Fall Seven Times -- (One Week Post Op)

I went back to work this week -- Wait!  It was only yesterday.  Geez...okay, so you can tell how exhausting it's been....felt like Thursday.  Thankfully, I don't have a physically demanding job -- I work at a computer all day -- but still, sitting in one place and dealing with work demands has been draining.


The drain site is still sore even though the drain is out.  It's going to take time to heal.  I am still heavily bandaged...and I always forget to allow extra time to my morning/evening routine.  Changing dressings takes me an extra 10 minutes.  I was told that there can be absolutely NO PRESSURE applied to the wound site, so I have layer upon layer of gauze stacked up to help me achieve this.  
Tomorrow is my post op appointment with the surgeon.  I'm curious if he'll remove the stitches.  The Steri-Strips are still in place (they haven't fallen off yet like they said they would).  We'll see.


Another big change has been that Ani has started working the night shift at Children's Hospital.  This is going to be a "regular" thing for the next year.  I'm so used to having her around.  And now, when she's working, I don't get to see her but for an hour, when I come home and she's getting ready to leave.  We are getting creative in our texting.  I've been staying up late working on jewelry, and we'll send a text here and there at odd hours just to "check in".  But the house is quiet now, and it's a big change for me.  That, coupled with the darkness after the time change, and it's a bit gloomy.  : (


That being said though, all in all, I am feeling optimistic.  I have been thinking a lot about this past year now that we're just a couple months from the end of it.  It's been a tough ride, and 
I'm ready for the New Year to start.  But I am also grateful.  Yes, it's been a tough year...but I am alive!  I made it through, and I'm still fighting!  : )  

"Fall 7 times - stand up 8." Japanese Proverb That's it right there.  Just keep on standing up!  Keep fighting for what you believe in.  Life is precious!

In Praise and Appreciation of My Mom

It's day one of post-op.  I got the call yesterday from my mom.  "I'm coming over to help."  I am blessed to have such a sweet mom.  At 78, she has health issues of her own: arthritis in her knees, back and shoulder.  Still, when her babies are hurting, she wants to be there for them.  I had to admonish her this time, "Mom, I love that you're coming, but please, don't bring food!"  Even though she agreed, I know that she's bringing something that she deems "healthy" for me.  So maybe some fruit, or some Trader Joe's tomato/red pepper soup, some produce that she picked up at the Armenian market.  She won't come empty handed.  That's how she is.

My mom has always been there for me.  She has been my mom, my friend, my prayer support.  To this day, when we go to visit her, or drop her off, she stands at the door waiting for us to pull out of the driveway.  I tell her to relax, we can show ourselves out, but she stands there so she can pray after us for a safe 3 mile journey home.  I have to say there is comfort in this....as a mom myself now, I do the same when Ani leave for work every morning (really early...even on weekends!).   I make her wake me to say goodbye.  I stand at the door and say a prayer for her, for my son, for my family...that God keep them safe and wrap them all in the wings of His angels.

This year, with all my surgeries, we have had a lot of mother/daughter time as I have spent over 10 weeks off work recuperating from the cancers.  This week I'm off 4 days.  Our time together is good.  I am more of a "peace and quiet" person...I like to read or listen to music.  Mom is more of a TV person.  She likes to fill me in on all the shows that I miss while I'm at work.  This runs the gamut from The Doctors, to Judge Judy, Dr. Oz, Oprah (back when she was in her final series) and of course, Dr. Phil.   For the time that I'm home recuperating, when mom is over, we have the TV on.  It's always great to shut it off at the end of our time together...but don't get me wrong, when we are together, it's a change of pace for me as well and I love the time that we share talking through the show, predicting outcomes.  I'm always the cynic when it comes to Dr. Phil and his advice, or Dr. Oz and his generalizations about how this/or that is good for the general populace.  But she doesn't listen to me.   She takes notes during Dr. Oz, and goes and researches the various vitamins.  At 78, I have to say, she has taken a few falls and thank God, she hasn't broken anything (knock on wood!), so I'm guessing all the vitamins are working for her!

Then there are the books and magazines.  My mom is an avid reader.  She is usually reading a couple books at a time.  These are either financial self help books, or biographies about anyone and everyone (Dr. Phil's wife, Winona Judd, and who knows who else.)  When she finishes these books, she always brings them to me to read.  I never accept them because I don't have time to read the books that I'm reading.  But she tries.  : )  She also brings over magazines with notes written on the cover as to what page the articles I should read are on.  These articles range from news on refinancing our home (which we've been trying unsuccessfully to do), finances, health articles, breaking news about how chocolate is good for you, and how a handful of blueberries can help stave off cancer.)

So I'm sitting here, knowing that mom is coming over soon.  And I'm so grateful and feel so blessed for the relationship that I share with her.  Our time together is precious to me and I am blessed to have such a wonderful, warm and caring mom in my life.   When she comes over, I'm going to share this with her...and I know that she'll get her "bunny nose" -- as we call it -- when she gets all choked up and her nose crinkles.  She's the best.  I love you, mom!

Surgery Part Two: Reconstruction

It's a little past midnight.  The wind is howling in Sunland this early morning rattling my doors.  I've been napping on pain meds since I got home from outpatient surgery this evening and now I'm awake til the next dose kicks in.  My day started at yesterday midnight when the doctor's orders were "nothing to eat or drink after midnight."  Eating is not a problem; but no water or the morning coffee is a bit tougher.  Still, I did okay, and made it to the Surgi-Center at New Age Aesthetic's - my surgeon's practice in Encino.

I met with the anesthesiologist who attempted to start my IV line.  Attempted.  I have only one good arm for this type of thing, and that one they can't use because of all the surgeries, lymph node dissection, and because the veins have been scarred beyond use from all the surgeries.  Not wise to use it anyways, unless it's an absolute necessity.  So SEVEN tries on the left arm.  I have never had such an experience.  I usually get the comments that my veins are very small...and they attempt my crook of the arm...and usually advance to the back of my hand.  But this doctor tried 7 times.  Two in the crook of the arm, three in the back of the hand, 2 in my underside of my forearm...and then gave me the option:  Either we try in the neck (EWWWW!) or we try the right arm.  All this time I'm praying for him to find a vein.  I asked him to please call the surgeon in the other room, and ask him what he suggested.  We opted for the back of the hand on my right, and thank God he finally found it.  Needless to say my left arm is nicely bruised.

