It's Memorial Weekend. And it's been a few days since I blogged. Life has been fast and slow. There are times when I feel "normal" again, walking, creating, working on various projects. And then there are times that I just don't want to do anything: I don't want to talk, I don't want to get dressed even.
My abdominal incision is feeling a lot better, but there are times when I am so sore under my arm, on the new breast, across the middle where they tunneled. The good thing is that this usually happens at the end of the day, when my body gets tired and yells out , "Enough already! Take it easy, wouldja??"
Yesterday, I spent most of the day with my brother and sister-in-law Susan. I had a great day. We went out walking, smelling the pine and jasmine in their neighborhood, checking out the pets at the pet store. I got to see my two handsome nephews (the third handsome nephew was in school), and it was just a very relaxed time with family. We are so close, but life is so busy. We don't often get to just spend time together -- where it's not a birthday or holiday, but just quality time. It was really special.
Back at home, I worked on my new silver pomegranate necklaces and new fundraiser bracelets. I got them photographed, cropped, ready to list. And Ani came home. She asked if we'd like to go see a movie. The new Woody Allen film, Midnight in Paris, was showing in Burbank. I thought I'd give it a try. It was a great film, but still too soon for me to be sitting in one position for two hours. I kept getting shooting pains throughout the film....again, reminders from my body that I had just done a little too much today. :::sigh:::
So here we are, Memorial weekend Saturday. I listed my new jewelry on Etsy. It's one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm still in my jammies. Taking it easy today. I do need to get out a little, but not for long. I'm saving my energy for tomorrow. I'm hoping to make it to church tomorrow....my first Sunday back.
Showing posts with label surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surgery. Show all posts
28 May 2011
21 May 2011
What I've Learned from Cancer
Since I've been blogging about my cancer, I've received comments and emails from people commending me for my "positive" attitude. I've been helping another friend through this terrible disease, and that has gotten me thinking about attitude, my feelings about cancer, and coping. I wanted to share because it hasn't all been positive...at least I haven't been.
Cancer is not fun. In fact, it's downright scary. My first time around with breast cancer, I was 34 with two young children. I was NOT positive at all. In fact, when the surgeon told me that he recommended a double mastectomy, I was ready to say yes. I was not proactive at all. Moreso, I was one that just accepted her fate. My mom suggested a second opinion. I remember telling her no. "Mom, I have cancer! They want to do a double mastectomy. I've set the surgery date. I need to do this and get it over with." I was terrified, depressed, and all I could think about was living through it to be able to raise my children. My mom was the voice of reason. The woman of faith that she is, she suggested that I seek a second, if not a third, opinion. In fact, she threatened that she would be dragging me in my pj's if I didn't get up and get dressed, but we were going, and that was that. And I did. It was because of her that I didn't have to have a double mastectomy at 34. I had a lumpectomy and radiation thereapy, and was able to keep my breasts for another 18 years. That's what I needed at that time. Someone to take me by the hand - drag me if necessary - and tell me what to do!
After cancer, after the therapy, I had that invincible high. I joined the ranks of "survivors" I was able to raise my children. Life was good. And I learned a lot from my experience. And I came to the realization that there was a lesson to be learned from everything in life. There is a quote from Mother Teresa that I found recently: "I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle, I just wish He didn't trust me this much." This ties in with the lesson thing. I don't think God gives us stuff like cancer to "handle", but I do know that He trusts us with getting through it so that we can learn from it...and carry the message of hope to others. So after the cancer, I became adamant about reaching out to others with cancer, doing the breast cancer walks, helping others going through it because I've been "entrusted" with the recovery and making it through....now we carry the message forward.
I also learned a lesson in priorities. I have always thrived on chaos. My life is always "full" of too many things. But what cancer showed me back then was I needed to slow down. God had given me the gift of life and an opportunity to raise my children, and spend my days with family and friends. It was a gift and something that I needed to cherish every day. This thinking has stayed with me for the past 18 years. I still say "yes" to far too many things...that is just my nature, but each day is a blessing, and my family needs to always come first.
