Walking By Heart With God

When I was young, whenever we were supposed to learn something totally and completely, backwards and forwards, inside and out, my teachers would say we'd have to learn it "by heart".  An interesting way of thinking, don't you think?  Why not learn it by mind?  by head? or by brain?  I mean that's where the thought processes are, right?  But "by heart" meant more than just learning it like a robot...it meant embracing it, learning it with every beat of your heart, and feeling it coursing through your veins.  Okay, I'm being a little dramatic here.  We don't ever think about it this way when we're little, but you get what I'm saying.  In a nutshell, do your homework, really learn it, and be ready when you're asked a question about it.

I remember learning many things "by heart": the Pledge of Allegiance, the Lord's Prayer in English, the Preamble of the Constitution, and later all the verses of Miss American Pie.

Growing up, we always prayed as a family at mealtime, and mom would tuck us in at night and say our prayers with us, and those were always learned prayers as well, except for the add-ins of people we would pray for, but in general, we would recite the Lord's Prayer in Armenian and later on the 15th prayer of I Confess with Faith - Bahaban Amenaynee or O Christ, Guardian of all.

As we grow up, we learn about prayer and talking to God not by heart, but  FROM the heart.  And this is how I spend my morning prayer time with God, in conversation.  Mostly listening to myself and trying to hear Him or feel God's presence. And this morning, not having anything to write about today in mind, I asked for guidance on what I could share with you.  And then I left for work.

I have made a habit of praying by heart when I am alone.When I was going through radiation therapy, I would recite the 23rd Psalm.  I had my rhythm timed just right so that when the machine started, I would start, "The Lord Is My Shepherd."  I would go nice and slow, and just when I would end with ..."and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever," the machine would click off.   I found this very comforting at a very scary and uncertain time in my life.  But I digress....

So I left the house this morning for work, and on my 6 block walk to the bus stop (in the DARK because of the new time change), I was praying the 24 "I Confess with Faith" prayers, and I got to prayer #9 and there it was again...the thinking with the heart thing.  Here it is:

"All Provident Lord, place your holy fear as a guard before my eyes that I may not look lustfully; before my ears that they may not delight in hearing evil words; before my mouth that it may not speak falsehoods; before my HEART that it may not THINK evil; before my hands that they may not do injustice; before my feet that they may not walk in the paths of injustice, but so direct them that they may always be according to your commandments.  Have mercy on all your creation and on me a great sinner."

And so there it was...you get what you pray for.  I asked for something to write about, and here it is.  And it made perfect sense.  To think with one's heart. Whether we act in joy or anger, the emotion comes from the heart.  The brain controls the physical functions of our bodies, but it's the heart that controls our actions.  Whether we choose to love or hate, fear or embrace, it's all tied in with the love we receive, the hurt we felt, the disappointment, the happiness, the joy and the sorrow...and it's the heart that controls all of that.

For me, there is a place for both - by heart, and from the heart - prayer.  The prayers that I have learned over the years are not a substitute for the conversations that I share with God in the early morning hours, throughout the day and late at night.  They have been a companion to me in the worst of times, and also in the best of days.   But they are a constant comfort, and they accompany the beat of my heart, and the rhythm of my footsteps as I walk everyday, by heart, with God.

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To hear the audio version of this as well as other blog entries, tune into The Next Step with Father Vazken a weekly podcast about Armenian Orthodoxy and applied Christianity  at www.epostle.net

The Right, the Left, and a New Look at Direction

Today was election day.  We voted for city officials.  It's always amazing to me how much junk mail is generated at election time.  Most of the time, I don't even look at it...it goes from mailbox to trash.  But all the junk mail and phone calls to vote for this person or that person got me to thinking about my own views, not political but spiritual.  And I started thinking about the Left, the Right and what makes them so.

One of the groups I follow on FB is called The Christian Left.  I can't say that I always agree with them, but for the most part, we are aligned in our belief that Christ and his teachings are all about love and compassion.  So what makes them "left"?  We tend to think of the left as more liberal; and the right as being conservative.  I even sent off an email to my brother and said, "We are the AOL - The Armenian Orthodox Left" because at our church - our many ministries focus on a more global outreach rather than the usual ethnocentric views of other Armenian churches.