Then I had to be photographed...the "before" pictures.  Humiliating.  But because it's reconstruction from a medical point of view, it's required by the insurance.  Okay.  Then meet with the surgeon for markings.  It's totally like the beginning of the TV series, Nip/Tuck when you see the doctor marking up the patient with dashed lines on the skin.  He explained to me what he was going to do.  I had a lot of hard scar tissue under my arm area where the incision was made 18 years ago for the lymph node dissection, and then more scarring on top of that from the mastectomy.  He wanted to remove that a bit.  Then some contouring to remove the necrosis (more hard areas), and then creating a nipple.

Then into the operating room where I was put in the usual "crucifixion position".  Arms out to my sides and restrained.  As always, in my head at this point...and at points throughout this whole cancer, I start reciting the 23rd Psalm in my head.  This beautiful Psalm helped me get through my daily radiation treatments and brings me a lot of comfort when I need it most.  I love the verse, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."  It's beautiful.

Anyways, I woke up in recovery.  My hands are still swollen from the IV fluids.  And I DID have to have a drain, despite my positive thoughts not to get one.  Hopefully it will come out on Tuesday.  I have a lot more pain than I thought I would have.  Especially in the exit point of the drain.  Every time I get up from sitting, or lying down, it's a sharp pain.  I have to empty the drain 4 x a day and log the drainage.

I am hopeful that this will be the last surgery for the year.  For now, I'm just going to think positive, work on healing, and taking care of myself: mind, soul and body.

If you are dealing with breast cancer, reconstruction, etc, and need to ask questions, talk about it, etc.  I'm here to help:  write me at ahnoosh@ca.rr.com

On Being Honest

My blog is evolving as am I.  When I started out, the idea of Inside the Pomegranate was to promote my jewelry business, Pomegranate & Eye.  So I wrote about jewelry, and occasionally about our homeless outreach to the streets of Skid Row.  And then cancer happened, so I started writing about my feelings and dealings with colon cancer, and then breast cancer, mastectomy, reconstruction.  And then there was  the garden, and the illustrations.

Tonight is the eve of my 2nd reconstruction surgery.  Tomorrow, my surgeon will finish what he started back in May.  Surgery is on a good number line up day:  11/1/11 at 1:00 p.m.  : )   It's outpatient.  And then I'll be off work for the rest of the week.  I am not afraid....I'm beyond that now.  After undergoing so many surgeries this year, I'm okay with this one.  But there is one thing that I'm dreading, and that's the "drain" that he said I "may" have to have after surgery.  I'm going to try to think positive ....but that is really a big drag.

So back to the blog.  I was thinking about all that I've written about, and all that has yet to be written.  The cancer is almost over...and so are the illustrations.  The garden is lying dormant til the Spring.  But there is an issue that I've had to deal with my entire life and that is.....:::::drumroll:::: my weight.  And just like I thought it would be good for me to "go public" with my cancer, I think there's a need for going public with the issues that keep the weight on.  So here we are.

Over the course of the past two years, I have lost a lot of weight.  Slowly, but it has come off.  I've worked really hard at it...and now I'm at a point where I'm about 15 pounds from my goal, and I just can't seem to get that motivation.  So I joined Weight Watchers online thinking that  I would follow the program and be held "accountable" for my actions/food choices.  So I started the plan and found that during the day, I was doing great.  Logging everything that I ate, drank, etc.  But the evenings were a different story all together.  That's when the snack monster wakes up.  But here's the deal.

It would be okay with me if I snacked and accounted for it.  But what happened over the course of this first week is that I found myself "cheating" on my accountability.  There would be nothing wrong with eating something if I wanted to eat it.  But what's got me is that I gave in on a number of times, and didn't want to log it...or didn't want to be "honest" with how many points or what I ate.  So what's that about?  Why this need to be perfect to myself?  I mean, no one else sees my food journal.  No one in my household cares whether I have a cookie or not.  Isn't the whole idea of writing down our intake so that WE have a look at what we're doing?

Anyways, you get the idea.  It is really bothering me and so I thought I would work on it here, on the blog, and be honest with it.  Do any of you struggle with this?  If so, I'd love to hear from you.  I am going to focus this week, on being honest with myself.  It's going to be a tough one as I'll be home recuperating from surgery this week, so the temptation will be there.  But so will you.

Be Mindful of What You Pray For

If you're on Facebook, you know that for the past several weeks, I've been diligently working on completing a series of illustrations for a children's book -- a commission from the Eastern Diocese of the Armenian Church in New York. 



I am welcomed by my church family



I've always wanted to be an illustrator for children's books.  My degree is in illustration.  Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to be an illustrator, my ability to "self-promote" and market myself  was terrible.  And so the years went by and I, like all to many, have ended up doing all sorts of jobs to pay the bills.  My current job has me working in the field of excess and surplus lines insurance.  Prior to that, I was a teacher; a medical transcriber, a court reporter's transcriber, an interpreter, a bookkeeper, a retail store manager.....and then always on the side I've done my art, jewelry and crafts.

This is the frustrating thing.  Art is my passion.  Helping people is my passion.  But there are bills to be paid as well as a mortgage.  As grateful as I am for my job, I always feel like I don't belong.  My work environment is very nice, and I work for and with very nice people.  But it's not me.  So one day last year, during a particularly stressful lunch hour, I stopped for a moment, closed my eyes and said a prayer that went something like this:



I light a candle



"God, I'm thankful for the ability to work...and for my job.  But I'm feeling so down.  You know that I love to be creative.  Please help me to find a way...a creative outlet ...where I can do my art and bring Glory to You through it."

That was pretty much it.  I went back work, and few weeks went by.  And then one day I received an email.  It was from the head of the Department of Religous Education at the Eastern Diocese.  They were wondering if I was the same person they had met 15 or so years earlier who did illustrations.  I flashed back years prior when I had gone to a Sunday School conference.  At the time I was teaching Sunday School, and our guest speakers were going to be two women from the Eastern Diocese who were going to talk about the new curriculum that our diocese was also using.  I remember taking my portfolio with me back then in the hopes that they might have work for me.  I met with Elise and Nancy, and showed them my illustrations.  They loved them, but "Unfortunately, we just redid all our books."  But they kept my samples.



I kneel



Flash forward and there I was reading the email.  Elise said she had tried to find me, but didn't know how.  (I had remarried with a name change, changed my address, phone, etc.)  But just by chance, there was a Californian who was working in her office, and she recognized my past-married name on the sample and said, "I think I'm friends with her son on Facebook."  She emailed my son and got my email address...and the rest is history.  The illustration job is for a toddler's book -- one that will be kept in the pews of the various churches for children to read during church.  They show panels of a child's view of Armenian Orthodox church. 

