In Control; Under Control; Out of Control; No Control (Audio)

ITP #26: Have you chosen your one word to work on this year? Or has that one word chosen you? On episode 26, Anush shares what she'll be working on for 2014...and a lifetime.
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In Control; Under Control; Out of Control; No Control

Our make-shift lantern:
votif candle and ball jar

Cristos Dzunav Yev Hydnetzav!  Tzezee/Mezee medz avedis!! It's super super early on January 6 morning, and I woke up early to be the first to wish you a very blessed Theophany and Christmas and to greet you with the good news that Christ is born and revealed!   It's early Monday morning and in just a little bit we'll  be heading off to church for Badarak and Water Blessing.  We were at church last night for Christmas Eve service and I don't know what it was, but there was a JOY there. We left there happy carrying our lit candles in jars and lanterns and carried the light of Christ  and that joy back to our homes..

No, I didn't mock up this pic.  This is really
a section of the bigger picture of
chaos on my work table

Last week I wrote about that One Little Word.  The word that is going to be the word to work on for the year.  Did you give it any thought?  Did you pick one to work on?  I thought about mine. There were all kinds of possibilities.  I was thinking of the word - ORGANIZE - because I am sorely in need of some organizing - let me tell you.  If you have ever seen my
work table at home where I do my beading...it's mass chaos..and it's ALWAYS like that.  I get so excited about working, that I don't put the beads away and move on to the next project,  and then I'm left with a massive "bead soup" not to mention the wires, pliers, tools...you get the idea.  But I didn't want to base the whole year on that...so I thought about other words.

Then I thought about the word - CREATE!  Now that's a really good one.  I love to create.  And I'm happiest when I'm creating.  Beading, cooking, drawing, crocheting, painting.  I thought if I chose the word Create that would keep that in the forefront.  But that almost seemed too easy since I've always got several projects in the works.

And so then, during my morning prayer, I found my word.  And it's a word that I don't normally use.  It's not even something I like to do, but I'm guessing that's why it came to me.  The word is SURRENDER.   SURRENDER.  It's a weird one, right?  Well, let me tell you how I got to it.

I have been doing a lot of introspection lately.  I think all of us do at the start of the new year.  We start thinking of our lives moving by, and although I don't really believe in setting those resolutions, I tend to always be working on improving.  Given my past medical history, I do feel that my health is something I need to manage, and so I work on a holistic approach for body, mind, and spirit.

Well, lately, I have been trying to figure things out  about myself and my need to control.  Yep, that's me.  Sometimes I can be a control freak!  It's not something obvious, like me exerting my will on others.  It's more subtle than that.  When I say control, it's more of the need for me have everything in place.  And then want everything to go just so.  And there's the accompanying stress that goes with it.  And the unraveling (of myself) when it doesn't happen the way I have planned.  Now this is really funny to me because I like to think that I'm a "go with the flow" type of person...but in thinking about it, sometimes - not all the time, mind you, but sometimes - I'm guilty of only going with the flow when the flow is flowing my way.  

So I've been thinking about that, and working on it.  I mean, I  pray "Thy will be done" but then turn around and push my agenda to "MY will be done."  And I don't think I'm alone on this one, right?  I mean, if I'm truly committed to putting God's will ahead of mine, then am I picking up on the clues that God gives me when things don't fall into place the way that I want them to?  Most of the time, I don't get that little signal - that subtle nudge - that maybe there's a reason why I won't get my way on things rather than pushing the envelope until I do.  And then other times, I TOTALLY get the subtle nudge and still, I do what I want!

So here's what dictionary.com defines the word as:

sur·ren·der

  [suh-ren-der]

verb (used with object)

1.

to yield (something) to the  power of another

2.

to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).

3.

to yield or resign (for example an office or position) in favor of another.

When we think of this word, we usually think of it as a weakness right?  You picture Dorothy and Toto in the Wizard of Oz being chased by the Wicked Witch when you see the witch flying her broom in the sky and spelling out SURRENDER DOROTHY!  Or we think of the white flag in old war films where one army surrenders to the other.  It's generally the weak that surrender to the more powerful, right?