The Left side tends to be more rebellious and radical in their ideas traditionally sharing and distributing the wealth more among the needy.  While the Right is more set in their ways, more about growing business and wealth.  And then there's the Christian Right.  The ones that give the rest of us Christians a bad name.  They're the ones that judge (even when we were told "Judge not lest ye be judged." Matthew 7); and they have a lot of  hatred in them (when they condemn those that are different from themselves).  And so what they are successful in doing is drawing people further and further away from Christ's teachings in the name of Christianity.  The way that I defend my faith when I explain their actions is by telling someone who asks my opinion in comparison to theirs? - Their Jesus is not MY Jesus.  I mean seriously...we believe that God is Love...Christ is love incarnate...so what Christ is commanding us is what our God is commanding us.  It's not  just some guy off the street telling us that we should love one another and care for one another.  It's God telling us.  And if God said it, then that's good enough for me!

Okay, so now, here's where it gets tricky.  So, as an orthodox Christian, I adhere to the teachings of Christ. We follow the rules of our faith - what I like to call "Applied Christianity".  We believe that Christ is love incarnate.  To follow His teachings is to follow a path of love and compassion.  We follow the fasting traditions and dietary restrictions of our faith. We feed and clothe the needy and care for those that are suffering.  So if the RIGHT is traditionally the ones that are supposedly "conservative"; then shouldn't we be more aligned with the Right?  It seems that it all got jumbled up somewhere.  The extremists should be on the Left as they've taken the tenants of Christianity and rewritten it to their own liking.  And then there are those of us that believe in the true message of Christ who are just practicing what He preached:  Love one Another.  Take care of one another.

So forget what I said about calling ourselves the  AOL - I think we should be known as the OAR - The Orthodox Armenian Right!   Just paddling through the flotsam in the sea of life!  We should strive to live our faith through action as Christ taught.  We are not so much conservative as we are traditionalists - Traditionally, our Christ was free thinking, a non-violent revolutionary, non-condemning, loving and compassionate and forgiving.  .  Those are the qualities that I work on following in my spiritual path.

So there it is.  Something to think about.  New definitions.  It seems to me that what was Left, is now Right; and what was Right is just, well...wrong.

March: What Happened to My One Little Word?

Here we are at March already.  And I was looking back at the past two months in relation to my "One Little Word" that I chose - BALANCE.  This is the word that I'm supposed to be striving for this year..the word that is supposed to be my focus.  So here I am with two months under my belt and 10 to go for the year, and I'm thinking - Phhhhtt!!  I'm not balanced.  I'm not anywhere near balanced!  My life is too hectic to be balanced.  So by choosing this word, did I just end up setting myself up for failure?  And the answer is YES!     Not that anyone but me is judging my progress, but I'm finding it to be just one more pressure on myself.  Truly, juggling a day job, my prayer life, family, transitioning my mama to live with us, making jewelry, blogging, etc. Life is imbalanced, and seriously, I don't see balance in the near future.  There are never enough hours to the day, never enough hours to catch up on sleep (I average 4-5 hours a night) And so why not change the word?  Okay, I will!

So I am hereby declaring my word of the year to be ::::drumroll::::  PEACE!  So, you may ask, "Is there Peace in chaos?"  Yes!  There is!  As hectic as my life is, I am at peace.  Is there room for improvement? or did I just pick something easy?  Well, yes, there is major room for improvement, and this is why I chose this word.  As you know, we're in the period of lent.  And one of my challenges is to give up gossip (even being party to the listening of gossip - which is the hard one).  By eliminating this one thing, I have found in the past three weeks, that it is helping in the area of peaceful living....and this is going to continue with me after Easter as well.  Another thing that I'm focusing on is the negativity factor.  People that know me don't think this is an issue.  I am generally very positive when it comes to anything other than my own issues.  But inside myself I do have that little voice that always feels that I'm falling short - I didn't promote my business enough; I'm still at my day job; I am not helping enough people; my house is a mess, I didn't exercise...I didn't; I couldn't...etc.

I also realized that I started focusing on the word Peace back in September of last year when during my morning prayer I received a message regarding peace, and I am acting on it (but I'll write a little more about my progress with that prayer in the near future...because I am actively working on it but I don't want to come off as being preachy.) Click here if you'd like to read that blog post:  Pray for Peace. Believe Peace.  Live Peace. 

So I'm working on the negative.  And I'm trying to find my own inner peace.  That comes through prayer, conscious effort and acceptance.  Accepting the fact that I'm not perfect and that it's okay to ask for help when I need it.  It also comes from being okay with where you are in life at the moment - not looking to keep up with everyone else; not being concerned about possessions, and "Living Simply so that others can Simply Live."

So there you have it!  My new 2013 - One Little Word is "PEACE!"  I think it's a better fit for me, and something that I am truly passionate about.

