ITP #13:
What is the measure of your success? Are you goal oriented? Or are you more about learning along the way? This week, Inside the Pomegranate takes a look at success, failure, determination and perseverance.
Links: www.pudgypomegranate.blogspot.com
Produced by Suzie Shatarevyan for epostle.net
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Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
16 September 2013
Success: It's a Personal Thing
So I thought about it. I mean I did the Avon Walk. I set out to walk 39.3 miles in 2 days and I did it. So that was a success. I thought about the fact that I was walking with my brother, and my sister-in-law by my side...and my daughter, sister and my husband were working on crew. My younger brother was texting me while I was walking for updates. And I thought about how blessed I am to have a close relationship with my family. Was that a success? For me, yes, although I think success usually is goal related, and has a positive outcome or objective met, right? I thought of my past history with breast and colon cancer. My objective was to fight it...and I did. I was walking and I am healthy. So I am successful when it comes to that. So all was good. I mean, I just thought about it. A lot. What is success? What makes us successful? Do you always have to reach your objective to be a success? This type of thing.
So last Wednesday, I went to my WW meeting with my questions in hand. But at weigh in, after walking over 40 miles that weekend, I got to my weigh in to find my weight up 1.8 pounds. Really??? I mean after walking over 40 miles this past weekend. After all the training. And then to add salt to the wound, my friend who started the same week as I did back in February, hit her 40 pounds lost...and I just felt so low and defeated. All this negative speak was going on in my head. How come I can't have that success? Seriously. There was no way I was feeling successful. And the thing is, that I work so hard at it. Tracking my intake, drinking my water, staying active, eating healthy when my highly successful friend doesn't do any activity and manages to consistently have the scale heading lower and lower every week. So I'm sitting there all disappointed, and trying to hold it together and be happy for my friend. But inside, i'm just feeling really sad.
And then our leader gets up and introduces the next topic and invites me to come up and speak. So I start off telling everyone a little bit about how I felt prior to joining. This part was fine. I told them I used to weigh much more that I do now...but I had also weighed less than I do now as well. And the whole thing about the empty nest when Ani got married, emotional eating and how I needed to get things back into balance and control so I re-joined. Okay this was all fine.
But the next question was, "What helped you believe that you could succeed?" That was a tough one because really, the way things were going, I don't really know if I can succeed. I mean, I'm doing all that's humanly possible. So I explained that believing in success is one thing. And believing in fighting for what you want is another. I told them about how I was a survivor...and how I had just walked this amazing 39.3 mile walk. And then....I went there...to the dark place. I told them that despite all my efforts the scale was not moving. I told them about the plateau. I told the how frustrated I was...and then, I got all choked up. Tears were coming out. I felt totally stupid. My nose was running. I told them how it was so difficult to sit here week after week and listen to their successes. By this time, I can't make eye contact. I'm standing up there, looking at my little paper and reading from it. I told them that I had no idea why Sandy had chosen me to speak about success. That I wasn't a success. Blah blah blah. I mean, it was difficult. At this point, I look up at the people in my meeting, and guess what they did? Half of them were standing up....to support me. One lady yelled out..."You are a success! What about the 60 pounds that you're successfully keeping off? What about fighting cancer?" I was genuinely touched by their support. Sandy went and brought me a tissue and threw an arm over my shoulder.
It's true, yes. But those aren't the successes that I was focusing on at the moment. Flash forward to this afternoon, because I kept thinking about it. We were at dinner at my daughter and son-in-law's home, and I asked them what they felt was the meaning of success. Ned (my husband)'s answer was "You set a goal. You achieve it. That's success. Plain and simple." Boo. I didn't like that one.
My son-in-law had a different take on success. He said, "There are two types of success. You set a goal and have the outcome according to how you planned it. That's one type of success. Or you set a goal, have a plan, work on achieving the plan but you may not be able to meet the objective HOWEVER, if you've learned something along the way, then you're successful." I liked that one better.
And Ani's response, "You have a goal and a plan. You work toward the goal. You're a success if you continue to grow and keep trying. Goals change. You have to learn and keep going. Once you stop learning, you stop growing. Once you stop growing, you stop caring." How true is that? Right?
So I came home and looked up meanings of success: Dictionary.com stated success as "The achievement of something desired, planned or attempted." Another site said, "The accomplishment of one's goals. The attainment of wealth, position, honors or the like."
The thing is that our successes are individualized and personal. I may achieve exactly the same thing as someone else yet not feel as successful as the other. Or vice versa. It made me remember high school geometry (worst subject EVER!!!) I'd feel successful if I could just pass the test. Yet, if my friend didn't get an A on her test, she felt like a failure.
So going back to my meeting, I added, there are other successes. Like perseverence, and trying. And I guess for me, that's what I will need to measure my successes by. I'm like the Little Engine That Could. I keep saying, "I think I can, I think I can." It's not easy. I have a lot of stresses in my life. Dealing with cancer, follow ups and check ups, family, taking care of my mom, running a homeless outreach, trying to build my own business, holding down a full time job. There are things that I can control, and things that I have no control over. I can do my best to stay on plan (which I do). I can track my intake (which I do). I can do everything I'm supposed to, and one of the most important things that we all have to do is to be honest with ourselves and take responsibility for our actions (which I do pretty well most of the time). So if we're doing all these things and the outcome is still not as planned, then what?