Well, that's just it!  Is there anything more powerful than God?  And now taking that one step further, since we believe that God is Love....is there anything more powerful than Love?  I'm okay with being the little guy on this one, y'know?  I'm okay with admitting that I am not as strong or as powerful.  But my will is strong. And sometimes I think I know what's best rather than listening -  or feeling -  that God has a better idea.

My hope is that by  choosing this word - SURRENDER -it will help me put God's will into perspective.  I'm hoping so.  I want to be more mindful - or more connected - to God and what He has in store for me. If I give up my control and just surrender my will to God, He has already told us that he will take care of things for us, right?  So my hope is that by being mindful of this one little word, that I will be opening new doors to a more God-centered life.

Oh and wait, there's another component of this too.  Because I'm going to try to surrender my will, that is also going to mean that I can't impose my will on others.  (See, I told you I can be a control freak).  I'm older now, my children are grown so I don't have young kids to parent.  So part of surrendering is going to be about handling myself to the best of my ability, and allowing others to also do the same for themselves.  No instilling guilt (seriously this can be a big one).  No offering advice unless I'm asked.  Just allow everyone to take care of themselves (unless of course they ask for help).

The more I think about it, the harder this one sounds!  But I'm going to work on it!  Surrender to God, Surrender to Love.  Act only out of love and kindness!  It sounds pretty good to me and I have to say, that so far, so good.  I have been thinking about this and trying to act on it for the past 5 days and so far, and it's going well, so we'll see.  I only have another 360 days (and a lifetime) to go!

And so what about you?  Did you choose your word for the year?  I would love to hear from you and let me know what it is.  You can leave a comment here or email me at anushnoor@gmail.com

I hope you have a very blessed Christmas and a beautiful year ahead.
Cristos Dzunav Yev Hydnetzav! Ortnyal e Hydnootyunun Cristosi!
Christ is Born and Revealed!  Blessed is the Revelation of Christ!

Controlling My Inner Martha

Painting by Dr. He Qi       www.heqigallery.com

On our drive home from church on Sunday afternoons, my mom and I usually like to discuss the day's sermon.  This Sunday, being the Sunday of Expulsion  we were talking about obedience to God, the shortcomings of humanity, and then, out of the blue, my mom says, "You know...there's one Bible story that I just don't like!  It's the story of the two sisters, Mary and Martha."  So I asked her what it was that didn't sit right with her.  So she told  me the story:  Jesus was good friends with Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha.  The story goes that Jesus was invited to dinner, and Martha tended to all the house prep, cooking and cleaning and serving her guest, while Mary sat at Christ's feet and listened to His teachings.  When Martha had had just about enough of being the only one working, she asks Jesus if it's right that Mary is just kicking back while she's slaving away over a hot stove, and Jesus gives Martha a kind little reprimand saying that her sister has the right idea.  Okay, this is the simplified "mom" version...but it's on the money.  And mom continued, "I don't like it because Martha is working so hard.  I'm like Martha.  If Jesus were coming to my home, of course I would want the BEST that I have to offer for Him.  I would want to put out the best food, and make sure my house was clean.  I'd want to make sure that he was offered food and drink.  And I'd want him to feel at home.  So poor Martha is doing all of this and her sister is just sitting there!  Of course Martha would be upset.  I would be upset too.  That's why I don't get this story.  Didn't Jesus see that Martha was doing all of that for Him?  Why did Jesus take sides with Mary?"

We did talk about the obvious answer...that Christ wants us to listen to Him, to spend time with Him.  The rest of the hoopla is not important. But we arrived home, and then  there was lunch to fix, so the discussion got cut short.  But I have been thinking about this for two days now and came to the conclusion that there were two issues at hand.