A Loving Divorce

I was talking to a friend the other day.  She is going through a failing marriage.  We sat and talked over coffee, sharing our pasts and thoughts and emotions, and then, and then what came out of my mouth kind of took me aback.  Not that it was surprising, because it's what I knew in my heart to be true.  But the way it flowed out came out so naturally.  What I told her was this:  Open your heart to love.  Do all things out of love, always.  Because when your heart is open to love, you will attract goodness.  And don't be afraid to fail.  Because in failure there is growth.  Learn from your mistakes, forgive and move on.

Going through a divorce is not easy.  I know because I have been there.  There are a lot of emotions, hurt, anger and pain.  And so how is it possible to have a loving divorce?  Weird question, right?  First of all, I'll tell you, it's not easy.  But it can be done.  The key is prayer and forgiveness.  Prayer has always been important to me.  It took prayer to guide me to make my decisions.  It took prayer to help me heal.  And it took a lot of prayer to forgive.

As I talked to my friend, the analogy of a wound came to mind.   In the beginning, the wound is fresh and painful.  If you keep it clean, nurture it, and take care of it, it will slowly heal.  Eventually, it will heal over and all that will be left is a small scar...to help you remember the good parts and learn from the past.  If you treat the wound with bitterness, anger and hatred, it will keep opening and festering.  A constant reminder of the bad hand you were dealt and the pain that you're going through - over and over again.

Forgiving one's self is the hardest of all.  Growing up in a family where divorce was not in the vocabulary made it especially difficult. So forgiving myself for a failing marriage was the hardest, especially when I thought about my children, division of the family, and all that bad stuff.   I am fortunate in that my ex-husband understood that we would forever be in each other's lives because of the children we have together.  We tried hard to never speak badly about one another in front of the children or otherwise.  We never allowed our kids to feel that they had to choose sides.  We worked hard to be there together for their birthdays and family events.  It was a lot of work, quite often very awkward, but in all things we thought first of our children.  And as they grew older, we had less parenting to do together, and so our differences became less and less prevalent.  Eventually, time healed the wounds and both of us  moved on and remarried.

Our children have now grown into adults.  My son was telling me the other day that he has so many friends who have divorced parents that can't stand to be in the same room with one another.  I am blessed that things worked out as they did, but it's not random chance.  Like I said, it takes a lot of work, an open heart and an ability to forgive. And it takes faith and prayer.  None of us are perfect.  Once I came to terms with this key fact, it became easier to forgive and move on.  When we pray the Lord's prayer, we ask, "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."  In other words, forgive us the way that we forgive others.  I try very hard in all things not to judge someone.  I leave that up to God.  When it's time, He will be the one to judge.  My job at this time, is to spread His love and light to others.  This is my daily prayer.

This past October, we had the honor of sharing a very blessed moment together.  My ex-husband and I walked our daughter down the aisle together as she approached the altar to marry her best friend and the love of her life.  When we kissed her and gave her over to her handsome groom, we took our place in the pew as her loving parents - next to our respective spouses.  Love is forever.  Sometimes it changes shape and reinvents itself.  Old wounds heal, and all that remains is a small scar to remember the good times, to learn from the difficult times, and to revel in the beauty of a life well-loved.

Controlling My Inner Martha

Painting by Dr. He Qi       www.heqigallery.com

On our drive home from church on Sunday afternoons, my mom and I usually like to discuss the day's sermon.  This Sunday, being the Sunday of Expulsion  we were talking about obedience to God, the shortcomings of humanity, and then, out of the blue, my mom says, "You know...there's one Bible story that I just don't like!  It's the story of the two sisters, Mary and Martha."  So I asked her what it was that didn't sit right with her.  So she told  me the story:  Jesus was good friends with Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha.  The story goes that Jesus was invited to dinner, and Martha tended to all the house prep, cooking and cleaning and serving her guest, while Mary sat at Christ's feet and listened to His teachings.  When Martha had had just about enough of being the only one working, she asks Jesus if it's right that Mary is just kicking back while she's slaving away over a hot stove, and Jesus gives Martha a kind little reprimand saying that her sister has the right idea.  Okay, this is the simplified "mom" version...but it's on the money.  And mom continued, "I don't like it because Martha is working so hard.  I'm like Martha.  If Jesus were coming to my home, of course I would want the BEST that I have to offer for Him.  I would want to put out the best food, and make sure my house was clean.  I'd want to make sure that he was offered food and drink.  And I'd want him to feel at home.  So poor Martha is doing all of this and her sister is just sitting there!  Of course Martha would be upset.  I would be upset too.  That's why I don't get this story.  Didn't Jesus see that Martha was doing all of that for Him?  Why did Jesus take sides with Mary?"