So that was then. This time, Round Two with breast cancer, I was better prepared. There was no fear of the unknown. Sure, I didn't know what a mastectomy/reconstruction would be about, but I had fought the battle once before - twice if you count the colon cancer, so it was more of a call to get on my armor and fight! Here's how I saw it this time:
Given: I want to live. I want to survive. I want to see Ani's graduation, her wedding....and someday, son Nareg's wedding (someday), my nephews and niece's graduations, celebrations. I want to see my children be happy, have families of their own. Okay, I knew this much. I am a woman of faith and given this, I know I am in good hands. God has NEVER left me alone...not through round one of breast cancer, not through colon cancer, not through my divorce. Those were major things. But He has also never left me alone through my day-to-day ordinary life: my jobs, my life, my financial troubles, etc. So why should I think that he would EVER leave me alone now, in my time of need? That wouldn't make sense, right? Right!
So, knowing that, I just gave it all up to God. It made absolutely no sense for me to worry about my surgery. There's nothing I would be able to do about that part. I would just have to resign myself to know that I was in the capable hands of my surgeons, guided by God. What I COULD do is start focusing on the healing. I could visualize wellness, picturing myself getting a little stronger, a little healthier every day. I could put it in my head that I WOULD make it to Ani's graduation...and I currently visualize myself there, being present and well. I can visualize myself as healthy, walking miles in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in September. The mind is an amazing thing. With the help of Christ, the healer of all, we have the power to be well!
And finally, I've learned to think of my cancer as a positive rather than a negative. Since Round One really opened my eyes in respect to my priorities and my faith, I am viewing this as a positive. What lesson is there to be learned? Is it a call to slow down? A call to take better care of myself? To spend more time doing what I truly love? Or is it a reminder of how precious family and friends are? How we are all interconnected in one another's lives....and how much we are loved. Yes to all! It's a wake-up call!
To all of us who have lived with cancer, or who are fighting the fight right now: Have faith. Believe. Trust. Learn. And then put on your armor and FIGHT!!!
Cancer is not fun. In fact, it's downright scary. My first time around with breast cancer, I was 34 with two young children. I was NOT positive at all. In fact, when the surgeon told me that he recommended a double mastectomy, I was ready to say yes. I was not proactive at all. Moreso, I was one that just accepted her fate. My mom suggested a second opinion. I remember telling her no. "Mom, I have cancer! They want to do a double mastectomy. I've set the surgery date. I need to do this and get it over with." I was terrified, depressed, and all I could think about was living through it to be able to raise my children. My mom was the voice of reason. The woman of faith that she is, she suggested that I seek a second, if not a third, opinion. In fact, she threatened that she would be dragging me in my pj's if I didn't get up and get dressed, but we were going, and that was that. And I did. It was because of her that I didn't have to have a double mastectomy at 34. I had a lumpectomy and radiation thereapy, and was able to keep my breasts for another 18 years. That's what I needed at that time. Someone to take me by the hand - drag me if necessary - and tell me what to do!
After cancer, after the therapy, I had that invincible high. I joined the ranks of "survivors" I was able to raise my children. Life was good. And I learned a lot from my experience. And I came to the realization that there was a lesson to be learned from everything in life. There is a quote from Mother Teresa that I found recently: "I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle, I just wish He didn't trust me this much." This ties in with the lesson thing. I don't think God gives us stuff like cancer to "handle", but I do know that He trusts us with getting through it so that we can learn from it...and carry the message of hope to others. So after the cancer, I became adamant about reaching out to others with cancer, doing the breast cancer walks, helping others going through it because I've been "entrusted" with the recovery and making it through....now we carry the message forward.
I also learned a lesson in priorities. I have always thrived on chaos. My life is always "full" of too many things. But what cancer showed me back then was I needed to slow down. God had given me the gift of life and an opportunity to raise my children, and spend my days with family and friends. It was a gift and something that I needed to cherish every day. This thinking has stayed with me for the past 18 years. I still say "yes" to far too many things...that is just my nature, but each day is a blessing, and my family needs to always come first.
