that do love her, and that their disappointment in her life's course of events was only because of the love they have toward her.  There are just many different ways of showing it, and what is needed in this case is wrap-your-arms-around-her, and tell her that no matter what, you will love her type of love.

On the third night, she told me of her life.  She shared with me everything she had been through.  More than anyone should have to experience in a lifetime.  The evening ended with a long hug.  In the morning, at work at my desk, I received a message from her.  A quote by Alan Cohen:

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself.  They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty, and your purpose when you are confused."

This Lenten Journey is going to be an extra meaningful one for both my friend and I.  The road to healing is going to a long one, but hopefully one of strength, peace, and a desire to be well.  We can't do it alone.  We hold on to one another, and God provides the love for us to accept, forgive, and be made whole.

The Journey Continues ...

Not I, nor anyone else can travel that  road for you.
You must travel it by yourself.
It is not far.  It is within reach.
Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know.
Perhaps it is everywhere - on water and land."
- Walk Whitman, Leaves of Grass

Prior to lent, I started my year off with the “One Little Word” project.  I blogged about it…my word for the year being Balance.  But then early on in my Lenten journey, I decided that Balance just wasn’t going to work for someone like me that does so much teetering.  Lent gave me that focus to really hone in on me, my life, what needed tweaking now, and what needs sorting through later.  Balance had to take a back burner to PEACE.  And so a few weeks ago, I declared my new word for the year.  PEACE.  And my Lenten journey is helping me to achieve it.

One of the things I worked on(and am still working on), is keeping a check on negativity.  I don’t think of myself as being a negative person at all.  But there are things in my life that I would like to change, and sometimes these things are not entirely in my control.  Or maybe they are but they require patience (also not one of my strong suits).  This leads to a degree of negativity that tends to cloud over my days sometimes.  So I’ve really been trying to make that a focus, an awareness, on my journey.  So here's an example of how the scenario goes: I’m at work, feeling like a square peg in a round hole, and I start getting all dark inside, and that leads to a mental funk.  A few minutes later, I’m assessing the situation and stopping myself from going there (okay, I'm there, but stopping myself from going deeper in).  And I’ve been turning it around and trying to focus on the positive:  I am alive; We are able to pay the bills, We ate today… I am warm today. You get the idea.  And it has really helped me to work on the “peace” issue.  The problems might still be there…and it’s not that they’re not going to get a serious looking at, but being negative in light of so much positive is just not productive.

And the second thing that I worked on was gossip – especially being on the receiving end.  This one was difficult and I’ll tell you why.  Like vegetarianism, when you don’t partake in it, the person that you’re not partaking with feels that you are judging them.  And that’s totally not the case.  I have had to stop friends and say, “if it’s bad, please don’t share that with me…I’m working on it for lent.”  I didn’t say what “it” was.  Or in the event that we were in a group, and there was conversation going on, I had to stop myself from commenting…which again is viewed as you being aloof or not wanting to participate.  BUT, I have to say that the feeling afterward is one of exhilaration. I remembered back a few years ago when I was much heavier than I am today.  Because I wasn’t happy with myself back then, I was hyper critical of others.  Whereas now, the focus is more on self-improvement. The no gossip has also gone hand in hand with the no negativity thing.  Gossip is negative.  No room for it.  And both of those have made me much more peaceful inside.

My lenten journey has helped me keep my focus on things.  There is a LOT of room for improvement in my life.  I do still need to re-visit balance and patience, but I have a feeling that they will eventually come.  Even though lent is almost over, the journey is really just beginning.  Now it’s time to take what I’ve learned about myself, and move it forward. Of course, none of these are possible without prayer – a dialogue between myself and God which helps me focus and feel like I’m on the right track.  

This Sunday being Palm Sunday, I’m looking forward to taking communion again.  It’s been six weeks.  There’s a lot to atone for, and a lot to be thankful for. I hope your Lenten journeys have been fulfilling as well.  May God give us the strength to grow from what we have learned over this period of introspection, and to carry it forward in our lives.
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You can hear this podcast read on epostle's weekly podcast, The Next Step with Fr. Vazken.  Click here to tune in.

Are you trying to get healthy?  Lose some weight?  Join me on "The Journey of the Pudgy Pomegranate" at www.pudgypomegranate.blogspot.com  

Controlling My Inner Martha

Painting by Dr. He Qi       www.heqigallery.com

On our drive home from church on Sunday afternoons, my mom and I usually like to discuss the day's sermon.  This Sunday, being the Sunday of Expulsion  we were talking about obedience to God, the shortcomings of humanity, and then, out of the blue, my mom says, "You know...there's one Bible story that I just don't like!  It's the story of the two sisters, Mary and Martha."  So I asked her what it was that didn't sit right with her.  So she told  me the story:  Jesus was good friends with Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha.  The story goes that Jesus was invited to dinner, and Martha tended to all the house prep, cooking and cleaning and serving her guest, while Mary sat at Christ's feet and listened to His teachings.  When Martha had had just about enough of being the only one working, she asks Jesus if it's right that Mary is just kicking back while she's slaving away over a hot stove, and Jesus gives Martha a kind little reprimand saying that her sister has the right idea.  Okay, this is the simplified "mom" version...but it's on the money.  And mom continued, "I don't like it because Martha is working so hard.  I'm like Martha.  If Jesus were coming to my home, of course I would want the BEST that I have to offer for Him.  I would want to put out the best food, and make sure my house was clean.  I'd want to make sure that he was offered food and drink.  And I'd want him to feel at home.  So poor Martha is doing all of this and her sister is just sitting there!  Of course Martha would be upset.  I would be upset too.  That's why I don't get this story.  Didn't Jesus see that Martha was doing all of that for Him?  Why did Jesus take sides with Mary?"