We did talk about the obvious answer...that Christ wants us to listen to Him, to spend time with Him.  The rest of the hoopla is not important. But we arrived home, and then  there was lunch to fix, so the discussion got cut short.  But I have been thinking about this for two days now and came to the conclusion that there were two issues at hand.

The first is  "Priorities".  It's not so much that Mary was spending time with Christ - that's a given.  But it's more about the fact that Mary put Christ first above everything else.  Mary understood that once Jesus came to their home, she would put aside everything else and make Christ her priority because nothing else could be as important as being "present" in Christ..  I mean, when would she ever have that opportunity again?  And because of that, would she want to sit and absorb everything she could about Him? or would she want to be dishing up pilav in the kitchen?  On the other hand, that part is important too.   It's just not AS important.  So I was thinking of these priorities during my morning prayer.  I like to pray first thing in the morning, at about 5:00 a.m.  I love this special time alone in the morning, and my intention is good - to set aside quality time with God - BUT my life is hectic.  Inevitably during my prayer time, as I'm trying to purge my mind and focus on prayer, the Martha in me makes an appearance and allows my day-to-day to creep in.  Then Mary corrals my thoughts back to prayer. Then Martha reminds me of all I have to do, then Mary takes the reins, well, you get the idea.  I'm going to have to work on that.  Focus and prioritization!

And then the second fault of Martha was that she allowed what started off as her JOY - to offer her hospitality to Christ - to become a negative.  Her goal was to do something wonderful to show her love for Jesus.  But she allowed anger, resentment, and jealousy toward her sister to creep in.  She was probably feeling like she wanted Jesus' praise for all the trouble she was going through for Him.  Instead Mary was the shining star of the day.  I can totally understand how she felt.  And the Bible doesn't mention how Martha's comments probably hurt Mary and caused her embarrassment .  Negativity breeds negativity.   Sometimes, it's the very thing that we're most passionate about that can frustrate us the most.  Only because we have a vision of how we want things to be.  And there's a healthy dose of pride - okay, an unhealthy dose -  attached as well as we embark on the path to making things "just so."  But we are not perfect.  It's better to let things go that we are not in control of.  We can't control what someone else does.  We can't control the Mary.  Mary is just fine the way she is.  All we can do, is control the Martha.  Try our best to do our best, but in all things to act out of extreme love.

During this Lenten season, I'm going to try to control my inner Martha, and set my priorities on living a Christ-centered life more like Mary.  With only four weeks to go, I have my work cut out for me.

An Amazing Love - or - The Love Gene

I don't know how they do it.  Nurses.  I read a post on Facebook just yesterday and in a nutshell, it said this:  They don't have time to take care of their physical needs because they are taking care of ours.  They get yelled at because our medication is late, they are away from their families because they are there taking care of ours.  I know this all too well because in 2011, I was hospitalized three times over a six month period.  And while I was going through all that, my daughter Ani was a nursing student.  As a nurse's aide, I heard all about her day to day and so I tried, despite my pain, to be kind to my nurses.  When I was going through my bouts of cancer, my daughter was there by my side, not quite a nurse yet, but so loving and caring.  She would follow up with my appointments, question my doctors, sit beside me to offer support.  All good training for what was ahead.  That very year, I proudly watched her graduate nursing school just 6 weeks after my surgery,  and the following year I was there to celebrate the completion of her nursing residency.  And so why am I bringing this up now?  Old news, right?

Well, today is Valentine's day.  A day to appreciate those we love.  And I wanted to share this with you because it touched my heart.  This morning I got on the bus at 6:30 a.m.  In my mad rush to get out of the house on time, I grabbed my phone off the charger, threw it in my pocket and made it to the bus on time.  Looking down at my phone when I finally sat down, I saw a text message from my daughter:  "I just went to see my patient.  He's not looking too good.  Please keep him in your prayers."  My daughter and I are united in a lot of things, but one of the strongest of these is prayer.  So I prayed - on the 409 Commuter bus - for her patient.  That God give his body strength to receive the medications, treatments and care.  But also, that if that was not possible, that He not allow this child to suffer long.  I texted her back.  and looking at my phone I realized that her text had come to me at midnight.  6.5 hours earlier.  I wrote her...apologizing for the delay...asking how her patient was, hoping that he made it through.  But she responded that he had passed away during the night.  This patient had been in her life in and out of the course of a year.  Diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, he was in the hospital frequently.  I could "hear" it in her text message, and later in her voice when she drove home in the early morning.  Just as our nurses grow on us; so too do their patients grow on them.  They think of them; pray for them; and have hope for them.  And this loss affected my daughter.

