When Your Apology Isn't Accepted (Audio)

ITP # 14: Have you ever apologized for something and had your apology not accepted? Or worse yet, not acknowledged? Tune in this week as Anush deals with forgiveness, conflict resolution, and "moving on"... if that's possible.
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When Your Apology Isn't Accepted

There's something that has been weighing heavily on me for the past several months, and on Friday, it finally came to a head.  Because you know I share everything here on my blog, I wanted to write about it, thinking that it would be good to hear your ideas, reflection, insights as well.  It's all about forgiveness, and hurt, and apologizing, and then ...have you ever thought about what happens when your apology is not accepted?  Here's what happened.   

My coworkers and I used to put in a couple dollars a week to play the lottery. My one coworker was in charge of the winnings which we would keep to buy more tickets when the jackpots got big.  We would always communicate via email.  So when one day the jackpot winnings were at an all time high, my coworker (let's call him Ray) sent out an email:  "Shall we use some of our booty to purchase more chances for tonight's drawing?"  In regular form, our group sent back responses saying yes.  Now, mind you, Ray has always been very jovial, fun, and has always had a good sense of humor.  Playing on his use of the word "booty" I wrote back, "I agree! An idle booty is the devil's playground".  You know that old saying, right?  Idle hands are the devil's playground.  All I meant was yes, let's put the money to good use.

I thought nothing of it.  The following day, though, my friend was very quiet.  All day.  When I was leaving, I asked, "Ray, what's up?"  No response.  "Ray?"  He responded, "Nothing, just busy."  Okay, maybe he's a little moody.  I thought nothing of it and off I went for the weekend.  On Monday, when Ray walked in, I greeted him with my usual good morning.  Nothing.   No response.  And the several hours later, I received an email from him. "I thought about it all weekend, and I don't know what you meant by your comment, but I will no longer be handling the money for the lottery."  WHAT?  Seriously.  I went back to re-read my email to see if I said anything wrong.  Nope.  So I wrote back.  I explained what I meant...that it meant nothing.  I was trying to just make a play on the words he had used.  Obviously, I said, it was misunderstood and if I had offended him by it, I was truly sorry.  I explained that he was my friend!  We had known one another for 10 years.  And I would NEVER do or say anything to hurt him.  And if I had, again, I apologize.  I waited for a response.  It never came.

And then there was silence.  I thought, okay, maybe he didn't get to the email yet.  He seemed busy.  I waited.  One day, two days. Still nothing.  You have to know that we work in an office.  I have a cubicle, and there are four of us that share a quad of cubicles.  So we're right there in each other's space.  The silence from him, flowed over to my other coworker, his friend who announced via email that he had decided that he was no longer going to play the lottery and wanted out.   I had decided that I didn't want to be part of it any longer either because losing friendships over something so petty wasn't worth it.  And within a day, our lottery group that had been playing for the past 4-5 years disbanded. The small amount of winnings we had were all divided up among us players and that was that.

 But the silence continued. Our department has always prided themselves on being close with one another.  We're the "fun" group of our office.  Yet now, this whole thing had thrown a wrench in the works.  Days turned to weeks, a week turned into a month.  I would literally come to work, say good morning in my quad. Other than a "good morning" from the other two (not Ray), not one would talk to me until I said, "good night guys" at the end of the day when the same two would say goodnight.  The third coworker was not involved in it at all, but because he works for Ray, if Ray ain't talkin' he wasn't either.  

Anyways, it was incredibly uncomfortable to say the least.  Of course there are other people in our office that I would talk to, but this was always there for me.  If you know me, you know that peace is a big part of me. My heart has to be at peace or I'm not okay.  This all started back in June.  My boss had been on vacation.  When she returned, she felt it.  She asked me what was going on.  And I told her.  I shared with her my email that I had sent...Ray's response, and my apology.  She thought that was really strange.  She didn't understand.  She told me she would handle it..that she didn't want this type of thing going on, but I asked her to please give it more time.  I just cringed at the idea of her calling us in.  As I had been the odd man out here, I thought it was just going to put more of a strain on things.  I told her that I would like to handle it.  She was getting ready to go on a business trip.  She said okay and that she'd check back in after her returned in 3 weeks.

By now over a month had gone by.  The silence was taking it's toll on me.  I couldn't sleep.  I discussed it with my husband, my mom, my daughter.  I didn't understand why he couldn't accept my apology.  I didn't understand how this person that I thought was my friend, would think that I would say something to offend him.  My health started suffering for it.  I had to go to the doctor who said my stomach problems were from stress.  I even started looking for another job.  