Could my prayer have been answered in any better way?



I pray



I started the illustrations last year.  And then, over the course of the year with all my health issues (gallbloadder surgery, colon cancer, breast cancer..etc.) I had to take a break.  Just a month ago, we revisited the project and decided that the "end of October" would be a good deadline for Christmas publication.  And so the clock is ticking.  It's actually good timing as I'll be having the second part of my reconstruction surgery on November 1. 

I often think of this course of events....my prayer, the way I was found, the fact that my illustration samples were even kept all those years.  I don't believe in coincidence.  I believe in prayer.  I believe in sincere requests.  And I believe that all things will happen not in our time but in God's.

Here is a look at my illustrations so far.  There are 12 year...I have 3 to go:



I sing









I smell the incense

I recieve the Kiss of Peace

I receive a blessing

I give my gift

I receive Holy Communion

I kiss the Gospel

I make the sign of the cross



A Health Update

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to loop you all in since I've been public about my breast cancer so far.  The second part of my reconstruction is scheduled for 11/1/11 (great number line up, no?)...would be pretty cool if surgery was at 11:11, but not so...but maybe 1:00 p.m?

So the appointments are going to start up again, for blood work up, EKG, history and physical, surgical consult.  Ooooofffffff!!! Too many appointments.

This surgery will be outpatient at the office of my plastic surgeon, Dr. Saul Berger.  I'll go in on a Tuesday, and be off the rest of the week.  I am hopeful that this will be my last surgery for the year!

One of my favorite passages from the bible, Psalm 23, says, "Yea, though I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me....."

It doesn't say, "though I walk around it...." or "though I skip it altogether..."  but we walk through it.  Together. 

From one apex to the other is always a valley. 
Sometimes you have to go through things and not around them. 
Something to think about.

When Has it Ever Not Been Crazy?

With the Avon Walk behind me, I thought, "Now I can settle down and finish up the illustrations!"  I have this illustration job that started late last year, and then with the gallbladder surgery, colon cancer, breast cancer issues of the past 8 months, everything with that has been put on hold.  Until this week.  After talking to Elise, the head of the Department of Religious Education for the Eastern Diocese of the Armenian Church, we decided that if the book (a childrens book about what goes on in Armenian Orthodox church from a child's perspective) is going to be ready in time for Christmas, then I need to have the illustrations done by the end of October.  EEeeeeppps!!!  That's only a month and some change away! 

So here it is, Saturday morning.  I got the house in some semblance of order ...sort of.  And now I'm getting ready to figure out what I'm doing.  The illustrations, organizing team In Her Shoes, Pomegranate & Eye (the jewelry business), day job, family, and the upcoming second part of my reconstruction surgery - which will take place on 11/1/11 (nice number line up, for sure!)

For the past month, it seems that I have just had such a lack of energy.  I mean, yes, we trained for the avon walk, miles and miles of training, and then the intensity of the weekend.  But I mean, other than that.  I've always been one to be "busy".  My life is filled with projects, and burning the candle at both ends and in the middle too.  Lately, though, it's been catching up to me, more so.  I've had to come home from work and just "veg" out...laying down on my bed in the afternoon...sometimes even falling asleep.  I've never ever been a napper. 

But it's okay.  I am thankful that I'm able to do what I can do.  I realize that my life has always been crazy.  And that's not a bad thing.  Like the comment I received a couple months ago, it just means I have a very FULL life.  And this is good.  Life is good.

Soooo.....I am hopeful that I'll be able to get this illustration job done (prayers are appreciated).  If I can get it done by the end of October...I won't have it looming over me when I have my surgery.  There is a peace that I feel when I do get to sit and draw...and I get lost in time.  It's just the effort of getting myself to sit and do it.  Once I do, it's bliss.  So today, in fact, right now, I'm going to sit down at my drawing table and work!

Small Test, Big Results!!!

Just got the good news!  I am NOT a carrier of the Breast Cancer gene!  After a week of trying to get a hold of my doctor, she called today with the blood test results.  "Your blood workup came back negative...and completely normal!"  What a relief.

Since my bout with colon cancer, and then round two of breast cancer, my medical team has been advising that I get tested.  My insurance approved it and off I went for what appeared to be a simple blood test. But this small test is HUGE...because it goes all the way down to the DNA level to see if you are a carrier of this mutation..not just in your recent family history, but way, way back.  The American Cancer Institute says it this way:


A woman’s lifetime risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer is greatly increased if she inherits a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. Such a woman has an increased risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer at an early age (before menopause) and often has multiple, close family members who have been diagnosed with these diseases. Harmful BRCA1 mutations may also increase a woman’s risk of developing cervical, uterine, pancreatic, and colon cancer (1, 2). Harmful BRCA2 mutations may additionally increase the risk of pancreatic cancer, stomach cancer, gallbladder and bile duct cancer, and melanoma (3).


The likelihood that a breast and/or ovarian cancer is associated with a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 is highest in families with a history of multiple cases of breast cancer, cases of both breast and ovarian cancer, one or more family members with two primary cancers (original tumors that develop at different sites in the body), or an Ashkenazi (Central and Eastern European) Jewish background (see Question 6). However, not every woman in such families carries a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation, and not every cancer in such families is linked to a harmful mutation in one of these genes. Furthermore, not every woman who has a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation will develop breast and/or ovarian cancer.


According to estimates of lifetime risk, about 12.0 percent of women (120 out of 1,000) in the general population will develop breast cancer sometime during their lives compared with about 60 percent of women (600 out of 1,000) who have inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 (4, 5). In other words, a woman who has inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 is about five times more likely to develop breast cancer than a woman who does not have such a mutation.

As you can see, the ramifications of a positive test are many in nature.  My main concern, of course, was the possibility of being a carrier and what this would mean for my daughter, my sister, my nieces.  This is why it was/and IS so important to get tested if your doctor feels there's just cause.  My father would say, "Knowledge is power."  And I've always been one to want to know what's going on...especially within my body.  Given my medical history of breast cancer at age 34, ovarian cyst (removed as precaution since I had cancer at a young age), gallbladder surgery, colon cancer and then breast cancer again, they doctors felt there was just cause.