Well, I think we have to not necessarily change the goal as much as we need to re-assess. What have I learned along the way on this journey? Discipline. Control. Perseverence. Patience. And then were there positive outcomes other than the scale that I achieved? Well, yeah. Being healthy, maintaining weight loss, getting a grip on emotional eating. So I guess it's about seeing the glass as half full rather than half empty.
Finally, I noted a couple quotes on success that I wanted to share with you all:
Winston Churchill said, "Success is not final; failure is not fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts."
How about this one: Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value." Albert Einstein
And here's a great one: "Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome." Booker T. Washington.
I am on this journey. The goal is to be healthy. I know what I need to do. All I can do is do the best that I can do. Honestly. If I am doing my best, taking responsibility for my actions, and learning along the way, then I can call that a success. My body has its own personal agenda. As much as I wish I could measure my success by the scale, my success has to have a different measure. It has to be measured in knowing that I am eating right, that I am well for now, that I am being honest, accountable and doing the best that I can on the road to being healthy.
And finally one last thought from Dale Carnegie: Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
How do you measured success? I'd love to hear from you. Leave your comments here! And have a fantastic and successful week! Let's all try to focus on our successes, however they may be measured.
22 July 2013
Recommiting (Audio)
ITP Episode #5: On this week's episode, we take a look at goals. Are you too hard on yourself? Are you a perfectionist? Anush takes a look at commitments....and then discusses re-commitment to our wellness goals with a kinder, gentler outlook. It's all here, Inside the Pomegranate!
Links: Pomegranate & Eye handmade jewelry by Anush
Avon Walk Team In Her Shoes Page
Produced by Suzie Shatarevyan for epostle.net
Look for Inside the Pomegranate on BluBrry
Subscribe to Inside the Pomegranate by Email
Get Inside the Pomegranate on iTunes
Play Now:
Links: Pomegranate & Eye handmade jewelry by Anush
Avon Walk Team In Her Shoes Page
Produced by Suzie Shatarevyan for epostle.net
Look for Inside the Pomegranate on BluBrry
Subscribe to Inside the Pomegranate by Email
Get Inside the Pomegranate on iTunes
Play Now:
Recommiting
This week I wanted to talk a little bit about commitment....and recommitment. I think it's good to kind of take a break right now, being that we're half way through the year already, and take a look at where we're going....and if we're still on track. So here we go with this week's pomegranate seed.
I don't watch a whole lot of TV. There's always so much to do and so much going on. Now that we've caught up on all the past episodes of Breaking Bad on Netflix, my time in front of the TV is not spent watching but usually either writing, blogging, paying bills, posting recipes or making jewelry at my work bench, which is in the family room. My mom has been staying with us, and having me in the same room at least allows us to spend time together.
This past week, mom was channel surfing and turned on a show called Extreme Weight Loss. This episode chronicled the weight loss of an Iranian guy that weighed over 450 pounds. At first we thought he was Armenian, so naturally we kept watching but I was interested in this show because of this guy's genuine commitment to his self improvement. His story was that he wanted to get healthy. And then one of the things he wanted to do was to propose to his girlfriend, but in Persian culture, as in Armenian, he would have to ask the girl's parents for her hand in marriage. And for that he wanted to put his best self forward. So he worked hard at it. Diet, exercise...and in three month's time he lost 137 pounds! So the months went on, he lost another 67 pounds and he was looking pretty good! The show kind of chronicles a year in 3 month periods. So during that second three months, hes lost a significant amount of weight..is feeling good about himself, so he goes to meet with the girlfriend's parents (which they didn't show), and the parents said no. Our guy is a DJ and a sound engineer, and I guess his girlfriend's parents told him they loved him, but wanted a doctor or lawyer for their daughter. The guy was devastated. And I guess shortly after this meeting he and his girlfriend broke up.
I'm actually getting at something here, so bear with me. So what ends up happening, is that in his depression, the guy falls back on his old habits. His trainer lives in a different state and on a weekly basis, the guy weighs in on video showing his weight in to his trainer who documents his progress. it's all great from the outside, except that it's a lie. We find out instead of reporting his weight to the trainer, our guy is manipulating the video and lieing to his trainer - panning the video of him stepping on the scale and then only showing the weight on the display. So this continues for a while, and then the time comes for the 9 month weigh in. The trainer comes back into town and notices his client is very down. He asks what's wrong. And the guy explains...he broke up with the girlfriend, he turned back to old habits...and....he's been lying to him about the weigh ins. He had put on over 45 pounds. If you could see the disappointment in the trainer's face...,and even worse, the disappointment in the guy's for what he had done. The trainer felt completely betrayed at being lied to, and then here's the part that really hit home with me: The trainer expressed his disappointment, but brought up the absurdity of the lie. Why would he do that? What would cause this guy to feel that he had to "be perfect"? Why couldn't he just be open at the beginning of his downfall and ask for help before the bad behavior escalated? Betraying one's self is the worst ever. The goals he had set forth to achieve were not put there by the trainer, but by himself. So why then did he feel this need to lie? Does this hit home with any of you? Because it did for me. Not that I lie about things...no. But this need to have to do everything right. All you do is set yourself up for failure, because the reality is that not one of us is perfect.For the guy, it was probably the first time in a long time that he had been in the limelight. He was his trainer's best client. He must have felt that need to not want to disappoint him after getting all the positive reinforcement not only from him, but from his family and friends who saw his transformation. Who would want to end that run on Cloud 9, right?