With my boss gone, I had incentive to get this worked out before her returned.  All the while I had been praying about this.  Asking God to open Ray's heart so he could see inside mine.  I thought I'd try again.  That Monday, I wrote him another email.   I asked if he would have a few minutes to talk to me.  I told him I understood he was upset, but I didn't understand why...and again, obviously, I said, it was because of my initial comment, but i truly didn't mean anything of it...and again, I apologized.  Would he have time this afternoon to resolve this?  I received no response.  The whole day I waited.  The following day I came to work, and he had responded.  He said there was nothing to talk about.  We should just allow time to take it's course.  That was it.  And he left on a 3 week vacation.

This whole thing has been very stressful and difficult for me.  I am a Christian.  I don't take that lightly.   Those that I talked to about it told me I had nothing to apologize about.  But I didn't have a problem with that.  We're all human.  We are not perfect.  And if I had hurt someone, I had no problem in apologizing for my offense.  But the difficult part of this whole equation was that I had done my part, but my apology wasn't accepted.  And not only was it not accepted, it was ignored.  I started thinking about apologies.  When we forgive someone we do it not for them but for us.  I started working on forgiving him....so that I could start dealing with what I was feeling because as the weeks were going on, getting up and going to work was getting more and more difficult.  At work, I continued trying.  I continued saying good morning.  I continued saying good night.  

When my boss returned she didn't mention it.  A couple more weeks went by.  And then two weeks ago we all went out to lunch with a client.  Ray was late, and when he arrived, the only seat left was across from me.  Dread.  Everything was fine with the group.  My boss was sitting next to Ray, I joined in the conversation with the others in our department, and Ray directed his conversation to everyone but me.  And my boss picked up on it.  That afternoon she called me into her office to find out what happened while she was gone.  I explained the attempt.  Shared the email with her, and Ray's non-response.  I told her I didn't know what else to do.  I had tried.  

A few days later, my boss called Ray in.  The door was shut.  And they were in there a long while.  When he came out, he went back to his desk and continued working.  The following morning, I asked my boss if she had spoken to him.  She was busy.  Yes, she said, she had.  She could talk to me about it sometime when she had more time.  In the meantime, she said, Ray was supposed to talk to me.

This past Thursday, nearly a week after that (and three months after the initial incident), as I was packing up for the day, Ray came up and asked if I would have time on Friday, after lunch, to talk.  "You want to talk to me?", I said.  "Sure."  The following day he approached me in the afternoon.  He suggested we go outside to talk, so down the elevator we went, outside to sit in the plaza.  He started out saying, "I don't know where to start with this.  The boss says you're upset."  You can imagine my inner reaction to that, right?  I mean here's a man that has made such an effort to ignore me for the past 3 months...and he says we're talking cuz I'm upset?  So if he didn't know where to start, I would just have to help him.  And I did.

I think God opened my mouth for me.  I told him that he knew very well what he was doing, because being cruel was not something that anyone did naturally.   I reminded him that I had apologized 3 times, yet he had chosen not to even discuss or acknowledge that apology.  I told him I didn't understand what I had done or said that offended him so badly.  I asked him to explain.  And as I always do when I am frustrated, I started to cry.  To which he replied "Don't take it personally like that....you don't have to be upset."  Really?  Apparently, my comment had made him feel that I was questioning how the money from the lottery funds were handled.  Go figure.  Although he understood that I had apologized, he said that sometimes people say things and then apologize after but the damage had been done.  I asked, did he feel this was my case?  We went around and around  He told me that he was sorry that he had made me feel so bad.  I asked him if he accepted my apology.  His response took me aback.  He said, "Well, I've learned to move on."  I told him that wasn't the same thing.  He said, "I can forgive...but it's going to be hard to forget."  I was stunned.  Forget what?  But then I thought about all I had been through too.  And I conceded.  "Okay I said.  I get that, because I can forgive you too....but I will have a hard time forgetting as well."  

I think the thing that really hurt me the most about this entire stupid thing was the fact that this is a person that I considered my friend.  Not a dear friend, but this is someone  that I see at work 5 days a week.  I thought that after 10 years of working together, that I knew him...and he would know me.   I told him that he should know by now, that I would never want to do anything to hurt a friend.  Intentionally or unintentionally.  And there was also hurt there because I thought I knew him. I wouldn't think that a friend would intentionally want to hurt me either.  We don't do that.  Yet he had.  And he knew it.  When I called him on it, he had no answer.