But this story has a happy ending!  I'm not a carrier.  And I'm breathing a sigh of relief....for my daughter, for my future grandchildren : ), for my family.  Life is good!

Walking against the Current

Since the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer is only three weeks away, our weekends are consumed with getting in long distance walks.  It's been in the triple digits here in Sunland/L.A. area, so this past Sunday we woke up at 6:00 to head out to Pasadena to walk the Rosebowl a few times. 

When we started walking, it was still early, and there weren't too many people out.  Still, it was Sunday, and despite the heat, and the chance to sleep in, there were people getting their morning exercise.  The beautiful thing was that there were all shapes, sizes, colors and ages of people there.  Walking, running, cycling, skating.  Some walking dogs, some walking each other. 
I'm a people watcher and I've noticed that there are some categories that most walkers fall into:1.  The physically fit:  these beautiful people are in the skimpiest of shorts, and exposed to the world.  They run like gazelles.  Tan bodies that don't giggle.  (I've never been one of this group...but if I were, I'd flaunt it too!)
2.  The ones that are trying to get into shape....(my category).  These people come in all kinds of shapes from super large, to extremely thin....and we're all out there trying to get healthy.  Ani and I, we just walk.  But there are those that wear sweatshirts, even garbage bags, trying to sweat "it" out...whatever it is.  There are chubby moms with chubby kids trying to get healthy together. 
3.  Young moms and dads with their strollers.  I saw a lot of really fit moms...and some not so fit, but with those fancy strollers.  Jogging with their babies. 
4.  The individualists:  This group sticks out, but they want to stick out.  We saw a woman with a Hendrix-size afro, snow boots, and leggings, plugged into her mp3, singing loudly to the world as she walked.  Then "the Mountain Man" with his massive whiskers and hiking boots; the flourescent-clad foreigner group...anyways, you get the picture.
and then there's my favorite group of all....
5.  The senior citizens.  I love seeing them out walking.  The women are so beautiful and so "no nonsense".  They are out there to walk...to visit with their friends while walking.  They have learned life's lessons and are up and moving.  They are such an inspiration to me.  The men are there too.  Walking either with the women, or with their friends.  Joking, getting their exercise.  There's this really cool guy too....he reminds me of an old bulldog looking drill sargeant.  He wears a flashing red light around his neck and a hat, and in the course of our walk, we pass him several times.  I asked him Sunday how many times around he goes around.  "FIVE times every day."  That's 15 miles a day.  What an inspiration!
Sadly, I compare this group of seniors to my own mom who doesn't walk because she believes she cannot.   It's just easier not to.  Her arthritis and severely swollen feet, make it difficult, BUT, she can, and should.  But chooses the easier path.  And sadly, the less she does, the less she will be able to do.  My orthopedist told me the same thing, "Use it or lose it" was the admonishment when it came to my arthritic knees.  So I walk....and  I remember the lyrics of Neil Young's song...to paraphrase, "It's better to burn out, than to rust."  I'd rather burn out trying, than to rust not trying my best.  And hopefully, one day, when I'm a granny, I'll still be out walking the bowl.

Okay, so all this being said I came to another observation.  The first lap around I saw a sign I had never seen before.  It was a graphic of a walker, with an arrow pointing in the direction that walkers are supposed to walk.  I had never seen it before.  And not surprising was the fact that we were walking in the opposite direction.  Grant it, we weren't the only ones walking our way...but I realized that if we were all walking in the same direction - following the directions -- we wouldn't see even half of the people that were out there on that beautiful morning.  We'd only be confined to walking with those that walked at our same pace or that passed us by (or that we passed).  Yet, walking against the current, you got to see almost everyone at some point or another as you passed them by.  I think my life is so much richer for going against the current.  Not just at the Rose Bowl, but in general.

A Day for Doctor's Appointments - progress update

Yesterday was my Doctor's appointment day.  I took the day off work to schedule all my appointments in one day and get them over with.  There were some glitches with insurance authorization, and wrong coding, but I made it through.  It was exhausting.  Here's the update on my health both with my breast cancer and general health and weight loss. 

Appointment 1:  Genetic Testing for the BRCA gene.  My insurance approved me for genetic testing after my second time with Breast Cancer and given that I had also had colon cancer.  The test is very important because it determines if you are a carrier of the breast cancer gene or if your cancer was just some random fluke.  The test is nothing more than a blood test, but they test down to your DNA so the lab work up is quite extensive.  I will post the results as soon as I'm made aware, but I don't know who will contact me with them.  My primary doctor or my oncologist. 

Appointment 2:  Consultation with the surgeon for post op check and to discuss part 2 of the breast reconstruction.  Everything went well.  Doctor B was really happy with my progress.  I have been feeling "thicker" around the waist/rib area.  He said this was a natural byproduct of the tram flap procedure but said as far as results go, I was doing really well.  We discussed the reconstruction.  I have an area of scar tissue (near the right outer side of the reconstructed breast), and I have an area of necrosis (less circulation of blood flow so causes a hardened area) on the right inner portion.  During the time of the reconstruction, he will cut around the old incision site (areola) and reshape the necrotic area.  The scar tissue will remain.  And then he will create a nipple.  This is all going to happen some time in October, which is good for me.  I'll be done with the Avon Walk, and it's before the holidays.  It's an outpatient procedure and will require 2-3 days out of work.  I asked about drains.  Will I have to have drains?  (Hate those!), but he said it was doubtful, but not an impossibility.  So I'm keeping my fingers cross.  He will dictate the report and we'll wait for insurance approval.

Appointment 3:  My regular doctor.  Check up. I wanted to talk to her about my weight.  I have been working very hard for almost 2 years now on weight loss.  I had lost 92 pounds...and then once I had my tram flap surgery, I couldn't exercise, bend, etc.   Basically all I did was sit around recuperating....and, well, eating.  And the pounds started creeping back.  So I'm 18 pounds heavier than I was.  Despite all the walking in training that I'm doing, eating right, etc...the pounds are just at a standstill.  So I wanted her input.   I love Dr. M.  She said I may have been thinner back in February, but I was also at that weight because I had been sick with gallbladder issues etc...and to not be so hard to myself.  She was very happy with my progress and the fact that I had been maintaining (I wish I were as happy).  We decided that I would need to be more disciplined, and write down everything I ate.  She asked, "Could it be that you're taking more than you think?"  Anything is possible.  :::shrug:::   I'm walking a lot...so the exercise is not a factor.  But she suggested that I ask Dr. B if it's okay to go back to my yoga class or to the gym.  Anyways, the plan is to write it all down and try to cut back 200 calories daily...and then reassess in 4 weeks' time.  I also have general fatigue from everything.  I get tired more readily just doing what I used to do normally. She said this was due to having 3 major surgeries in 6 months.  Okay.  I get it.