But the truth of the matter is that at some point, we've got to take resposibility for ourselves, TO ourselves. We have to honor our commitments to ourselves just as much as we honor commitments made to others. We are the ones that choose our goals. The discipline that is learned is difficult. The road is not easy. But ultimately, if we're to succeed, we can't do it for anyone else...to please anyone else.
And it's hard to keep that commitment going. In the beginning, we're excited about change. So we kind of impress ourselves, in a sense, about the newness of our commitment. But as the weeks, months, years go by, it's hard to keep things fresh. And I'm not talking only about weight. Think about new year's resolutions. Did you have a resolution that you made this year? Have you kept it? This applies to everything from drug or alcohol addictions, to just making some basic changes to get out and exercise more. Or to spend one on one time with family. Or with God. Whatever your goal is, it takes persistence and focus.
What undermines us...okay, what undermines me is that need for perfection. The all or nothing thinking. We start off totally commited to the change. And then we slip up -- of course, right? And the once we've blown it, even a little bit, do we immediately start over? Or do we wait for a special day or after a certain event passes in order to start over.
How about this scenario: You start a diet first thing Monday morning. You do great on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday, someone brings bakery madness to your office. You have just a half.....but then you start feeling bad that you blew it. and you think...hmmmm...it was so good. I'll just have the other half...and then start tomorrow. But tomorrow is Thursday. And that's so close to the weekend. And you know you're going to a party on Saturday. So you may as well, start over on Monday. You go to the party and it's like girls gone wild...you're "stocking up" because you know come Monday you start your diet. Right??? C'mon! I know I'm not the only one out here that's done this. Wouldn't we have been better of if we just understood that life is all about the journey. There are hills, road blocks, smooth roads...and it's up to us to figure out how to navigate and then still get to our destination feeling good about ourselves.
Okay....so this is the deal. RECOMMIT. And do it now. Not one of us is perfect. So let's not be so hard on ourselves. It IS about the journey and not the destination. I mean, seriously, God forgives us, right? So why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? The commitment to make change is never easy. And don't compare yourself to others. This is a real difficult one for me. If you follow my other blog, the Journey of the Pudgy Pomegranate, you know that I have a friend of mine that is dieting with me. I sabotage myself by comparing my success (or lack of) with hers. And the funny thing is that I'm not competitive in anything else. So we go to our weekly weigh ins and inevitably, I get discouraged by my tiny loss compared to her significant one. But how can we compare? Aren't we created uniquely by God? So why then should I compare my dead slow metabolic rate with someone else? I'm going to try really hard to "Commit' to stop that.
Finally, the most important thing -- and the reason for all of this desire for self improvement int he first place is the idea taking care of what God has given us. We are all given this beautiful gift of life. A few years ago, I had to take a stress test and got to see my heart beating on the screen. It was an epiphany. There is was. My heart that has been beating since the first day I was born...and had gone through so much with me. I remember being in tears watching how amazing it was...and thinking about how I had abused it. Think about it. Our bodies are miraculous. And it's up to us to appreciate them...and take care of what God has give us so that our bodies can serve God. Right? So if you've made your commitments in the past but they've fallen by the wayside, it's not too late. Recommit. In your heart, we all KNOW what we need to do. We don't need anything special. We just need to do what is right for us....and then roll with the punches. I haven't given up. Have you? I hope not. I've recommitted and I will recommit over and over again. It's a journey - a good one!--and the destination is a healthy, happy life.
On a different note: I know Father Vazken has shared with you all about my jewelry business, and I never seem to mention it, so I'll take this time right now to give a shameless plug. I make handmade silver, copper and bronze pomegranate necklaces out of metal clay. I got into playing with metals several year's ago, and have been having a lot of fun with it. First it was just silver....but after buying a kiln that opened up the door to work in copper and bronze as well. I also make eye bead jewelry. Yes, yes...the eye beads! Do I believe in them? Nope. But I do love the way they look. And Ive designed my own beads which I have made for my company. The name is Pomegranate & Eye (because I make pomegranates and eyes, right?). And you can find me on Etsy at www.pomegranateandeye.etsy.com. So I hope you'll go check out the online store. And I'm also on Fcebook as well as Pomegranate and Eye as well as just myself. : )
01 January 2013
New Year, New Beginnings, and a New Look
Happy New Year!
2012 was a wonderful year for me. So many life celebrations happened. I celebrated my first year of being cancer free. My daughter Ani got married, and just last week we went to Chicago to meet (and love) our first grandchild - Grace - my step-daughter Robyn's baby girl.
But there's more good stuff: I was team leader for an amazing group of walkers - Team In Her Shoes - and together we walked 39.3 miles in two days to put an end to breast cancer, and in the process we raised in excess of $35,000!
On the creative front, I completed the illustrations for my first children's book which is coming out this year, and I expanded my use of metals and started working in bronze and copper (as well as silver).
Last night, as we toasted in the New Year, I reflected back on New Years Eve 2011. I was "done" with that year. It was a tough one filled with cancer and surgeries, yet it was also a year of strength and focus, of hope and faith. As tough as that year was, it was still triumphant because we lived through it.
I can't hope that 2013 will be "better" than last year. Last year was pretty great. But I do hope that it will be just as good. There are definite goals for 2013. I'm declaring it a year to be healthy, to be happy.
So here is how I plan to achieve this:
1. Take the bus. Starting tomorrow I'm back on the bus. I've been driving to work for the past year (post surgery), and now I'm ready to switch back to public transportation. This will do a few nice things for me not to mention the environment -
a) It will force me to walk (I'm planning on walking the 6 blocks from our home to and from the bus stop); b) It will allow me time to read/crochet - both of which I love to do. It's a win/win!