I rode into downtown thinking about all of this.  How do nurses do it? Faced with life and death everyday?  I don't know if I'd be able to be so strong.  And it got me thinking of the difference between them and us.  I think that some people are blessed by God with the "love gene".  It's not a scientific thing...or maybe it is...but it's the love gene that makes a nurse able to comfort someone's sick child in the middle of the night.  It's the love gene in a nurse that restores a hospitalized teen's dignity when they need cleaning up;  It's the love gene that enables a young nurse to dry her tears at the loss of a patient, and in their grieving, turn around, put on a smile and help someone else that's in need.  The love gene is patient, kind and nurturing.  And it is filled with hope and compassion.

So on this Valentine's Day, I wanted to send a special love note out to all those amazing nurses!   Thank you for all you do.  From all of us: parents and patients.  Thank you for being patient and kind with us with us even though  sometimes we aren't patient and kind with you.  Thank you for hurting when we hurt.  And for your amazing love.  You are a blessing in our world.  Oh, and a special note to my daughter...I love you,  Ani.  You are my hero!

Looking Inward for Lent

It's hard to believe, but January is over and February is well underway.  For those of us that made resolutions, it's time to revisit them and assess our progress. This year, I chose one word to be a mantra, a resolution for myself.  And that word is "Balance."   I chose this word to help me focus on balancing my life, my diet, my time, my sleep.  One month into the new year, I'm still not feeling like I'm hitting the mark, but I am working on it.  The year's not over yet. 

But there's another time to set aside some time for introspection other than new year.  And that's the period of lent.   As young children, we would think for weeks about what we were going to "give up" for lent.  It had to be something we truly loved and never homework or brussels sprouts.  Inevitably, my mom and I would always give up chocolate.  But as I got older and started learning about our Armenian Orthodox faith, I started following the dietary restrictions for this period.  A full vegan diet for 40 days.  The first few years were tough, but now, we're so used to it, that's it's a welcome change for us as we bring our diets down to the basics in the idea of simplifying our lives.  

But it's not only about what we're taking into our bodies that we need to focus on, but also a look inward.  I'll never forget a lesson I learned from one of my friends at church.  This was about 6 or 7 years ago.  We had just come out of church and were standing outside chatting.  I don't remember what the conversation was about, but I turned to my friend and I started, "I shouldn't say this but..." and before I could say another word, he stopped me and said, "Then don't!"  I always remember that.    Yes, I was embarrassed for myself, but my friend was acting out of love...and he was so right.  We had just left church.  We had just taken the body and blood of Christ within us.  So his "Then don't" admonition really struck a cord and I think of that day and his words often.  And it's saved me on many occasions from gossiping.

That year, besides our vegan dietary restrictions, I also gave up gossiping for lent.  Not only not gossiping, but refusing to be part of the listening end as well.  That's the tough one.  But I learned something too.  I learned that if I couldn't speak or listen to the bad comments about someone, that without the fueling by words of the negativity about that person, their shortcomings soon fizzled out and were forgotten.  Isn’t that what we ask for ourselves? To be forgiven…for our misdeeds or wrongs to be forgotten?  Once you remove that factor, you realize that we are all the same inside...with insecurities, and good days and bad. It's the very negativity of gossip that fuels that hatred and ill-will, and makes us unable to forgive or live up to our full potentials as Children of God.  So my gossip restriction is something that I try to do year-round, but during lent, I am able to give it more focus.

But it doesn’t need to be about that either.  But more of an introspection on ourselves.  What can we improve about ourselves?  Maybe it’s having a little more patience with an elderly person in your life.  Maybe it’s changing your attitude at work.  Or a conscious effort to see the good in small things.  How about spending quality time with God and setting aside a daily prayer time?  Or taking a Facebook break and spending that time with your family or helping someone in need.  The possibilities are endless.

As we start our personal Lenten journeys, whatever they may be, let’s ask God for strength to show us how He sees us…and to work on those things that we fall short of.  We are works in progress.  Let’s embrace this Lenten period as a time of much needed renewal – body, mind and spirit.

Oh!  I almost forgot!!  :  If you're working on getting healthy (losing weight, exercising, etc.), follow my new blog:  the Journey of The Pudgy Pomegranate.  Let's do this together! 

Truly!  I looked up "gossip" images on Google, and look what I found!