After three appointments (and no coffee in the morning), I was exhausted.  Special thanks to my daughter Ani for coming with me.  She always makes the worst situations better.

Memories of Grandma - or - Who's in the Mirror?

My grandmother lived in a duplex on the corner of our block.  She was a survivor of the Armenian genocide, a strong woman of faith, a proud American citizen, and an avid reader.  Se loved to knit, crochet and do needlework.  She also loved to garden.   I think because of the horrors she witnessed during the genocide, the beauty of her garden, the colors, the "life" it held were important and therapeutic to her.   She had a small vegetable garden in the courtyard of her duplex where she grew swiss chard, tomatoes and parsley.  While she tended to the garden, I would play waitress with her, pretending to take her order on an ivy leaf that was my pretend pad.   

She lived on the top floor of the duplex.  When you walked into her home, you would stare right at the stairs that led up to her living space.  Her house smelled like a mixture of palmolive soap and onions, and it was always cool in temperature in the grandma's house sort of way.   As a little girl, one thing that I remember are the large gardening shears that were always on the second stair of the staircase.  I remember how huge and sharp they looked, like old rusty giant's scissors.  My grandma would use these scissors to edge the grass of her front yard.  Not the garden itself, but the grass that grows in the sidewalk sections. 

She took a lot of pride in her garden.  Her knees were bad, and she'd sit on the sidewalk, one knee extended, one knee bent, and she would snip the grass where it hit the edge of the walkway, scooting herself down the plot as she worked.  Her flower garden was beautiful.  She grew fuschia flowers, the pods of which my brother and I would love to "pop" as they hung down in clusters.  She loved showy dahlias and roses, and most especially she loved to grow oriental poppies.  She would harvest the seed pods of the poppies and collect the seeds to put on her boregs and fresh baked bread.  Once she shared with me that when she and her friends were children in Armenia, she would work in the poppy fields, harvesting the pods for opium.  The beautiful red, ruffled blooms brought back happy memories of her childhood.

I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately.   When my life feels like it starts to get overwhelming, I think of her and her quiet strength, her faith, and her inner peace.  She had a soft face, a broad nose, her hair was long and always coiled into a bun that was pinned up at the nap of her neck.  Her stockings were knotted at the knees.  Plain.  No make up.  Basic.  Despite my health issues, compared to her life and what she had to endure as a survivor, raising a child as a single widowed mother, my life is a piece of cake. 

Lately, when I look in the mirror, I've been seeing my grandmother.  When I was young, I looked like my father; as I grow older, I look like my mother; but there are certain times, when my hair is pulled back, when I have no make up on, when I'm just plain ol' me when I look like my grandmother.  And last month, when my brother and sister came to visit me in the hospital after the mastectomy, I heard them whisper it to each other, "She looks like grandma!"  My ears heard it...and I was glad, because I thought I had been imagining it.

And the similarities don't end with looks.  I too like to knit and crochet, I love to read, and  I find a great peace in spending time in my garden.  Although I haven't had luck growing poppies, I do love to grow my vegetables and flowers.  Like her, I have bad knees and can't squat, so I do sit...and bend just like she used to. 

Yesterday, my sister Susan came over to help me weed the garden since I'm not able to pull and use my arm too well yet.  Two sisters-in-law, but truly more like sisters, we worked together - Susan turning over and loosening the dirt so that I'd easily be able to pick out the grass/weeds.  We cleaned up the garden together, talking, sharing while we worked.  And then just like my grandma, I picked up my gardening shears and trimmed the edge of the grass against the concrete.  We finished, and came into my cool house -- was it me? or did it smell like palmolive soap and onions?  I went into the bathroom to wash up, and there she was in the mirror.  I look like my grandma.  It's a nice reminder of someone that I miss and hold so dear.

The Importance of Community in the Process of Healing

Yesterday was my first Sunday back at church.  Since my mastectomy four weeks ago, I've not been physically able to attend.  I am blessed to have a very wonderful church family.  We truly are like a family; and when I got diagnosed and went public with my cancer, they were there, praying for me.

I was excited and a bit scared about returning.  The scariness lay in the fact that we all missed one another, and that would warrant hugs, and hugs might be a bit painful yet.  So I had it in my head that I was going to approach with the left shoulder leading, hug with the left.  : )  It's always good to be prepared with a strategy.

It was great to be back.  I had a two-fold reason for wanting to go back this Sunday.  1.  I wanted to give thanks to God for the blessings of health; my surgery going well; the road to recovery being "so far so good."  2.  It was my nephew/Godson's last Sunday at church before his move to AZ to pursue his Masters in architecture.  So...I got ready. 

Getting ready I realized, once again, that I am down on myself.  My midsection is still swollen and I feel puffy.  I haven't been able to bend much, and the walking has been good one day, pay back the next.  My weight has been up since the surgery, and though my daughter and sister tell me that it's early yet, that it's only been a short time since the surgery, I want it all to be "normal" again.  I'm impatient with myself.  So there I am, beating myself up....and we go to church.

We pull up, and Sonig is outside.  She saw me get out of the car and came running up with open arms to softly hug me.  I walk into church, and my "me" disappears, and it's just so great to be back.  It's like a family reunion.  As I'm walking to my seat, I see smiles from friends.  It was great to be back in choir.  It was great to smell the familiar sweet incense; to see my family serving on the altar, and to worship with my church community.  When we gave the kiss of peace, it was so neat to hug my sister Susan, my friends Anoush and Lusine and great them with the message that Christ is revealed among us! 

After church, we had a small send off for my nephew who has been our church organist for the past three years.  That was bittersweet.  I'm excited for him because I know he will excel in his studies.  He's brilliant.  And I'm sad because we'll all miss him, his smile, his music, his creativity. 

Hugs were met with my "soft hugs" admonishment, and all went "pretty well."  : )  My homeless outreach partner in crime, Suzie, told me at least three times that she was so happy to see me, and  I just felt really blessed.  One of my friends came up after church and said, "I was praying for you and then I opened my eyes and you were here."  Reggie came up and told me she started crying when she saw me walk in because she had thought of me and prayed to see me.  Koko, my friend from our homeless outreach said, "I was starting my prayers praying for you....and then I was ending my prayers praying for you....and lately have I started and ended my prayers praying for you."