2. Weight loss and Vegetarianism: I plan on tackling both. A couple months ago, I gave up eating meat. I'm having a bit of trouble balancing the food. No animal protein has meant higher carbs. I'm feeling it. It's time to get a grip on the balance. So I'll be working on finding the happy medium. Along the way I want to work out some good vegetarian low-cal recipes.
3. Continue to make time for daily prayer. I started this last year. Early morning, alone time with God before starting the day. I find that this prayer time sets the tone for the rest of my day.
4. Grow my business. Make time to create, photograph and list new items. www.pomegranateandeye.etsy.com
These are the main goals. I've got lots of ideas I'm thinking I'd like to walk in the Avon Walk again. The training will help my health goals (plus it's a lot of fun and for a great cause). I'd also like to make sure I get to bed earlier than I have been. But that remains to be seen. And then there's blogging. I'm hoping to blog regularly.
What about you? Do you have goals for the new year? Leave me a comment and let me know. Need motivation? Let me know!
Wishing you and your family a happy, healthy, and blessed new year filled with love, compassion, peace and joy!
But there's more good stuff: I was team leader for an amazing group of walkers - Team In Her Shoes - and together we walked 39.3 miles in two days to put an end to breast cancer, and in the process we raised in excess of $35,000!
On the creative front, I completed the illustrations for my first children's book which is coming out this year, and I expanded my use of metals and started working in bronze and copper (as well as silver).
Last night, as we toasted in the New Year, I reflected back on New Years Eve 2011. I was "done" with that year. It was a tough one filled with cancer and surgeries, yet it was also a year of strength and focus, of hope and faith. As tough as that year was, it was still triumphant because we lived through it.
I can't hope that 2013 will be "better" than last year. Last year was pretty great. But I do hope that it will be just as good. There are definite goals for 2013. I'm declaring it a year to be healthy, to be happy.
So here is how I plan to achieve this:
1. Take the bus. Starting tomorrow I'm back on the bus. I've been driving to work for the past year (post surgery), and now I'm ready to switch back to public transportation. This will do a few nice things for me not to mention the environment -
a) It will force me to walk (I'm planning on walking the 6 blocks from our home to and from the bus stop); b) It will allow me time to read/crochet - both of which I love to do. It's a win/win!
2. Weight loss and Vegetarianism: I plan on tackling both. A couple months ago, I gave up eating meat. I'm having a bit of trouble balancing the food. No animal protein has meant higher carbs. I'm feeling it. It's time to get a grip on the balance. So I'll be working on finding the happy medium. Along the way I want to work out some good vegetarian low-cal recipes.
3. Continue to make time for daily prayer. I started this last year. Early morning, alone time with God before starting the day. I find that this prayer time sets the tone for the rest of my day.
4. Grow my business. Make time to create, photograph and list new items. www.pomegranateandeye.etsy.com
These are the main goals. I've got lots of ideas I'm thinking I'd like to walk in the Avon Walk again. The training will help my health goals (plus it's a lot of fun and for a great cause). I'd also like to make sure I get to bed earlier than I have been. But that remains to be seen. And then there's blogging. I'm hoping to blog regularly.
What about you? Do you have goals for the new year? Leave me a comment and let me know. Need motivation? Let me know!
Wishing you and your family a happy, healthy, and blessed new year filled with love, compassion, peace and joy!
31 October 2011
On Being Honest
My blog is evolving as am I. When I started out, the idea of Inside the Pomegranate was to promote my jewelry business, Pomegranate & Eye. So I wrote about jewelry, and occasionally about our homeless outreach to the streets of Skid Row. And then cancer happened, so I started writing about my feelings and dealings with colon cancer, and then breast cancer, mastectomy, reconstruction. And then there was the garden, and the illustrations.
Tonight is the eve of my 2nd reconstruction surgery. Tomorrow, my surgeon will finish what he started back in May. Surgery is on a good number line up day: 11/1/11 at 1:00 p.m. : ) It's outpatient. And then I'll be off work for the rest of the week. I am not afraid....I'm beyond that now. After undergoing so many surgeries this year, I'm okay with this one. But there is one thing that I'm dreading, and that's the "drain" that he said I "may" have to have after surgery. I'm going to try to think positive ....but that is really a big drag.
So back to the blog. I was thinking about all that I've written about, and all that has yet to be written. The cancer is almost over...and so are the illustrations. The garden is lying dormant til the Spring. But there is an issue that I've had to deal with my entire life and that is.....:::::drumroll:::: my weight. And just like I thought it would be good for me to "go public" with my cancer, I think there's a need for going public with the issues that keep the weight on. So here we are.
Over the course of the past two years, I have lost a lot of weight. Slowly, but it has come off. I've worked really hard at it...and now I'm at a point where I'm about 15 pounds from my goal, and I just can't seem to get that motivation. So I joined Weight Watchers online thinking that I would follow the program and be held "accountable" for my actions/food choices. So I started the plan and found that during the day, I was doing great. Logging everything that I ate, drank, etc. But the evenings were a different story all together. That's when the snack monster wakes up. But here's the deal.
It would be okay with me if I snacked and accounted for it. But what happened over the course of this first week is that I found myself "cheating" on my accountability. There would be nothing wrong with eating something if I wanted to eat it. But what's got me is that I gave in on a number of times, and didn't want to log it...or didn't want to be "honest" with how many points or what I ate. So what's that about? Why this need to be perfect to myself? I mean, no one else sees my food journal. No one in my household cares whether I have a cookie or not. Isn't the whole idea of writing down our intake so that WE have a look at what we're doing?