So that was then. This time, Round Two with breast cancer, I was better prepared. There was no fear of the unknown. Sure, I didn't know what a mastectomy/reconstruction would be about, but I had fought the battle once before - twice if you count the colon cancer, so it was more of a call to get on my armor and fight! Here's how I saw it this time:
Given: I want to live. I want to survive. I want to see Ani's graduation, her wedding....and someday, son Nareg's wedding (someday), my nephews and niece's graduations, celebrations. I want to see my children be happy, have families of their own. Okay, I knew this much. I am a woman of faith and given this, I know I am in good hands. God has NEVER left me alone...not through round one of breast cancer, not through colon cancer, not through my divorce. Those were major things. But He has also never left me alone through my day-to-day ordinary life: my jobs, my life, my financial troubles, etc. So why should I think that he would EVER leave me alone now, in my time of need? That wouldn't make sense, right? Right!
So, knowing that, I just gave it all up to God. It made absolutely no sense for me to worry about my surgery. There's nothing I would be able to do about that part. I would just have to resign myself to know that I was in the capable hands of my surgeons, guided by God. What I COULD do is start focusing on the healing. I could visualize wellness, picturing myself getting a little stronger, a little healthier every day. I could put it in my head that I WOULD make it to Ani's graduation...and I currently visualize myself there, being present and well. I can visualize myself as healthy, walking miles in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in September. The mind is an amazing thing. With the help of Christ, the healer of all, we have the power to be well!
And finally, I've learned to think of my cancer as a positive rather than a negative. Since Round One really opened my eyes in respect to my priorities and my faith, I am viewing this as a positive. What lesson is there to be learned? Is it a call to slow down? A call to take better care of myself? To spend more time doing what I truly love? Or is it a reminder of how precious family and friends are? How we are all interconnected in one another's lives....and how much we are loved. Yes to all! It's a wake-up call!
To all of us who have lived with cancer, or who are fighting the fight right now: Have faith. Believe. Trust. Learn. And then put on your armor and FIGHT!!!
08 May 2011
Happy Mother's Day: It Hurts When I Laugh
It's Mother's Day today, and it's coming to a close. It was a wonderful day, but different. I missed going to church with my family. And I missed being all together with my mom, sister, brother and their families. But it was a nice day, just different.
The plan was that Nareg would bring over Thai food and that Ani would make dessert..and we'd sit on the couch, vege and watch Harry Potter. That's what we did. The food was great, the dessert was beautiful (and yummy) and the movie was suspenseful.
Throughout the day, while talking to the family, or on the phone with my brother, I caught myself saying "don't make me laugh....it hurts to laugh." Holding my gut, I'd lean over and brace myself. But the response was always, "YOU'RE the one telling the joke...you're doing it to yourself." It made me realize that it really was me. That despite the major surgery, this terrible disease and all that goes with it, life was still funny, and good...and being with my family was really the best possible medicine ever.
It was a good day. A really nice fun day. I missed my mom who was at my brother & sister in law's house. And she missed being with us as well. But there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow is also Mother's day, and the next day, and the next day! She's coming over tomorrow. I'm so blessed. Happy Mother's day to all the mom's out there -- especially the Best Mom...My Mom -- who has taught me so much about love, faith, hope, parenting, prayer and compassion.
To my wonderful children, Thank You, for blessing me with being your mom. I love you both so much. Thank you for a great day...and for the laughter and smiles.
The plan was that Nareg would bring over Thai food and that Ani would make dessert..and we'd sit on the couch, vege and watch Harry Potter. That's what we did. The food was great, the dessert was beautiful (and yummy) and the movie was suspenseful.
Throughout the day, while talking to the family, or on the phone with my brother, I caught myself saying "don't make me laugh....it hurts to laugh." Holding my gut, I'd lean over and brace myself. But the response was always, "YOU'RE the one telling the joke...you're doing it to yourself." It made me realize that it really was me. That despite the major surgery, this terrible disease and all that goes with it, life was still funny, and good...and being with my family was really the best possible medicine ever.
It was a good day. A really nice fun day. I missed my mom who was at my brother & sister in law's house. And she missed being with us as well. But there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow is also Mother's day, and the next day, and the next day! She's coming over tomorrow. I'm so blessed. Happy Mother's day to all the mom's out there -- especially the Best Mom...My Mom -- who has taught me so much about love, faith, hope, parenting, prayer and compassion.