It's hard to convey how much this all means to me.  I know that I am where I am today....a survivor...because of God's grace, because of these very special prayers from my family/friends, and because of the belief (theirs and mine) that these prayers will be answered.  And they were.

To all of you out there who are praying for me...I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I truly believe that I could not have done this without your support, your love, and your prayers.  I love you all!

The Good, the Bad and the Achey

It's Memorial Weekend.  And it's been a few days since I blogged.  Life has been fast and slow.  There are times when I feel "normal" again, walking, creating, working on various projects.  And then there are times that I just don't want to do anything:  I don't want to talk, I don't want to get dressed even. 

My abdominal incision is feeling a lot better, but there are times when I am so sore under my arm, on the new breast, across the middle where they tunneled.  The good thing is that this usually happens at the end of the day, when my body gets tired and yells out , "Enough already!  Take it easy, wouldja??" 

Yesterday, I spent most of the day with my brother and sister-in-law Susan.  I had a great day.  We went out walking, smelling the pine and jasmine in their neighborhood,  checking out the pets at the pet store.  I got to see my two handsome nephews (the third handsome nephew was in school), and it was just a very relaxed time with family.  We are so close, but life is so busy.  We don't often get to just spend time together -- where it's not a birthday or holiday, but just quality time.  It was really special.

Back at home, I worked on my new silver pomegranate necklaces and new fundraiser bracelets.  I got them photographed, cropped, ready to list.  And Ani came home.  She asked if we'd like to go see a movie.  The new Woody Allen film, Midnight in Paris, was showing in Burbank.  I thought I'd give it a try.  It was  a great film, but still too soon for me to be sitting in one position for two hours.  I kept getting shooting pains throughout the film....again, reminders from my body that I had just done a little too much today.  :::sigh:::

So here we are, Memorial weekend Saturday.  I listed my new jewelry on Etsy.  It's one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm still in my jammies.  Taking it easy today.  I do need to get out a little, but not for long.  I'm saving my energy for tomorrow.  I'm hoping to make it to church tomorrow....my first Sunday back.

The Garden, Doing Too Much Too Soon & Silver Poms

Yesterday was a good day.  I walked two miles in the morning, came home and sanded and shaped the silver pomegranates, was pretty good about my non-snacking goals (except for the afternoon Oprah sunflower seed extravaganza!), and walked a third mile when my brother came to visit.  It was bra day, and it felt good to have that extra support, to feel normal again.  Today, not so much.  : (   By evening, I was out of my clothes and into my jammies by 6:00.  Just needed to do nothing -- after I torch fired the pomegranates (there's always something to do).  It's hard to explain.  I wasn't "sleepy" tired, but my body was tired...and complaining.  My abdomen (which I didn't really feel had the right to complain since all we did was walk!), was sore...like I had done sit ups all day.  My new breast, after being loosely bound, was tender and achey.  I haven't been taking pain meds for over a week now, but it warranted meds.  "I" didn't feel like I was doing too much too soon, but I guess my body had another opinion.

So this morning, I decided to forego the walk.  Actually, my friend Sugar asked if I'd like to meet her for a walk in Montrose this evening, so I'll get in a short walk (emphasis on "short").  So it's a lazy morning (as far as exercise is concerned).  I slept in til about 8:30.  Made coffee and wire brushed the pomegranates that I had fired last night, and they are happily tumbling in the tumbler in the kitchen for the next few hours. 

My mom is coming over today.  She's bringing lunch.  Despite my insisting that I could fix us something here, that I had food, that I was able to get up and about, and that I am trying to eat healthy, etc.  "I'll bring something light."  God bless her.  Our time together is cherished.   The plan is that we will watch the final Oprah show together.  : )

And finally, this morning, I went out to put the sprinklers on the garden.  It was just a few short weeks ago, pre-surgery, that I was turning the soil, adding organic mix to my terrible dirt, watering, prepping the garden and planting because I KNEW that I wouldn't be able to dig for a few months.  Well, the garden is doing really well, and I thought I'd put up some pics to show progress.  I have tomatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, chinese peas, green beans, cucumbers, bell peppers, eggplant and a sunflowers around the border of the garden.  Nothing is harvestable yet, but it's looking good.  I need to weed (as the crabgrass is coming in again, but I can't bend.  So maybe I can do it with that little "grabber" tool that my mom bought me??  I wonder?

Before you check out the photos though, I just wanted to add a request.  I know there are a lot of you that are reading my blog.  I really appreciate all the great comments on Facebook, Twitter, etc.  I was wondering if you might consider following my blog?  Just because I like knowing who's reading (nosy that I am.)

Okay, here are the photos.  Have a beautiful day today....and remember to listen to your body and don't do too much!  : )

The garden monsters (notice the crabgrass peaking in)

The Chinese peas are starting to climb

I have bell peppers forming!



The full view, sort of.  with the new pepper and tomato plant that I'll ask Neddy to plant this weekend.  Notice the sunflowers that are about 5" high all the way down the right and in the front bottom.





Two Miles

Good Morning!
We're just back from our morning walk.  I was able to walk two miles this morning.  It helped that Ani came along with me...which always makes it more fun.

It's a good day.  First of all, the thing that's "milestone" about today is I got to wear a bra!!!  Sorry guys, I know this is not something that's important to blog about, but let me tell you, after surgery, this is a big deal.  Those of you reading who have been through reconstruction, breast cancer, mastectomy, etc., you know what I'm talking about it.  So the doctor gave me the okay for three weeks out...and I'm here!  Another milestone!

So anyways...back to the walk this morning.  I'm amazed at how strong I am.  Truly.  I mean, just three weeks ago, I had my surgery.  I'm still sore, yes, but I walked two miles this morning and I am pretty sure that I could go further.  I know, I know...don't push it.  But I don't feel like it's tiring or straining.  It actually makes me feel better (mentally/emotionally).  And it's great to see that life is going on out there, outside of my drama, y'know?

Here are some of this morning's sites:

Now this was really random.  We were walking down a side street and came across this chalk outline.  Some one has a leg of lamb for an arm!!





And then there's the beauty of the flowers are are all around the neighborhood....

 

Yesterday was good.  Getting out and walking made a huge difference in the productivity of my day.  After the walk, I got in, made a pot of coffee, and decided to work in silver.  I got quite a bit done...the silver clay is dry now, and today I'm going to set out to sand and shape the pieces I created.  Here's what it all looks like at this stage.  