Anyways, you get the idea. It is really bothering me and so I thought I would work on it here, on the blog, and be honest with it. Do any of you struggle with this? If so, I'd love to hear from you. I am going to focus this week, on being honest with myself. It's going to be a tough one as I'll be home recuperating from surgery this week, so the temptation will be there. But so will you.
Tonight is the eve of my 2nd reconstruction surgery. Tomorrow, my surgeon will finish what he started back in May. Surgery is on a good number line up day: 11/1/11 at 1:00 p.m. : ) It's outpatient. And then I'll be off work for the rest of the week. I am not afraid....I'm beyond that now. After undergoing so many surgeries this year, I'm okay with this one. But there is one thing that I'm dreading, and that's the "drain" that he said I "may" have to have after surgery. I'm going to try to think positive ....but that is really a big drag.
So back to the blog. I was thinking about all that I've written about, and all that has yet to be written. The cancer is almost over...and so are the illustrations. The garden is lying dormant til the Spring. But there is an issue that I've had to deal with my entire life and that is.....:::::drumroll:::: my weight. And just like I thought it would be good for me to "go public" with my cancer, I think there's a need for going public with the issues that keep the weight on. So here we are.
Over the course of the past two years, I have lost a lot of weight. Slowly, but it has come off. I've worked really hard at it...and now I'm at a point where I'm about 15 pounds from my goal, and I just can't seem to get that motivation. So I joined Weight Watchers online thinking that I would follow the program and be held "accountable" for my actions/food choices. So I started the plan and found that during the day, I was doing great. Logging everything that I ate, drank, etc. But the evenings were a different story all together. That's when the snack monster wakes up. But here's the deal.
It would be okay with me if I snacked and accounted for it. But what happened over the course of this first week is that I found myself "cheating" on my accountability. There would be nothing wrong with eating something if I wanted to eat it. But what's got me is that I gave in on a number of times, and didn't want to log it...or didn't want to be "honest" with how many points or what I ate. So what's that about? Why this need to be perfect to myself? I mean, no one else sees my food journal. No one in my household cares whether I have a cookie or not. Isn't the whole idea of writing down our intake so that WE have a look at what we're doing?
Anyways, you get the idea. It is really bothering me and so I thought I would work on it here, on the blog, and be honest with it. Do any of you struggle with this? If so, I'd love to hear from you. I am going to focus this week, on being honest with myself. It's going to be a tough one as I'll be home recuperating from surgery this week, so the temptation will be there. But so will you.
11 September 2011
Healing from the Inside Out
Yesterday, in training for next week's walk, Ani and I mapped our course and set out to "Walk to Lunch" at our favorite coffee shop in Glendale - Foxy's. We live in Sunland. The route consisted of walking uphill about 3 miles (next week's walk touts 13 miles of hills), into La Cresenta, through Montrose and down into Glendale. One of the things about training for a walk is the hours of time it takes to prepare. Considering we're walking about 3.2 miles per hour, a 15 mile walk like this one consumes 5 hours of time. And Foxy's is 15.5 miles from our home. This to me is viewed as the downside. My Saturdays are my only "catch up" day...housework, shopping, cooking, cleaning.
We started our journey around 8:00 a.m. Thankful for the overcast weather -- a nice change from the triple digits of last week. Walking with one's best friend is always pleasurable. When that best friend also happens to be your daughter, it's a double blessing. And while we walked, we talked about her new job, what's going on at my work, what I need to get done on an illustration job I'm working on, health issues, family issues. All of it. This is the beauty of walking. It allows you to talk. To have more than a 140 character conversation....it takes time.
And while we were walking, I started thinking about how far I had come. I mentioned to Ani, "My surgery was only 4 months ago." Her response: "Yes. And you need to remember that!" So true. It seems like it's been a long time, yet, only 4 months ago, I underwent a mastectomy and reconstruction with a tram flap procedure. Not easy. And here I am, walking. I also thought about years past. I have always done the Avon Walks no matter what size I have been. I am doing it this year 72 pounds lighter than 2 years ago...about 15 pounds lighter than last year. And the difference in great. Less stress on my knees, less blisters while walking, less aches and pains, and the hills are not as difficult as they once were. I remember when I started on this weight loss journey almost two years ago. I had gone to see a nutritionist...and I had also gone to see a cardiologist who did some echo studies of my heart. I only lasted 9 minutes on the treadmill that day, and then I got to see my heart as it recovered from the stress. Seeing my heart there on the screen was an epiphany to me. And thinking about it today, I still get teary eyed. I was looking at this amazing organ in my body....beating, like it had beat for the past 50 years, every day, day in and day out, never stopping. And what had I done for it? Abused it. Neglected it. Ignored it. And yet it kept up. Beating. Giving me life. That was the beginning of the journey. After seeing my heart, I couldn't go back to my old ways and so huge lifestyle changes were made. Less food, more exercise, changing up the proteins vs. carbs.
And I am healing inside as well. We were talking about that yesterday. People are nicer to you when you're thinner. But I think that I am a nicer person as well. I am not as judgmental. Which I think was a defense mechanism for my judgment on myself...and others' judgment of me. I have walked in the shoes of the obese and entered the medical category of "overweight" now. (Believe me..this was a big milestone for me.) I think what happens is that when we are down on ourselves the guilt and shame that we feel for the lack of discipline in our lives, turns outward and turns into criticism toward others who seem to have it under control.