We did talk about the obvious answer...that Christ wants us to listen to Him, to spend time with Him.  The rest of the hoopla is not important. But we arrived home, and then  there was lunch to fix, so the discussion got cut short.  But I have been thinking about this for two days now and came to the conclusion that there were two issues at hand.

The first is  "Priorities".  It's not so much that Mary was spending time with Christ - that's a given.  But it's more about the fact that Mary put Christ first above everything else.  Mary understood that once Jesus came to their home, she would put aside everything else and make Christ her priority because nothing else could be as important as being "present" in Christ..  I mean, when would she ever have that opportunity again?  And because of that, would she want to sit and absorb everything she could about Him? or would she want to be dishing up pilav in the kitchen?  On the other hand, that part is important too.   It's just not AS important.  So I was thinking of these priorities during my morning prayer.  I like to pray first thing in the morning, at about 5:00 a.m.  I love this special time alone in the morning, and my intention is good - to set aside quality time with God - BUT my life is hectic.  Inevitably during my prayer time, as I'm trying to purge my mind and focus on prayer, the Martha in me makes an appearance and allows my day-to-day to creep in.  Then Mary corrals my thoughts back to prayer. Then Martha reminds me of all I have to do, then Mary takes the reins, well, you get the idea.  I'm going to have to work on that.  Focus and prioritization!

And then the second fault of Martha was that she allowed what started off as her JOY - to offer her hospitality to Christ - to become a negative.  Her goal was to do something wonderful to show her love for Jesus.  But she allowed anger, resentment, and jealousy toward her sister to creep in.  She was probably feeling like she wanted Jesus' praise for all the trouble she was going through for Him.  Instead Mary was the shining star of the day.  I can totally understand how she felt.  And the Bible doesn't mention how Martha's comments probably hurt Mary and caused her embarrassment .  Negativity breeds negativity.   Sometimes, it's the very thing that we're most passionate about that can frustrate us the most.  Only because we have a vision of how we want things to be.  And there's a healthy dose of pride - okay, an unhealthy dose -  attached as well as we embark on the path to making things "just so."  But we are not perfect.  It's better to let things go that we are not in control of.  We can't control what someone else does.  We can't control the Mary.  Mary is just fine the way she is.  All we can do, is control the Martha.  Try our best to do our best, but in all things to act out of extreme love.

During this Lenten season, I'm going to try to control my inner Martha, and set my priorities on living a Christ-centered life more like Mary.  With only four weeks to go, I have my work cut out for me.

Looking Inward for Lent

It's hard to believe, but January is over and February is well underway.  For those of us that made resolutions, it's time to revisit them and assess our progress. This year, I chose one word to be a mantra, a resolution for myself.  And that word is "Balance."   I chose this word to help me focus on balancing my life, my diet, my time, my sleep.  One month into the new year, I'm still not feeling like I'm hitting the mark, but I am working on it.  The year's not over yet. 

But there's another time to set aside some time for introspection other than new year.  And that's the period of lent.   As young children, we would think for weeks about what we were going to "give up" for lent.  It had to be something we truly loved and never homework or brussels sprouts.  Inevitably, my mom and I would always give up chocolate.  But as I got older and started learning about our Armenian Orthodox faith, I started following the dietary restrictions for this period.  A full vegan diet for 40 days.  The first few years were tough, but now, we're so used to it, that's it's a welcome change for us as we bring our diets down to the basics in the idea of simplifying our lives.  

But it's not only about what we're taking into our bodies that we need to focus on, but also a look inward.  I'll never forget a lesson I learned from one of my friends at church.  This was about 6 or 7 years ago.  We had just come out of church and were standing outside chatting.  I don't remember what the conversation was about, but I turned to my friend and I started, "I shouldn't say this but..." and before I could say another word, he stopped me and said, "Then don't!"  I always remember that.    Yes, I was embarrassed for myself, but my friend was acting out of love...and he was so right.  We had just left church.  We had just taken the body and blood of Christ within us.  So his "Then don't" admonition really struck a cord and I think of that day and his words often.  And it's saved me on many occasions from gossiping.

That year, besides our vegan dietary restrictions, I also gave up gossiping for lent.  Not only not gossiping, but refusing to be part of the listening end as well.  That's the tough one.  But I learned something too.  I learned that if I couldn't speak or listen to the bad comments about someone, that without the fueling by words of the negativity about that person, their shortcomings soon fizzled out and were forgotten.  Isn’t that what we ask for ourselves? To be forgiven…for our misdeeds or wrongs to be forgotten?  Once you remove that factor, you realize that we are all the same inside...with insecurities, and good days and bad. It's the very negativity of gossip that fuels that hatred and ill-will, and makes us unable to forgive or live up to our full potentials as Children of God.  So my gossip restriction is something that I try to do year-round, but during lent, I am able to give it more focus.

But it doesn’t need to be about that either.  But more of an introspection on ourselves.  What can we improve about ourselves?  Maybe it’s having a little more patience with an elderly person in your life.  Maybe it’s changing your attitude at work.  Or a conscious effort to see the good in small things.  How about spending quality time with God and setting aside a daily prayer time?  Or taking a Facebook break and spending that time with your family or helping someone in need.  The possibilities are endless.

As we start our personal Lenten journeys, whatever they may be, let’s ask God for strength to show us how He sees us…and to work on those things that we fall short of.  We are works in progress.  Let’s embrace this Lenten period as a time of much needed renewal – body, mind and spirit.

Oh!  I almost forgot!!  :  If you're working on getting healthy (losing weight, exercising, etc.), follow my new blog:  the Journey of The Pudgy Pomegranate.  Let's do this together! 

Truly!  I looked up "gossip" images on Google, and look what I found!