So how did it end?  Well, he asked how we should move on.  I told him I would like us to be civil.  To start saying hello again.  We didn't need to be best friends, but we should be courteous.  It will take time we both agreed.  I told him that I had prayed for him.  That God would open his heart to understand mine.  He said, "Well, maybe it worked."  That was it.  We took the elevator back up.  At the end of the day, I packed it up and said, "Good night."  "Good night," he said.  That was the first thing he has said to me in the office in 3 months.  It's a start.

I am relieved that it's over...that it's somewhat resolved.  Although I know things will ever be the same between us.  I can forgive, though it's difficult to understand why someone would want to hurt someone by not accepting their apology.  Perhaps he didn't know me as well as I thought he did.  Who knows.  All I can do is keep praying and let it go.  I found this nice quote on forgiveness by Mark Twain.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." - Mark Twain

The violet has no choice but to be crushed by the heel though.  I did have a choice to allow Ray to crush me with his actions.  And I don't know why it was so stressful for me and why I allowed it to hurt me so much.  Because truly, in my  heart, I KNEW that I hadn't done or said anything to hurt him.  So why?  Why couldn't I just let it go knowing that I had done my best to resolve the situation?  Why not just say, "hey not everyone has to like me...."  y'know?  I'm still taking a look at that one.  At what point do we need to stop apologizing?  In my case, I think it was more of a character issue.  It was important to me that he understand that I wasn't like that.  I would do something to hurt him.  Yet, looking at it from the other side now, obviously, I had.  I suppose Ray's not acknowledging my apology was his way of punishing me.  But in turn, wasn't it more of a punishment to the self to have to put yourself through purposely working so hard to hurt the one you're upset with?  Anyways, these are all things that I'm pondering.  What do you think?  I'd love to hear from you. 

Team In Her Shoes - Walking Glendale

It was a beautiful fall morning.  The air was chilly and crisp, there were clouds teasing us of a chance of rain, but seven of us on Team In Her Shoes met at the Von's market in Glendale at the 134 to train.  It was our very first training walk.  We met between 7:00 a.m. and 7:15 a.m.

We are Team In Her Shoes.  We're the sister organization of In His Shoes a group that rallies support for those who are suffering in the world.  This year, we decided to sign up to participate in next year's Avon Walk for Breast Cancer Santa Barbara because we are putting ourselves in the shoes of those who are fighting the battle with cancers of all types, but namely, breast cancer.

 
We have 19 team members signed up to walk.  And we have all committed to raising a minimum of $1800 for breast cancer.  Raising the money is not as hard as training.  The walk takes place over the course of 2 days, and we'll be walking 39 miles.  We started off today in Glendale with the goal of walking 3.2 miles. It was a fun walk.  We kept the pace and walked down and through the Americana and back up to the 134.

Along the way we stopped for photo ops at the new Armenian consulate building, and the Christmas tree at the Americana.  It was a fun morning and a great way to start off a productive day.

Would you like to donate to team In Her Shoes?  Please email me at anush@pomegranate-n-eye.com  I'll be setting up our team donation page.  Do you have a business that would like to sponsor our team?  Would you like us to walk in honor or memory of your friend or loved one?  We're here to do that.  We are putting ourselves In Her Shoes!

Like us on Facebook:  "Team In Her Shoes"
Find out more about In His Shoes outreach:  www.inhisshoes.org

A Piece of Candy and a Hug

I have a friend who is homeless. He is wheel-chair bound, has only one leg, a long gray beard and soft green eyes that have a lot of kindness in them.  Every weekday when I leave work, he is there on my way to the parking garage.  He puts his cup out on the sidewalk and never asks passersby for money.  Instead, he keeps track of who goes by and builds friendships.  And because of this he is very approachable.  Somedays I can put a dollar in the cup, other days it's just some loose change, or I'll hand him part of my lunch, but I will always stop and say hello and talk to him and ask how he's doing.  And others do the same. 