Today is 9/11. Everyday is a day of forgiveness in the life of a Christian. Today marks the 10th anniversary of a day that changed all our lives. I remember the months after that terrible day. We saw a more united America. There were flags flying, and the country banded together - an unstoppable force. As we "healed", those patriotic feelings dwindled, and now it feels as if the country is more divided than ever. In order to heal, we need to work from the inside out. We need to heal ourselves first -- abusing the system, neglecting our responsibilities, judging others. We heal from the inside out -- removing the log from our own eyes before seeing the speck in others. I have a lot of hope for this world and for our beautiful country. The lives that were lost on that tragic day will always be remembered. But in order to move on, we need to forgive. Forgive ourselves and others. Pray for our enemies. Pray not only for our country, but for the World which we are all a part of.
We started our journey around 8:00 a.m. Thankful for the overcast weather -- a nice change from the triple digits of last week. Walking with one's best friend is always pleasurable. When that best friend also happens to be your daughter, it's a double blessing. And while we walked, we talked about her new job, what's going on at my work, what I need to get done on an illustration job I'm working on, health issues, family issues. All of it. This is the beauty of walking. It allows you to talk. To have more than a 140 character conversation....it takes time.
And while we were walking, I started thinking about how far I had come. I mentioned to Ani, "My surgery was only 4 months ago." Her response: "Yes. And you need to remember that!" So true. It seems like it's been a long time, yet, only 4 months ago, I underwent a mastectomy and reconstruction with a tram flap procedure. Not easy. And here I am, walking. I also thought about years past. I have always done the Avon Walks no matter what size I have been. I am doing it this year 72 pounds lighter than 2 years ago...about 15 pounds lighter than last year. And the difference in great. Less stress on my knees, less blisters while walking, less aches and pains, and the hills are not as difficult as they once were. I remember when I started on this weight loss journey almost two years ago. I had gone to see a nutritionist...and I had also gone to see a cardiologist who did some echo studies of my heart. I only lasted 9 minutes on the treadmill that day, and then I got to see my heart as it recovered from the stress. Seeing my heart there on the screen was an epiphany to me. And thinking about it today, I still get teary eyed. I was looking at this amazing organ in my body....beating, like it had beat for the past 50 years, every day, day in and day out, never stopping. And what had I done for it? Abused it. Neglected it. Ignored it. And yet it kept up. Beating. Giving me life. That was the beginning of the journey. After seeing my heart, I couldn't go back to my old ways and so huge lifestyle changes were made. Less food, more exercise, changing up the proteins vs. carbs.
And I am healing inside as well. We were talking about that yesterday. People are nicer to you when you're thinner. But I think that I am a nicer person as well. I am not as judgmental. Which I think was a defense mechanism for my judgment on myself...and others' judgment of me. I have walked in the shoes of the obese and entered the medical category of "overweight" now. (Believe me..this was a big milestone for me.) I think what happens is that when we are down on ourselves the guilt and shame that we feel for the lack of discipline in our lives, turns outward and turns into criticism toward others who seem to have it under control.
Today is 9/11. Everyday is a day of forgiveness in the life of a Christian. Today marks the 10th anniversary of a day that changed all our lives. I remember the months after that terrible day. We saw a more united America. There were flags flying, and the country banded together - an unstoppable force. As we "healed", those patriotic feelings dwindled, and now it feels as if the country is more divided than ever. In order to heal, we need to work from the inside out. We need to heal ourselves first -- abusing the system, neglecting our responsibilities, judging others. We heal from the inside out -- removing the log from our own eyes before seeing the speck in others. I have a lot of hope for this world and for our beautiful country. The lives that were lost on that tragic day will always be remembered. But in order to move on, we need to forgive. Forgive ourselves and others. Pray for our enemies. Pray not only for our country, but for the World which we are all a part of.
29 August 2011
Walking against the Current
Since the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer is only three weeks away, our weekends are consumed with getting in long distance walks. It's been in the triple digits here in Sunland/L.A. area, so this past Sunday we woke up at 6:00 to head out to Pasadena to walk the Rosebowl a few times.
When we started walking, it was still early, and there weren't too many people out. Still, it was Sunday, and despite the heat, and the chance to sleep in, there were people getting their morning exercise. The beautiful thing was that there were all shapes, sizes, colors and ages of people there. Walking, running, cycling, skating. Some walking dogs, some walking each other.
I'm a people watcher and I've noticed that there are some categories that most walkers fall into:1. The physically fit: these beautiful people are in the skimpiest of shorts, and exposed to the world. They run like gazelles. Tan bodies that don't giggle. (I've never been one of this group...but if I were, I'd flaunt it too!)
2. The ones that are trying to get into shape....(my category). These people come in all kinds of shapes from super large, to extremely thin....and we're all out there trying to get healthy. Ani and I, we just walk. But there are those that wear sweatshirts, even garbage bags, trying to sweat "it" out...whatever it is. There are chubby moms with chubby kids trying to get healthy together.
3. Young moms and dads with their strollers. I saw a lot of really fit moms...and some not so fit, but with those fancy strollers. Jogging with their babies.
4. The individualists: This group sticks out, but they want to stick out. We saw a woman with a Hendrix-size afro, snow boots, and leggings, plugged into her mp3, singing loudly to the world as she walked. Then "the Mountain Man" with his massive whiskers and hiking boots; the flourescent-clad foreigner group...anyways, you get the picture.
and then there's my favorite group of all....
