Walking By Heart With God

When I was young, whenever we were supposed to learn something totally and completely, backwards and forwards, inside and out, my teachers would say we'd have to learn it "by heart".  An interesting way of thinking, don't you think?  Why not learn it by mind?  by head? or by brain?  I mean that's where the thought processes are, right?  But "by heart" meant more than just learning it like a robot...it meant embracing it, learning it with every beat of your heart, and feeling it coursing through your veins.  Okay, I'm being a little dramatic here.  We don't ever think about it this way when we're little, but you get what I'm saying.  In a nutshell, do your homework, really learn it, and be ready when you're asked a question about it.

I remember learning many things "by heart": the Pledge of Allegiance, the Lord's Prayer in English, the Preamble of the Constitution, and later all the verses of Miss American Pie.

Growing up, we always prayed as a family at mealtime, and mom would tuck us in at night and say our prayers with us, and those were always learned prayers as well, except for the add-ins of people we would pray for, but in general, we would recite the Lord's Prayer in Armenian and later on the 15th prayer of I Confess with Faith - Bahaban Amenaynee or O Christ, Guardian of all.

As we grow up, we learn about prayer and talking to God not by heart, but  FROM the heart.  And this is how I spend my morning prayer time with God, in conversation.  Mostly listening to myself and trying to hear Him or feel God's presence. And this morning, not having anything to write about today in mind, I asked for guidance on what I could share with you.  And then I left for work.

I have made a habit of praying by heart when I am alone.When I was going through radiation therapy, I would recite the 23rd Psalm.  I had my rhythm timed just right so that when the machine started, I would start, "The Lord Is My Shepherd."  I would go nice and slow, and just when I would end with ..."and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever," the machine would click off.   I found this very comforting at a very scary and uncertain time in my life.  But I digress....

So I left the house this morning for work, and on my 6 block walk to the bus stop (in the DARK because of the new time change), I was praying the 24 "I Confess with Faith" prayers, and I got to prayer #9 and there it was again...the thinking with the heart thing.  Here it is:

"All Provident Lord, place your holy fear as a guard before my eyes that I may not look lustfully; before my ears that they may not delight in hearing evil words; before my mouth that it may not speak falsehoods; before my HEART that it may not THINK evil; before my hands that they may not do injustice; before my feet that they may not walk in the paths of injustice, but so direct them that they may always be according to your commandments.  Have mercy on all your creation and on me a great sinner."

And so there it was...you get what you pray for.  I asked for something to write about, and here it is.  And it made perfect sense.  To think with one's heart. Whether we act in joy or anger, the emotion comes from the heart.  The brain controls the physical functions of our bodies, but it's the heart that controls our actions.  Whether we choose to love or hate, fear or embrace, it's all tied in with the love we receive, the hurt we felt, the disappointment, the happiness, the joy and the sorrow...and it's the heart that controls all of that.

For me, there is a place for both - by heart, and from the heart - prayer.  The prayers that I have learned over the years are not a substitute for the conversations that I share with God in the early morning hours, throughout the day and late at night.  They have been a companion to me in the worst of times, and also in the best of days.   But they are a constant comfort, and they accompany the beat of my heart, and the rhythm of my footsteps as I walk everyday, by heart, with God.

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To hear the audio version of this as well as other blog entries, tune into The Next Step with Father Vazken a weekly podcast about Armenian Orthodoxy and applied Christianity  at www.epostle.net

The Walk of Hope

We walked this weekend.  And walked, and walked and walked some more.  Went to bed  in our sleeping bags stiff and sore, and got up and walked again...until we walked a total of 39.3 miles! We walked because we couldn't not walk.  We walked for those who couldn't walk.  We walked for those who are battling cancer now, those who are survivors.  And we walked in memory of those who have lost the battle.  We walked for the poor...those who can't afford health care and mammograms. And together, we raised $4.6 million.

It was emotional.  And empowering.  Just 4 months ago, I was diagnosed for a second time, with breast cancer.  18 years ago, when I received the first diagnosis, I thought someone had pulled the rug out from under me.  I was 34, a mother of two. This time around, I knew I would make it.  Sure, there's the initial fear, but I am so much stronger now.   Back then, life was so uncertain.  Now, I know that life IS uncertain and things can change from day to day.  Life is fragile.  But we deal with it.  There are no guarantees.  So we walk when we can.  We try to make the difference.  And we try to be the change that we want to see in the world.

This was a milestone year.  Colon cancer, breast cancer, Ani's graduation from nursing school.  We had to walk.  It was a celebration of life.  Of being alive, of being WELL.  Not only physically, but mentally.  We made it through.  All of us.  Together.  Holding each other up.  One day at a time.

The idea of the walk is to take your time.  To learn the stories of those around you.  To take it all in.  Every walker has their style.  Along the walk, you meet all kinds of walkers.  Those that like to cheer.  Those that need to talk every step of the way.  The singers.  Those that follow their group.  There are those that need to be noticed, with outrageous costumes, and crazy wigs.  And there are those that like to walk alone.  Meditative and quiet.  Ani and I are quiet walkers.  We talk a bit, when there's something to talk about.  We point out beauty around us - a pretty door, a beautiful flower, a perfect spider web.  But we are just content to walk side by side in quiet.  I love this.