He's very complimentary, my friend.  "Nice hair!"  "You've got a kind heart."  "That's a great color on you."  Is it a survival mechanism?  I don't think so.  He is kind, centered, and has built community around him.  He's the type of guy where, in the triple-digit heat when I asked him how he was fareing, instead of complaining he said, "I'm just thankful for the breeze."  : )

Yesterday was not the greatest day at work.  Yes, I got great news about the genetic test results, but my work day was tough, and as I approached my friend at the end of my day, I was in thought.  I stopped to say hello and he asked how I was.  I said, "Not every day can be a good one, but every day is a blessing."  He thought about it and said, "That's very true.  My grandma taught me that you should count your blessings every day."  We talked a little, and he got excited like he suddenly thought of something.  "Wait," he said, "I have something to make your day better!"  He hopped up on his leg and started rummaging through various bags all attached to the back of his wheelchair.  He said, "A lady gave me a bag of these and it's just the thing to make your day better."  Finally he found it.  He produced a small, bite-sized Milky Way candy.  He gave it to me to improve my day.  It was a small gesture from one friend to another...and then he gave me a hug. 

You know what?  He was right!  It made my day.  : )  And I don't even know his name...but today, I'll ask.

Who I Am

I just heard a promo for a new podcast with Linda Zadoian called Compass, part of epostle.net's programming.  And in this promo, Linda describes some of the different facets of her identity.  This morning, while I was walking, I was thinking about who "I" am.   What is important to me as far as my identity is concerned, and what is not.  Here's a list.

I'm a Christian.  A woman, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter (though my grandparents aren't around anymore. ) I am a step-mom.
I am a wife, a friend, a confidente.

I am a breast cancer survivor.  I am a colon cancer survivor.  I am just a survivor....of life and all it's bumps and messes.

I am a shoulder to cry on.  I am a hugger.  I am a lover of mostly everyone.  I am someone that sees good in others. 

I am an artist.  I am a jewelry maker.  I am creative and crafty.  I am an illustrator, and a painter.  A sketcher. A musician.

I am a reader.  And a thinker - though sometimes too much.  I am an observer -- noticing the little details in my surroundings and in people.

I am a gardener - though not always a successful one.  Still, I am a gardener and a planter of seeds with a hope for sprouts and for a harvest. 

I am a cry-er at movies, and sappy commercials.  And at things that break my heart...like hungry and abused children and homeless people, and genocide and war.  I am  caring and compassionate.

I am a believer...in love, in goodness, in kindness, and good prevailing over evil.  And in prayer.

I am a fighter.  I am strong.  I am healthy (until I'm not...but for now, thank God, I am!)   I am an optimist.  I am fearless.  And I am brave. 

 

The Lesson of the Peas - Support!

Just two days ago, I picked the first peas from my garden!  I had just gone out to take a look at my weekend weeding plan, when I saw the pods.  Delicious.  They never made it into the dinner salad.  We just ate them off the vine.  I picked a few strawberries, checked on the peppers and tomatoes.  Everything is growing really well.

Yesterday, after work I came home to find the peas completely toppled.  What happened.  They had grown beyond their support and with nothing to grasp on to further, they had grasped on to each other.   Their little tendrils were twisted on to one another. Knotted.   The weight of supporting one another had caused them all to fall down together.

As I was working in the garden this morning, untangling the tendrils, tying the peas to the support I had bought, I was thinking about this lesson.  We are just like the peas.  We grow up staked in our support systems:   family and friends growing together.  We mature and sometimes grow beyond our support.  Letting go, we venture out on our own.    We meet with friends that are like we are.  Sharing the same likes and dislikes, the same interests.  And for a while, it's great.  We create.  We give fruit.  We flower.  And when we need support, we hang on to each other.

But if that support is not rooted in firm foundation, we'll topple.  Together.  It's up to us to choose that firm foundation.  For me, it's my faith.   For others, it's something else.  But for me, it's my Christian faith.  The lesson of the peas is a thought-provoking one for me.   The new support I put in the garden was put in right at the base...right at the family and friends level.  The support framework is Faith.  Faith, family, friends growing together create strength, support, growth.  They cause us to flower and bring forth fruit.  And that's delicious!

My garden today: June 24, 2011

A Little Help from My Friends

My daughter Ani leaves for her hospital rotations pretty early in the morning.  I always like for her to tell me she's leaving (if I'm not up), and also to let me know she's made it to the hospital by texting me when she gets there.   I know, I know...it's a bit overprotective, but it's what we do.  Anyways,  because I wrote that post last night, I was in the mode of "thinking" about taking a walk at some time today.

When Ani left this morning,  I looked at my blackberry at my bedside.  The usual email notifications, one more pink ribbon bracelet sale (thank you!), and a "comment" on my blog post from my dear friend in Japan telling me basically to get off the couch....or even think about selling the couch...but basically a call to get up and out and get moving.  So I'm lying in bed reading this...and another comment came in.  This time on Facebook, from my friend Sandra.  Another word of encouragement. 

