A Look Inside: What's Hair Got to Do with It?

II'll let you in on something personal.  Ready?  I struggle with my appearance.  And I have struggled with it my whole life.  As a kid, a teen, a young woman, a mom...and even now.  And this past week it really got the best of me, and I'm not too happy with myself.  So I thought I'd go public and tell you about it. The truth about me is that I'm never happy with my appearance and myself.  Can you relate?

My insecurity is something I am trying to work on, and I've been really giving it a lot of thought.  Last week I wrote about how "those who get me, get me; and those who don't, don't."  But I am feeling somewhat hypocritical this week, because somedays, "I" don't get me. In my head, I know that I'm being super critical and frankly...stupid.

So here's what happened.  After about a year of trying to grow out my hair, I decided on Saturday that I was ready for a change, and that I would cut my hair short.  If you know me, you know that these kinds of life-altering decisions are always done spur of the moment and without planning.   So off I went to my friend's salon....showed her a photo of what I was thinking would work with my hair.  She agreed, and the next thing you knew, I was sitting in the chair...and my hair was laying in piles on the floor.   And as the hair on my head dried and started curling up, I realized that it was waayyyy shorter than I was hoping it would be.  And that's when the big freak out started happening.  I started feeling like an old lady.  I'm not talking about our medz mairigs who twisted their long hair into buns at the nape of their necks and secured them with hair pins. I'm talking about the ones that cut their hair short because it's "easier to take care of".  The helmut heads.  With the purple cotton candy hair.

Okay, the truth of the matter is that I DID get it cut so it would be easier to deal with. Does this make me old?  (Yes?!..Say it ain't so!  Okay not quite old but getting there....but slowly)  But once it was cut and on the floor, it sunk in.  There's nothing  I can do when my hair is "too short" except wait for it to grow out.  And I can mope.  And obsess.  And worry, and overthink! It all  kind of hit me on Sunday morning when I was getting ready for church.  Just out of the shower, I had to deal with my new do and learn what to do with it (which is actually ...nothing because it does it's own thing now)  I actually started dreading going to church because I didn't want to deal with people's reactions and comments. And their stares.  And this bothered me because I love going to our church.

During the reading of the confession, it all fit together.  It's not only about self-esteem issues with me. There other issues that go hand in hand withthe self esteem. 

Pride.....

             Envy......
                          Vanity,  and

                                         Selfishness to name a few.

Pride, envy and vanity go together and are pretty obvious in this case. But what about Selfishness...I don't think of myself as a selfish person...at least I hope I'm not.  Yet think about it this way.  Doesn't it seem silly to think that people have nothing better to do than to care about how my hair looks?  It does, right?  Looking at it in this way, it totally does.   The idea that someone else would or SHOULD care about something so trivial makes me seem that I've put myself in a position where people should care, right? Like I've elevated myself to something important, That's selfish and self-absorbed right?  Sheesh!

Is being introspective and critical about myself yet another way to bash myself further?  :)  I mean here I am trying to be tolerant of those around me, yet how tolerant am I of myself?  I love others.  Do I love myself enough to accept me as I am  -- as a creation of God?

Here's the truth: In reality I am blessed with wonderful family and friends that love me.  If my hair were long, buzzed, blue (and it has been that!) they would STILL love me. They loved me then, and they love me now.  And of course God loves me   So it's time to put the negativity aside and accept myself - as I am.  There's always room to work on change...and that's good.  But not when those negative feeling start making you less than you are meant to be. 

So what do you think?  And I know you're out there! Can any of you relate?  Do you have similar issues that you're dealing with or have already dealt with?  I'd love to hear from you!   In the meantime, let's go easy on ourselves...and have a pomegranate day - filled with hope, and ripe with possibilities. 

June 7, 2013 -  as a post script nearly a week after, I'd like to say that I LOVE my new haircut.  I've gotten used to it and love that I don't have to deal with it.  ; )   And it's not about being old, it's about not having the time to spend on it.  So it's perfect for me!
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If you'd like to hear an audio version of this podcast, tune in to today's episode of "The Next Step with Fr. Vazken" on epostle.net