5. The senior citizens. I love seeing them out walking. The women are so beautiful and so "no nonsense". They are out there to walk...to visit with their friends while walking. They have learned life's lessons and are up and moving. They are such an inspiration to me. The men are there too. Walking either with the women, or with their friends. Joking, getting their exercise. There's this really cool guy too....he reminds me of an old bulldog looking drill sargeant. He wears a flashing red light around his neck and a hat, and in the course of our walk, we pass him several times. I asked him Sunday how many times around he goes around. "FIVE times every day." That's 15 miles a day. What an inspiration!
Sadly, I compare this group of seniors to my own mom who doesn't walk because she believes she cannot. It's just easier not to. Her arthritis and severely swollen feet, make it difficult, BUT, she can, and should. But chooses the easier path. And sadly, the less she does, the less she will be able to do. My orthopedist told me the same thing, "Use it or lose it" was the admonishment when it came to my arthritic knees. So I walk....and I remember the lyrics of Neil Young's song...to paraphrase, "It's better to burn out, than to rust." I'd rather burn out trying, than to rust not trying my best. And hopefully, one day, when I'm a granny, I'll still be out walking the bowl.
Okay, so all this being said I came to another observation. The first lap around I saw a sign I had never seen before. It was a graphic of a walker, with an arrow pointing in the direction that walkers are supposed to walk. I had never seen it before. And not surprising was the fact that we were walking in the opposite direction. Grant it, we weren't the only ones walking our way...but I realized that if we were all walking in the same direction - following the directions -- we wouldn't see even half of the people that were out there on that beautiful morning. We'd only be confined to walking with those that walked at our same pace or that passed us by (or that we passed). Yet, walking against the current, you got to see almost everyone at some point or another as you passed them by. I think my life is so much richer for going against the current. Not just at the Rose Bowl, but in general.
When we started walking, it was still early, and there weren't too many people out. Still, it was Sunday, and despite the heat, and the chance to sleep in, there were people getting their morning exercise. The beautiful thing was that there were all shapes, sizes, colors and ages of people there. Walking, running, cycling, skating. Some walking dogs, some walking each other.
I'm a people watcher and I've noticed that there are some categories that most walkers fall into:1. The physically fit: these beautiful people are in the skimpiest of shorts, and exposed to the world. They run like gazelles. Tan bodies that don't giggle. (I've never been one of this group...but if I were, I'd flaunt it too!)
2. The ones that are trying to get into shape....(my category). These people come in all kinds of shapes from super large, to extremely thin....and we're all out there trying to get healthy. Ani and I, we just walk. But there are those that wear sweatshirts, even garbage bags, trying to sweat "it" out...whatever it is. There are chubby moms with chubby kids trying to get healthy together.
3. Young moms and dads with their strollers. I saw a lot of really fit moms...and some not so fit, but with those fancy strollers. Jogging with their babies.
4. The individualists: This group sticks out, but they want to stick out. We saw a woman with a Hendrix-size afro, snow boots, and leggings, plugged into her mp3, singing loudly to the world as she walked. Then "the Mountain Man" with his massive whiskers and hiking boots; the flourescent-clad foreigner group...anyways, you get the picture.
and then there's my favorite group of all....
5. The senior citizens. I love seeing them out walking. The women are so beautiful and so "no nonsense". They are out there to walk...to visit with their friends while walking. They have learned life's lessons and are up and moving. They are such an inspiration to me. The men are there too. Walking either with the women, or with their friends. Joking, getting their exercise. There's this really cool guy too....he reminds me of an old bulldog looking drill sargeant. He wears a flashing red light around his neck and a hat, and in the course of our walk, we pass him several times. I asked him Sunday how many times around he goes around. "FIVE times every day." That's 15 miles a day. What an inspiration!
Sadly, I compare this group of seniors to my own mom who doesn't walk because she believes she cannot. It's just easier not to. Her arthritis and severely swollen feet, make it difficult, BUT, she can, and should. But chooses the easier path. And sadly, the less she does, the less she will be able to do. My orthopedist told me the same thing, "Use it or lose it" was the admonishment when it came to my arthritic knees. So I walk....and I remember the lyrics of Neil Young's song...to paraphrase, "It's better to burn out, than to rust." I'd rather burn out trying, than to rust not trying my best. And hopefully, one day, when I'm a granny, I'll still be out walking the bowl.
Okay, so all this being said I came to another observation. The first lap around I saw a sign I had never seen before. It was a graphic of a walker, with an arrow pointing in the direction that walkers are supposed to walk. I had never seen it before. And not surprising was the fact that we were walking in the opposite direction. Grant it, we weren't the only ones walking our way...but I realized that if we were all walking in the same direction - following the directions -- we wouldn't see even half of the people that were out there on that beautiful morning. We'd only be confined to walking with those that walked at our same pace or that passed us by (or that we passed). Yet, walking against the current, you got to see almost everyone at some point or another as you passed them by. I think my life is so much richer for going against the current. Not just at the Rose Bowl, but in general.
25 August 2011
A Day for Doctor's Appointments - progress update
Yesterday was my Doctor's appointment day. I took the day off work to schedule all my appointments in one day and get them over with. There were some glitches with insurance authorization, and wrong coding, but I made it through. It was exhausting. Here's the update on my health both with my breast cancer and general health and weight loss.
