Approaching the Weekend - Tired!

I shouldn't feel so tired.  It all hit me yesterday after my first day back to work.  I had gone camping with Ani, my sister and her two girls and my friend Nancy.  Our all-girl camping trip.  That was Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.  Then Wednesday I had the day of doctor's appointments.  And yesterday it was back to work.  By the time I got home yesterday, I felt that I had the energy just sucked out of me.  And today, I'm just tired and dragging.

That's the difference between pre- and post-cancer.  I feel like I'm well.  My scars have healed.  I even feel like my insides are making progress.  Thankfully, I don't have any treatment going on for my breast cancer.  But despite all this, I find that my energy is just not where it used to be. 

I'm almost 4 months post op from my mastectomy and tram flap procedure.  The doctor, today, gave me the okay to expand my exercise from "just walking" to some light cardio and arm work.  Still no abs, no tummy stuff.  No pulling or stretching that area.  Still, I'm grateful for this much so I can work my geloid arms again.

I brought this fatigue up to the doctor.  Am I supposed to be so tired so far out from surgery?  Well, she said, if it was just one surgery, maybe....but I've had three major surgeries in 6 months.  I guess it's just catch up time.

If I could just put everything on hold and get some quality rest it would be one thing.  But there's so much going on in my life.  I have these illustrations for a children's book that I am commissioned to do.  I need to work on those and try to meet a late October deadline.  There's the jewelry business.  The homeless outreach.  Church.  Family.  The day job.  And the bills.  It gets overwhelming.  But....and this is a big one....I am alive to do these things. And I am relatively well and healthy.  I guess I should stop complaining, no?

One Week Out and Ready to Take the Next Step ....Literally!

It's Monday, May 9.  I am one week post-op from mastectomy and tram flap reconstruction.  I've leaned a lot over the past week about the procedure, how to listen to my body and how to take care of myself.  I've also taken some strides to get myself up and healthy.

A week ago, I didn't really know what to expect.  Yes, the doctor said he was sending me home with drains attached...but I didn't know to what extent.  Eighteen years ago, I was discharged with one drain under my arm, emptying me of the lymph from the node dissection.  Today, I still have three drains...one on my side to drain the excess fluids from the mastectomy and the newly constructed breast, and then two in the lower abdomen area to drain the surgical site where muscle, fat and tissue were taken to create the new breast.  I have to monitor this drainage (which is not nice), emptying the drains into a measuring cup and noting the cc's from each site.  I have to keep a drain log which I call in to the surgeon's office. 

I've learned to listen to my body.  I've not ever been a "nappy" type of person.  But after this surgery, let me tell you....I nap.  The Vicodin kicks in after about 20 minutes, and I need to nap.  When I haven't been able to, because of family, etc., I can feel it.  The rest helps me heal, and I actually think I'm doing better because of the napping.

I think the hardest thing to get used to is allowing myself to rely on others.  I have never been very high maintenance, and I've never been going at asking for help.  After surgery I have no choice.  I can't bend.  I can't drive.  I can't  move quickly.  I can't shower or wash my hair.  What I CAN do is ask.  This is not easy, but unless I want to get my hair washed, I have to ask.  Sponge bath?  Ask.  You get the idea.  Not easy, but necessary.

And then this week, Ani and I signed up to participate in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.  We've done this before...and we're doing it again.  I was on the fence about signing up again this year -- we have an $1800 fundraising goal EACH.  It's hard to ask friends for money.  BUT after this year's diagnosis, I feel that I HAVE TO WALK.  First of all, I need to push myself.  The training will be a way to get out, push myself to get up and moving, but most of all....it's to celebrate life!  And to raise money and awareness for breast cancer, and to work toward a cure.  So I've included a link to my page.  I hope you'll consider supporting me.  Any amount you'd like to donate is fine and very much appreciated.  Here's the link:  http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk/LosAngeles?px=2246507&pg=personal&fr_id=2060

Do you have a friend or family member that you'd like us to walk in honor/memory or celebration of?  Please send me their name and we will carry them along with us:

These are the names of those we walked in honor and memory of last year.  We carried these names with us on our packs every step of the 39.3 miles!