You can see that some are smooth and some are textured.  I'm going to do a resist technique on the smooth pomegranates.  The textured pomegranates will have "seeds" hanging from them on the bottom.  I'm going to dry doing a cold connection with those, drilling the holes in after firing with a tool that Ani bought me for Christmas.  The loopy things are the bales that I'll attach to the back to hold the chain.  This is what fine silver clay looks like in its unfired state.  So today I'll sand, shape, do the resist, attach the bails, and maybe later on tonight I'll fire them.

I also got more pink ribbon beads in the mail yesterday.  So I'll be creating more of my pink ribbon fundraiser bracelets.  Check them out at http://www.pomegranateandeye.etsy.com/

Here's today's thought:

It is impossible to win the race unless you venture to run, impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle.Richard M. DeVos

A Little Help from My Friends

My daughter Ani leaves for her hospital rotations pretty early in the morning.  I always like for her to tell me she's leaving (if I'm not up), and also to let me know she's made it to the hospital by texting me when she gets there.   I know, I know...it's a bit overprotective, but it's what we do.  Anyways,  because I wrote that post last night, I was in the mode of "thinking" about taking a walk at some time today.

When Ani left this morning,  I looked at my blackberry at my bedside.  The usual email notifications, one more pink ribbon bracelet sale (thank you!), and a "comment" on my blog post from my dear friend in Japan telling me basically to get off the couch....or even think about selling the couch...but basically a call to get up and out and get moving.  So I'm lying in bed reading this...and another comment came in.  This time on Facebook, from my friend Sandra.  Another word of encouragement. 

So I didn't roll over and go back to sleep.  I didn't wait for Ani's text saying she got to the hospital. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on my clothes and laced up my shoes.  And off I went.  I have to tell you, it was beautiful out.  The air was cool and scented with jasmine that's blooming all over my neighborhood.  And according to mapmyrun.com my first morning walk totaled 1.13 miles!  Yay me.  Tomorrow I will go further!

I was trying to take in, with fresh eyes, some of the sites and goings on around me.  Here's some of what I saw:

A grandma sweeping the curb while her grandson waited with his backpack for his ride to school
The fog hugging the foothills
Some beautifully manicured yards
Some very dead and not so beautiful yards...yellowed from no water?  water shortage? or just lack of care?
Cactus blooming at curbside in a very unsuspecting rock garden
A car with a C-clamp clamped to its hood to hold it down while driving!
A jasmine-scented corridor where about 50 feet of my walk was permeated with this beautiful fragrance
A really old dog on his walk with his not-so-old owner
A neighbor's fence made entirely of nautical spools?  Round and wooden.  Very cool. 
Dewdrops on roses
The white mulberry tree on the corner is starting to blossom/make berries
Crazy, vining morning glories
Pomegranate trees blooming!

And I took a few pictures...just so you believe I was there.  : )
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and prayers!  I am on the road to feeling better everyday!  I get by with a little help from my friends!

Here's the cool cactus flower!

My neighbor, Dave's garden...always nice.  That's my car in the driveway just beyond.  This was as I was coming back home.  You can see the foothills in fog in the background...sort of.

I don't know what ths flower is but it's a huge, drought tolerant scrub.  I had heard that it's called a Mexican Rose.  It's really very showy and beautiful.

I saw lots of roses with dewdrops.

And here's that incredible wall of jasmine.  As I approached it, there was no fragrance...and then about 10 feet into it, you get hit!  and after you pass it, the fragrance hangs in a cloud beyond it. 





What I've Learned from Cancer

Since I've been blogging about my cancer, I've received comments and emails from people commending me for my "positive" attitude.  I've been helping another friend through this terrible disease, and that has gotten me thinking about attitude, my feelings about cancer, and coping.  I wanted to share because it hasn't all been positive...at least I haven't been.

Cancer is not fun.  In fact, it's downright scary.  My first time around with breast cancer, I was 34 with two young children.  I was NOT positive at all.  In fact, when the surgeon told me that he recommended a double mastectomy, I was ready to say yes.  I was not proactive at all.  Moreso, I was one that just accepted her fate.  My mom suggested a second opinion.  I remember telling her no.   "Mom, I have cancer!  They want to do a double mastectomy.  I've set the surgery date. I need to do this and get it over with."  I was terrified, depressed, and all I could think about was living through it to be able to raise my children.  My mom was the voice of reason.  The woman of faith that she is, she suggested that I seek a second, if not a third, opinion.  In fact, she threatened that she would be dragging me in my pj's if I didn't get up and get dressed, but we were going, and that was that.  And I did.  It was because of her that I didn't have to have a double mastectomy at 34.  I had a lumpectomy and radiation thereapy, and was able to keep my breasts for another 18 years.  That's what I needed at that time.  Someone to take me by the hand - drag me if necessary - and tell me what to do!

After cancer, after the therapy, I had that invincible high.  I joined the ranks of "survivors" I was able to raise my children.  Life was good.  And I learned a lot from my experience.  And I came to the realization that there was a lesson to be learned from everything in life.  There is a quote from Mother Teresa that I found recently:  "I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle, I just wish He didn't trust me this much."  This ties in with the lesson thing.  I don't think God gives us stuff like cancer to "handle", but I do know that He trusts us with getting through it so that we can learn from it...and carry the message of hope to others.   So after the cancer, I became adamant about reaching out to others with cancer, doing the breast cancer walks, helping others going through it because I've been "entrusted" with the recovery and making it through....now we carry the message forward.

I also learned a lesson in priorities.  I have always thrived on chaos.  My life is always "full" of too many things.  But what cancer showed me back then was I needed to slow down.  God had given me the gift of  life and an opportunity to raise my children, and spend my days with family and friends.  It was a gift and something that I needed to cherish every day.  This thinking has stayed with me for the past 18 years.  I still say "yes" to far too many things...that is just my nature, but each day is a blessing, and my family needs to always come first.

So that was then.  This time, Round Two with breast cancer, I was better prepared.  There was no fear of the unknown.  Sure, I didn't know what a mastectomy/reconstruction would be about, but I had fought the battle once before - twice if you count the colon cancer, so it was more of a call to get on my armor and fight!  Here's how I saw it this time:
Given:  I want to live.  I want to survive.  I want to see Ani's graduation, her wedding....and someday,  son Nareg's wedding (someday), my nephews and niece's graduations, celebrations.  I want to see my children be happy, have families of their own.  Okay, I knew this much.  I am a woman of faith and given this, I know I am in good hands.  God has NEVER left me alone...not through round one of breast cancer, not through colon cancer, not through my divorce.  Those were major things.  But He has also never left me alone through my day-to-day ordinary life: my jobs, my life, my financial troubles, etc.  So why should I think that he would EVER leave me alone now, in my time of need?  That wouldn't make sense, right?  Right!