Appointment 1: Genetic Testing for the BRCA gene. My insurance approved me for genetic testing after my second time with Breast Cancer and given that I had also had colon cancer. The test is very important because it determines if you are a carrier of the breast cancer gene or if your cancer was just some random fluke. The test is nothing more than a blood test, but they test down to your DNA so the lab work up is quite extensive. I will post the results as soon as I'm made aware, but I don't know who will contact me with them. My primary doctor or my oncologist.
Appointment 2: Consultation with the surgeon for post op check and to discuss part 2 of the breast reconstruction. Everything went well. Doctor B was really happy with my progress. I have been feeling "thicker" around the waist/rib area. He said this was a natural byproduct of the tram flap procedure but said as far as results go, I was doing really well. We discussed the reconstruction. I have an area of scar tissue (near the right outer side of the reconstructed breast), and I have an area of necrosis (less circulation of blood flow so causes a hardened area) on the right inner portion. During the time of the reconstruction, he will cut around the old incision site (areola) and reshape the necrotic area. The scar tissue will remain. And then he will create a nipple. This is all going to happen some time in October, which is good for me. I'll be done with the Avon Walk, and it's before the holidays. It's an outpatient procedure and will require 2-3 days out of work. I asked about drains. Will I have to have drains? (Hate those!), but he said it was doubtful, but not an impossibility. So I'm keeping my fingers cross. He will dictate the report and we'll wait for insurance approval.
Appointment 3: My regular doctor. Check up. I wanted to talk to her about my weight. I have been working very hard for almost 2 years now on weight loss. I had lost 92 pounds...and then once I had my tram flap surgery, I couldn't exercise, bend, etc. Basically all I did was sit around recuperating....and, well, eating. And the pounds started creeping back. So I'm 18 pounds heavier than I was. Despite all the walking in training that I'm doing, eating right, etc...the pounds are just at a standstill. So I wanted her input. I love Dr. M. She said I may have been thinner back in February, but I was also at that weight because I had been sick with gallbladder issues etc...and to not be so hard to myself. She was very happy with my progress and the fact that I had been maintaining (I wish I were as happy). We decided that I would need to be more disciplined, and write down everything I ate. She asked, "Could it be that you're taking more than you think?" Anything is possible. :::shrug::: I'm walking a lot...so the exercise is not a factor. But she suggested that I ask Dr. B if it's okay to go back to my yoga class or to the gym. Anyways, the plan is to write it all down and try to cut back 200 calories daily...and then reassess in 4 weeks' time. I also have general fatigue from everything. I get tired more readily just doing what I used to do normally. She said this was due to having 3 major surgeries in 6 months. Okay. I get it.
After three appointments (and no coffee in the morning), I was exhausted. Special thanks to my daughter Ani for coming with me. She always makes the worst situations better.
Appointment 1: Genetic Testing for the BRCA gene. My insurance approved me for genetic testing after my second time with Breast Cancer and given that I had also had colon cancer. The test is very important because it determines if you are a carrier of the breast cancer gene or if your cancer was just some random fluke. The test is nothing more than a blood test, but they test down to your DNA so the lab work up is quite extensive. I will post the results as soon as I'm made aware, but I don't know who will contact me with them. My primary doctor or my oncologist.
Appointment 2: Consultation with the surgeon for post op check and to discuss part 2 of the breast reconstruction. Everything went well. Doctor B was really happy with my progress. I have been feeling "thicker" around the waist/rib area. He said this was a natural byproduct of the tram flap procedure but said as far as results go, I was doing really well. We discussed the reconstruction. I have an area of scar tissue (near the right outer side of the reconstructed breast), and I have an area of necrosis (less circulation of blood flow so causes a hardened area) on the right inner portion. During the time of the reconstruction, he will cut around the old incision site (areola) and reshape the necrotic area. The scar tissue will remain. And then he will create a nipple. This is all going to happen some time in October, which is good for me. I'll be done with the Avon Walk, and it's before the holidays. It's an outpatient procedure and will require 2-3 days out of work. I asked about drains. Will I have to have drains? (Hate those!), but he said it was doubtful, but not an impossibility. So I'm keeping my fingers cross. He will dictate the report and we'll wait for insurance approval.
Appointment 3: My regular doctor. Check up. I wanted to talk to her about my weight. I have been working very hard for almost 2 years now on weight loss. I had lost 92 pounds...and then once I had my tram flap surgery, I couldn't exercise, bend, etc. Basically all I did was sit around recuperating....and, well, eating. And the pounds started creeping back. So I'm 18 pounds heavier than I was. Despite all the walking in training that I'm doing, eating right, etc...the pounds are just at a standstill. So I wanted her input. I love Dr. M. She said I may have been thinner back in February, but I was also at that weight because I had been sick with gallbladder issues etc...and to not be so hard to myself. She was very happy with my progress and the fact that I had been maintaining (I wish I were as happy). We decided that I would need to be more disciplined, and write down everything I ate. She asked, "Could it be that you're taking more than you think?" Anything is possible. :::shrug::: I'm walking a lot...so the exercise is not a factor. But she suggested that I ask Dr. B if it's okay to go back to my yoga class or to the gym. Anyways, the plan is to write it all down and try to cut back 200 calories daily...and then reassess in 4 weeks' time. I also have general fatigue from everything. I get tired more readily just doing what I used to do normally. She said this was due to having 3 major surgeries in 6 months. Okay. I get it.
After three appointments (and no coffee in the morning), I was exhausted. Special thanks to my daughter Ani for coming with me. She always makes the worst situations better.
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