We were a sea of pink.  Some 1,800 of us.  Mostly women, but men as well.  All walking to make a difference.   To fill a void, to remember a mom or a sister, a wife.  We walked near a man who was walking for his wife....she was a 10 year survivor.  She had walked as much as she could that day and took the shuttle back to the wellness village.  But he kept walking.  For her.  We walked with a woman named Phyllis for a while.  She told me she was walking, "slow and steady...at my own pace."  I didn't want to invade her space, but then she opened up.  "Y'know...in the South, during civil rights times, we would have to walk.  We didn't have cars...we'd walk everywhere.  It makes me remember."  The walking connects us.  We are all walking as one.  A pink sign reads, "None of us are as powerful as ALL of us."  We are powerful.  A sea of pink.

At the Finish Line - 39.3 miles

There are hours that go by.  That first day, we walked for 10 hours.    I prayed while I walked. I was thankful for the day, for being well enough. Thankful for my family, my support system.  Thankful for medical care.  And thankful for those who walked in my shoes before I ever got diagnosed all those years back.  For those that funded the research so that I can walk today.  Yes, it was hard.  After walking all those miles, you start to hurt.  You know you have blisters, but you also know that if you take off your shoes, you'll never get them back on.  So you walk through it.  And pray.   One foot in front of the other.  And you remember.  Like Phyllis, remembering the days of the past.    I remembered my grandparents who were marched through the desert during the genocide and I called on their strength.  I had a choice.  They didn't.  I could stop, but I didn't.  We choose to walk.  Because we can. Because we CAN'T  not walk.  It's the walk of Hope.

The Good, the Bad and the Achey

It's Memorial Weekend.  And it's been a few days since I blogged.  Life has been fast and slow.  There are times when I feel "normal" again, walking, creating, working on various projects.  And then there are times that I just don't want to do anything:  I don't want to talk, I don't want to get dressed even. 

My abdominal incision is feeling a lot better, but there are times when I am so sore under my arm, on the new breast, across the middle where they tunneled.  The good thing is that this usually happens at the end of the day, when my body gets tired and yells out , "Enough already!  Take it easy, wouldja??" 

Yesterday, I spent most of the day with my brother and sister-in-law Susan.  I had a great day.  We went out walking, smelling the pine and jasmine in their neighborhood,  checking out the pets at the pet store.  I got to see my two handsome nephews (the third handsome nephew was in school), and it was just a very relaxed time with family.  We are so close, but life is so busy.  We don't often get to just spend time together -- where it's not a birthday or holiday, but just quality time.  It was really special.

Back at home, I worked on my new silver pomegranate necklaces and new fundraiser bracelets.  I got them photographed, cropped, ready to list.  And Ani came home.  She asked if we'd like to go see a movie.  The new Woody Allen film, Midnight in Paris, was showing in Burbank.  I thought I'd give it a try.  It was  a great film, but still too soon for me to be sitting in one position for two hours.  I kept getting shooting pains throughout the film....again, reminders from my body that I had just done a little too much today.  :::sigh:::

So here we are, Memorial weekend Saturday.  I listed my new jewelry on Etsy.  It's one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm still in my jammies.  Taking it easy today.  I do need to get out a little, but not for long.  I'm saving my energy for tomorrow.  I'm hoping to make it to church tomorrow....my first Sunday back.

Two Miles

Good Morning!
We're just back from our morning walk.  I was able to walk two miles this morning.  It helped that Ani came along with me...which always makes it more fun.

It's a good day.  First of all, the thing that's "milestone" about today is I got to wear a bra!!!  Sorry guys, I know this is not something that's important to blog about, but let me tell you, after surgery, this is a big deal.  Those of you reading who have been through reconstruction, breast cancer, mastectomy, etc., you know what I'm talking about it.  So the doctor gave me the okay for three weeks out...and I'm here!  Another milestone!

So anyways...back to the walk this morning.  I'm amazed at how strong I am.  Truly.  I mean, just three weeks ago, I had my surgery.  I'm still sore, yes, but I walked two miles this morning and I am pretty sure that I could go further.  I know, I know...don't push it.  But I don't feel like it's tiring or straining.  It actually makes me feel better (mentally/emotionally).  And it's great to see that life is going on out there, outside of my drama, y'know?

Here are some of this morning's sites:

Now this was really random.  We were walking down a side street and came across this chalk outline.  Some one has a leg of lamb for an arm!!





And then there's the beauty of the flowers are are all around the neighborhood....

 

Yesterday was good.  Getting out and walking made a huge difference in the productivity of my day.  After the walk, I got in, made a pot of coffee, and decided to work in silver.  I got quite a bit done...the silver clay is dry now, and today I'm going to set out to sand and shape the pieces I created.  Here's what it all looks like at this stage.  

You can see that some are smooth and some are textured.  I'm going to do a resist technique on the smooth pomegranates.  The textured pomegranates will have "seeds" hanging from them on the bottom.  I'm going to dry doing a cold connection with those, drilling the holes in after firing with a tool that Ani bought me for Christmas.  The loopy things are the bales that I'll attach to the back to hold the chain.  This is what fine silver clay looks like in its unfired state.  So today I'll sand, shape, do the resist, attach the bails, and maybe later on tonight I'll fire them.

I also got more pink ribbon beads in the mail yesterday.  So I'll be creating more of my pink ribbon fundraiser bracelets.  Check them out at http://www.pomegranateandeye.etsy.com/

Here's today's thought:

It is impossible to win the race unless you venture to run, impossible to win the victory unless you dare to battle.Richard M. DeVos