So, knowing that, I just gave it all up to God.  It made absolutely no sense for me to worry about my surgery.  There's nothing I would be able to do about that part.  I would just have to resign myself to know that I was in the capable hands of my surgeons, guided by God.  What I COULD do is start focusing on the healing.  I could visualize wellness, picturing myself getting a little stronger, a little healthier every day.  I could put it in my head that I WOULD make it to Ani's graduation...and I currently visualize myself there, being present and well.  I can visualize myself as healthy, walking miles in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in September.  The mind is an amazing thing.  With the help of Christ, the healer of all, we have the power to be well!

And finally, I've learned to think of my cancer as a positive rather than a negative.  Since Round One really opened my eyes in respect to my priorities and my faith, I am viewing this as a positive.  What lesson is there to be learned?  Is it a call to slow down?  A call to take better care of myself?  To spend more time doing what I truly love?  Or is it a reminder of how precious family and friends are?  How we are all interconnected in one another's lives....and how much we are loved.  Yes to all!  It's a wake-up call! 

To all of us who have lived with cancer, or who are fighting the fight right now:  Have faith.  Believe.  Trust.  Learn.  And then put on your armor and FIGHT!!! 

Healing...

Yesterday I had my last drain removed.  Yay!  You don't know what a big deal that is as far as getting dressed.  For the first time, I didn't have a tube sticking out of my waist, or a pouch hanging off my neck.  Freedom!  The drain levels were still a little high, but Dr. Berger felt we could remove it with a warning of, "If you feel like you're accumulating fluid inside you....or if you feel a sloshing inside your abdomen, you need to come in and we'll have to aspirate it."  Ewww.  I asked if maybe we should keep the drain in a little longer then?  I don't know, the idea of having to aspirate fluid with a needle to the abdomen....not nice.  But he felt it should be okay.  So out it came.

I could feel ever inch of the tubing as all 12" - 15" or so came out of my body.  Terrible feeling.  Not painful, just eery.  Like a tail whipping through your body from the inside.  They put a gauze over the drain site, told me it may drain on its own for a couple days and hopefully all will be okay.  The advice was to go buy some compression undergarments to keep everything supported.  I asked if I could drive.  He said he didn't see why not since I'm no longer on the Vicodin, so I got the okay for driving.  Not that I'm going anywhere, mind you....I still can't wear a bra (which means still can't dress normally), but the idea that I can if  I wanted to, is good enough for me.

And when can I wear a bra (now that we're on the subject).  Starting next week.  Why am I sharing this?  In case there are any of you out there reading that are going through, or going to go through, you've gotta know, right?  Okay, so three weeks out, I can start wearing a loose-fitting (circumfence-wise) bra.  This is because the blood flow to the reconstructed breast has to remain good...so no tight-fitting clothing. 

I asked about the pain I've been feeling...the hypersensitive areas, and the numbness.  Both are normal.  He explained that my skin has been traumatized by the reconstruction, so the nerves are all regenerating, and the skin is regaining it's blood flow.  The numbness is because of the extensive abdominal surgery when they moved the muscle/skin/fat UNDERNEATH my skin, and tunneled it up to create the breast.  So again, nerves severed, reconnected.  It was going to take time....meaning months...for things to get back to normal.   The doctor recommended a homeopathic cream called Arnica that would help with the healing/brusing.

On the way back from the doctor we went to Target to buy the compression undergarments...and to Whole Foods for the Arnica cream which I bought in gel and cream form.  I have to say that it has been helping, just a bit...but it's better than taking Tylenol for it, which was pointless. 

I was surprised as to how much drainage was still going on, but the compression has been helping a lot and this morning, everything seems to have slowed down.  ::phew::

Sooo....I'm home...and trying to clean house a little.  Not very easy when you can't bend too well.  But I'm trying to do what I can.    Everyday gets a little better.  My next doctor's appointment is not for another four weeks!

Oh!  And Dr. Berger said it's good for me to walk.  Ani and I told him we had signed up for the Avon Walk in September....he said, "Great...just don't walk ten miles tomorrow....but start training, just don't go crazy".  : )

So if you'd like to support us:  http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk/LosAngeles?px=2246507&pg=personal&fr_id=2060    Only 121 days left!

About Sharing...

I've been  off work for two weeks now.  Being that I'm not a big TV watcher, this gives me a lot of time to think.  I've been thinking a lot lately about cancer, illness, the beauty of prayer and friendship, blogging, going public, and sharing.  It was really a big decision for me to "go public" with my breast cancer, putting it up here on the blog page.  But I'm really glad that I did it.  It's really been helping me to write down my emotions, thoughts, even just my day to day here on these pages and sharing them. 

I'm usually a pretty private person.  I share, but I share with those that I am super close with:  my family and perhaps one or two close friends.  In the beginning I didn't want to share with everyone, because I was afraid of negativity, suggestions, and the worst part - having to discuss the same thing over and over with various people.  But the reaction I've gotten to going public has been so opposite what I thought:   have gotten only positive feedback.  I've have received encouragement and prayers from readers, and because people are informed of the day-to-day online, my fear of having to repeat the gorey details over and over just hasn't come to fruitition.

Cancer is scary.  As much positivity as you may have, and as much faith as you may have, there is still the reality that you are not in control.  Having faith means that you don't let the fear control you; but it still doesn't mean that you have control of the illness.  And that's difficult....especially for someone who likes to be in control, like me. 

Sharing all this has been helping me.  Telling people has been good.  Sharing.  It's not just sharing on a happy level.  It's sharing on all levels:  sad, discouraged, frightened, joyful, hopeful.  I'm normally a pretty "up" person.  But I do have my days (as you all know).  Sharing lets everyone in on those days too...something that I wouldn't normally share, but something that is definitely part of me as well.  And this is good.  It's good for me to see that  I can share this part of me, and still have people around that encourage me and cheer me on. 

So I thank you all....for letting me share.  For your encouragement, your prayers, your comments (which I love).  Thank you for helping me through all this.  And for sharing my sharing with others.