To my wonderful children, Thank You, for blessing me with being your mom. I love you both so much. Thank you for a great day...and for the laughter and smiles.
 |
| Ani's lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, and amaretto cream strawberries (and good coffee) |
06 May 2011
Day 4: The doctor's appointment, the pain pumps, and comments
I had an appointment today to get my pain pumps and dressings. Pain pumps are these fat grenade-like balls filled with pain meds, and they are sutured into your skin and distribute medication into your incision. Along with your drains, you carry around a pouch with your pain pumps...and as the meds are used up, the grenades become smaller. So today the sutures came out and the tubing was pulled out of the incision....and pulled, and pulled and pulled. It was wild...maybe 15" of tubing X 2 were removed. Apparently, the tubes have holes in them (kind of like a tiny irrigation hose) and the tubes are laced throughout your incision to give you pain relief. I do miss the pain relief, but I don't miss carrying them around.
My abdominal incision was unwrapped today as well. It's healing really well, but I look like Sally from Nightmare before Christmas with a zipper of stiitches going from one hip to the other. The drains are still doing their thing and will remain in til at least Wednesday. The breast is bruised but healing fine. And I'm still really sore and hurting, on pain meds, and unable to do much.
Along with all this, I wanted to write a little about comments. I know it's really awkward when talking to someone who has cancer, or has undergone surgery because of cancer. But as difficult as it is, it's also hard on the person. I talk to family and friends on the phone and I get comments like, "You sound great! You sound so energetic and happy! I'm glad you're doing so well." Or something like that. I know the caller has good intention. But the truth is, you don't feel energetic and happy. You've had a body part that you were born with cut out of you. It hurts to sit down, stand up, walk, lie down. Emotionally, you have highs and lows. You have had cancer. Is it in the past? Did they get it all? Will the pathology report show more in the nodes? Yes, there's relief because the surgery is behind you. The worst is over. But now there's a lot of healing to do...physically and emotionally. So as encouraging as the comment may seem, it's really not as comforting as intended.
So what do you say? Just ask, "how are you feeling?" And listen. Ask if there's anything you can do? Pick up anything from the market? Help with anything? And unless you're immediate family, wait a few weeks before saying you want to come over for a visit, and understand when your idea to visit isn't met with the same enthusiasm. I know in my case, I can't even get dressed most days, let alone pick up my house. The idea of having visitors is too much at this point. Lastly, know that your friend loves you, and appreciates your friendship so much, but this thing that she's going through..it's not always black and white.
My abdominal incision was unwrapped today as well. It's healing really well, but I look like Sally from Nightmare before Christmas with a zipper of stiitches going from one hip to the other. The drains are still doing their thing and will remain in til at least Wednesday. The breast is bruised but healing fine. And I'm still really sore and hurting, on pain meds, and unable to do much.
Along with all this, I wanted to write a little about comments. I know it's really awkward when talking to someone who has cancer, or has undergone surgery because of cancer. But as difficult as it is, it's also hard on the person. I talk to family and friends on the phone and I get comments like, "You sound great! You sound so energetic and happy! I'm glad you're doing so well." Or something like that. I know the caller has good intention. But the truth is, you don't feel energetic and happy. You've had a body part that you were born with cut out of you. It hurts to sit down, stand up, walk, lie down. Emotionally, you have highs and lows. You have had cancer. Is it in the past? Did they get it all? Will the pathology report show more in the nodes? Yes, there's relief because the surgery is behind you. The worst is over. But now there's a lot of healing to do...physically and emotionally. So as encouraging as the comment may seem, it's really not as comforting as intended.
So what do you say? Just ask, "how are you feeling?" And listen. Ask if there's anything you can do? Pick up anything from the market? Help with anything? And unless you're immediate family, wait a few weeks before saying you want to come over for a visit, and understand when your idea to visit isn't met with the same enthusiasm. I know in my case, I can't even get dressed most days, let alone pick up my house. The idea of having visitors is too much at this point. Lastly, know that your friend loves you, and appreciates your friendship so much, but this thing that she's going through..it's not always black and white.
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