So I didn't roll over and go back to sleep.  I didn't wait for Ani's text saying she got to the hospital. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on my clothes and laced up my shoes.  And off I went.  I have to tell you, it was beautiful out.  The air was cool and scented with jasmine that's blooming all over my neighborhood.  And according to mapmyrun.com my first morning walk totaled 1.13 miles!  Yay me.  Tomorrow I will go further!

I was trying to take in, with fresh eyes, some of the sites and goings on around me.  Here's some of what I saw:

A grandma sweeping the curb while her grandson waited with his backpack for his ride to school
The fog hugging the foothills
Some beautifully manicured yards
Some very dead and not so beautiful yards...yellowed from no water?  water shortage? or just lack of care?
Cactus blooming at curbside in a very unsuspecting rock garden
A car with a C-clamp clamped to its hood to hold it down while driving!
A jasmine-scented corridor where about 50 feet of my walk was permeated with this beautiful fragrance
A really old dog on his walk with his not-so-old owner
A neighbor's fence made entirely of nautical spools?  Round and wooden.  Very cool. 
Dewdrops on roses
The white mulberry tree on the corner is starting to blossom/make berries
Crazy, vining morning glories
Pomegranate trees blooming!

And I took a few pictures...just so you believe I was there.  : )
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and prayers!  I am on the road to feeling better everyday!  I get by with a little help from my friends!

Here's the cool cactus flower!

My neighbor, Dave's garden...always nice.  That's my car in the driveway just beyond.  This was as I was coming back home.  You can see the foothills in fog in the background...sort of.

I don't know what ths flower is but it's a huge, drought tolerant scrub.  I had heard that it's called a Mexican Rose.  It's really very showy and beautiful.

I saw lots of roses with dewdrops.

And here's that incredible wall of jasmine.  As I approached it, there was no fragrance...and then about 10 feet into it, you get hit!  and after you pass it, the fragrance hangs in a cloud beyond it. 





Day 4: The doctor's appointment, the pain pumps, and comments

I had an appointment today to get my pain pumps and dressings.  Pain pumps are these fat grenade-like balls filled with pain meds, and they are sutured into your skin and distribute medication into your incision.  Along with your drains, you carry around a pouch with your pain pumps...and as the meds are used up, the grenades become smaller.  So today the sutures came out and the tubing was pulled out of the incision....and pulled, and pulled and pulled.  It was wild...maybe 15" of tubing X 2 were removed.  Apparently, the tubes have holes in them (kind of like a tiny irrigation hose) and the tubes are laced throughout your incision to give you pain relief.  I do miss the pain relief, but I don't miss carrying them around.

My abdominal incision was unwrapped today as well.  It's healing really well, but I look like Sally from Nightmare before Christmas with a zipper of stiitches going from one hip to the other.  The drains are still doing their thing and will remain in til at least Wednesday.  The breast is bruised but healing fine.  And I'm still really sore and hurting, on pain meds, and unable to do much.

Along with all this, I wanted to write a little about comments.  I know it's really awkward when talking to someone who has cancer, or has undergone surgery because of cancer.  But as difficult as it is, it's also hard on the person.  I talk to family and friends on the phone and I get comments like, "You sound great!  You sound so energetic and happy!  I'm glad you're doing so well."  Or something like that.  I know the caller has good intention.  But the truth is, you don't feel energetic and happy.  You've had a body part that you were born with cut out of you.  It hurts to sit down, stand up, walk, lie down.  Emotionally, you have highs and lows.  You have had cancer.  Is it in the past?  Did they get it all?  Will the pathology report show more in the nodes?  Yes, there's relief because the surgery is behind you.  The worst is over.  But now there's a lot of healing to do...physically and emotionally.  So as encouraging as the comment may seem, it's really not as comforting as intended.

So what do you say?  Just ask, "how are you feeling?" And listen.  Ask if there's anything you can do?  Pick up anything from the market?  Help with anything?  And unless you're immediate family, wait a few weeks before saying you want to come over for a visit, and understand when your idea to visit isn't met with the same enthusiasm.  I know in my case, I can't even get dressed most days, let alone pick up my house.  The idea of having visitors is too much at this point.  Lastly, know that your friend loves you, and appreciates your friendship so much, but this thing that she's going through..it's not always black and white.