Anyways, I hope you'll consider supporting the cause.  If you'd rather send a check, please email me: ahnoosh@ca.rr.com

Help us take the next step in breast cancer.  Here we are at the Avon Walk 2010 after crossing the finish line.  It's incredible to participate in something so powerful....and to do it with your daughter!  Because of walkers who walked and raised awareness before me, I am alive today!  And grateful! 

Happy Mother's Day: It Hurts When I Laugh

It's Mother's Day today, and it's coming to a close.  It was a wonderful day, but different.  I missed going to church with my family.  And I missed being all together with my mom, sister, brother and their families.  But it was a nice day, just different. 

The plan was that Nareg would bring over Thai food and that Ani would make dessert..and we'd sit on the couch, vege and watch Harry Potter.  That's what we did.  The food was great, the dessert was beautiful (and yummy) and the movie was suspenseful.

Throughout the day, while talking to the family, or on the phone with my brother, I caught myself saying "don't make me laugh....it hurts to laugh."  Holding my gut, I'd lean over and brace myself.  But the response was always, "YOU'RE the one telling the joke...you're doing it to yourself."  It made me realize that it really was me.  That despite the major surgery, this terrible disease and all that goes with it, life was still funny, and good...and being with my family was really the best possible medicine ever. 

It was a good day.  A really nice fun day.  I missed my mom who was at my brother & sister in law's house.  And she missed  being with us as well.  But there is always tomorrow.  Tomorrow is also Mother's day, and the next day, and the next day!  She's coming over tomorrow.   I'm so blessed.  Happy Mother's day to all the mom's out there -- especially the Best Mom...My Mom  -- who has taught me so much about love, faith, hope, parenting, prayer and compassion. 

To my wonderful children, Thank You, for blessing me with being your mom.  I love you both so much.  Thank you for a great day...and for the laughter and smiles.

Ani's lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, and amaretto cream strawberries (and good coffee)

Day 4: The doctor's appointment, the pain pumps, and comments

I had an appointment today to get my pain pumps and dressings.  Pain pumps are these fat grenade-like balls filled with pain meds, and they are sutured into your skin and distribute medication into your incision.  Along with your drains, you carry around a pouch with your pain pumps...and as the meds are used up, the grenades become smaller.  So today the sutures came out and the tubing was pulled out of the incision....and pulled, and pulled and pulled.  It was wild...maybe 15" of tubing X 2 were removed.  Apparently, the tubes have holes in them (kind of like a tiny irrigation hose) and the tubes are laced throughout your incision to give you pain relief.  I do miss the pain relief, but I don't miss carrying them around.

My abdominal incision was unwrapped today as well.  It's healing really well, but I look like Sally from Nightmare before Christmas with a zipper of stiitches going from one hip to the other.  The drains are still doing their thing and will remain in til at least Wednesday.  The breast is bruised but healing fine.  And I'm still really sore and hurting, on pain meds, and unable to do much.

Along with all this, I wanted to write a little about comments.  I know it's really awkward when talking to someone who has cancer, or has undergone surgery because of cancer.  But as difficult as it is, it's also hard on the person.  I talk to family and friends on the phone and I get comments like, "You sound great!  You sound so energetic and happy!  I'm glad you're doing so well."  Or something like that.  I know the caller has good intention.  But the truth is, you don't feel energetic and happy.  You've had a body part that you were born with cut out of you.  It hurts to sit down, stand up, walk, lie down.  Emotionally, you have highs and lows.  You have had cancer.  Is it in the past?  Did they get it all?  Will the pathology report show more in the nodes?  Yes, there's relief because the surgery is behind you.  The worst is over.  But now there's a lot of healing to do...physically and emotionally.  So as encouraging as the comment may seem, it's really not as comforting as intended.

So what do you say?  Just ask, "how are you feeling?" And listen.  Ask if there's anything you can do?  Pick up anything from the market?  Help with anything?  And unless you're immediate family, wait a few weeks before saying you want to come over for a visit, and understand when your idea to visit isn't met with the same enthusiasm.  I know in my case, I can't even get dressed most days, let alone pick up my house.  The idea of having visitors is too much at this point.  Lastly, know that your friend loves you, and appreciates your friendship so much, but this thing that she's going through..it's not always black and white.