The first is  "Priorities".  It's not so much that Mary was spending time with Christ - that's a given.  But it's more about the fact that Mary put Christ first above everything else.  Mary understood that once Jesus came to their home, she would put aside everything else and make Christ her priority because nothing else could be as important as being "present" in Christ..  I mean, when would she ever have that opportunity again?  And because of that, would she want to sit and absorb everything she could about Him? or would she want to be dishing up pilav in the kitchen?  On the other hand, that part is important too.   It's just not AS important.  So I was thinking of these priorities during my morning prayer.  I like to pray first thing in the morning, at about 5:00 a.m.  I love this special time alone in the morning, and my intention is good - to set aside quality time with God - BUT my life is hectic.  Inevitably during my prayer time, as I'm trying to purge my mind and focus on prayer, the Martha in me makes an appearance and allows my day-to-day to creep in.  Then Mary corrals my thoughts back to prayer. Then Martha reminds me of all I have to do, then Mary takes the reins, well, you get the idea.  I'm going to have to work on that.  Focus and prioritization!

And then the second fault of Martha was that she allowed what started off as her JOY - to offer her hospitality to Christ - to become a negative.  Her goal was to do something wonderful to show her love for Jesus.  But she allowed anger, resentment, and jealousy toward her sister to creep in.  She was probably feeling like she wanted Jesus' praise for all the trouble she was going through for Him.  Instead Mary was the shining star of the day.  I can totally understand how she felt.  And the Bible doesn't mention how Martha's comments probably hurt Mary and caused her embarrassment .  Negativity breeds negativity.   Sometimes, it's the very thing that we're most passionate about that can frustrate us the most.  Only because we have a vision of how we want things to be.  And there's a healthy dose of pride - okay, an unhealthy dose -  attached as well as we embark on the path to making things "just so."  But we are not perfect.  It's better to let things go that we are not in control of.  We can't control what someone else does.  We can't control the Mary.  Mary is just fine the way she is.  All we can do, is control the Martha.  Try our best to do our best, but in all things to act out of extreme love.

During this Lenten season, I'm going to try to control my inner Martha, and set my priorities on living a Christ-centered life more like Mary.  With only four weeks to go, I have my work cut out for me.

About Sharing...

I've been  off work for two weeks now.  Being that I'm not a big TV watcher, this gives me a lot of time to think.  I've been thinking a lot lately about cancer, illness, the beauty of prayer and friendship, blogging, going public, and sharing.  It was really a big decision for me to "go public" with my breast cancer, putting it up here on the blog page.  But I'm really glad that I did it.  It's really been helping me to write down my emotions, thoughts, even just my day to day here on these pages and sharing them. 

I'm usually a pretty private person.  I share, but I share with those that I am super close with:  my family and perhaps one or two close friends.  In the beginning I didn't want to share with everyone, because I was afraid of negativity, suggestions, and the worst part - having to discuss the same thing over and over with various people.  But the reaction I've gotten to going public has been so opposite what I thought:   have gotten only positive feedback.  I've have received encouragement and prayers from readers, and because people are informed of the day-to-day online, my fear of having to repeat the gorey details over and over just hasn't come to fruitition.

Cancer is scary.  As much positivity as you may have, and as much faith as you may have, there is still the reality that you are not in control.  Having faith means that you don't let the fear control you; but it still doesn't mean that you have control of the illness.  And that's difficult....especially for someone who likes to be in control, like me. 

Sharing all this has been helping me.  Telling people has been good.  Sharing.  It's not just sharing on a happy level.  It's sharing on all levels:  sad, discouraged, frightened, joyful, hopeful.  I'm normally a pretty "up" person.  But I do have my days (as you all know).  Sharing lets everyone in on those days too...something that I wouldn't normally share, but something that is definitely part of me as well.  And this is good.  It's good for me to see that  I can share this part of me, and still have people around that encourage me and cheer me on. 

So I thank you all....for letting me share.  For your encouragement, your prayers, your comments (which I love).  Thank you for helping me through all this.  And for sharing my sharing with others.