It's a little past midnight. The wind is howling in Sunland this early morning rattling my doors. I've been napping on pain meds since I got home from outpatient surgery this evening and now I'm awake til the next dose kicks in. My day started at yesterday midnight when the doctor's orders were "nothing to eat or drink after midnight." Eating is not a problem; but no water or the morning coffee is a bit tougher. Still, I did okay, and made it to the Surgi-Center at New Age Aesthetic's - my surgeon's practice in Encino.
I met with the anesthesiologist who attempted to start my IV line. Attempted. I have only one good arm for this type of thing, and that one they can't use because of all the surgeries, lymph node dissection, and because the veins have been scarred beyond use from all the surgeries. Not wise to use it anyways, unless it's an absolute necessity. So SEVEN tries on the left arm. I have never had such an experience. I usually get the comments that my veins are very small...and they attempt my crook of the arm...and usually advance to the back of my hand. But this doctor tried 7 times. Two in the crook of the arm, three in the back of the hand, 2 in my underside of my forearm...and then gave me the option: Either we try in the neck (EWWWW!) or we try the right arm. All this time I'm praying for him to find a vein. I asked him to please call the surgeon in the other room, and ask him what he suggested. We opted for the back of the hand on my right, and thank God he finally found it. Needless to say my left arm is nicely bruised.
Then I had to be photographed...the "before" pictures. Humiliating. But because it's reconstruction from a medical point of view, it's required by the insurance. Okay. Then meet with the surgeon for markings. It's totally like the beginning of the TV series, Nip/Tuck when you see the doctor marking up the patient with dashed lines on the skin. He explained to me what he was going to do. I had a lot of hard scar tissue under my arm area where the incision was made 18 years ago for the lymph node dissection, and then more scarring on top of that from the mastectomy. He wanted to remove that a bit. Then some contouring to remove the necrosis (more hard areas), and then creating a nipple.
Then into the operating room where I was put in the usual "crucifixion position". Arms out to my sides and restrained. As always, in my head at this point...and at points throughout this whole cancer, I start reciting the 23rd Psalm in my head. This beautiful Psalm helped me get through my daily radiation treatments and brings me a lot of comfort when I need it most. I love the verse, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." It's beautiful.
Anyways, I woke up in recovery. My hands are still swollen from the IV fluids. And I DID have to have a drain, despite my positive thoughts not to get one. Hopefully it will come out on Tuesday. I have a lot more pain than I thought I would have. Especially in the exit point of the drain. Every time I get up from sitting, or lying down, it's a sharp pain. I have to empty the drain 4 x a day and log the drainage.
I am hopeful that this will be the last surgery for the year. For now, I'm just going to think positive, work on healing, and taking care of myself: mind, soul and body.
If you are dealing with breast cancer, reconstruction, etc, and need to ask questions, talk about it, etc. I'm here to help: write me at ahnoosh@ca.rr.com
Showing posts with label positive attitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive attitude. Show all posts
02 November 2011
24 September 2011
When Has it Ever Not Been Crazy?
With the Avon Walk behind me, I thought, "Now I can settle down and finish up the illustrations!" I have this illustration job that started late last year, and then with the gallbladder surgery, colon cancer, breast cancer issues of the past 8 months, everything with that has been put on hold. Until this week. After talking to Elise, the head of the Department of Religious Education for the Eastern Diocese of the Armenian Church, we decided that if the book (a childrens book about what goes on in Armenian Orthodox church from a child's perspective) is going to be ready in time for Christmas, then I need to have the illustrations done by the end of October. EEeeeeppps!!! That's only a month and some change away!
So here it is, Saturday morning. I got the house in some semblance of order ...sort of. And now I'm getting ready to figure out what I'm doing. The illustrations, organizing team In Her Shoes, Pomegranate & Eye (the jewelry business), day job, family, and the upcoming second part of my reconstruction surgery - which will take place on 11/1/11 (nice number line up, for sure!)
For the past month, it seems that I have just had such a lack of energy. I mean, yes, we trained for the avon walk, miles and miles of training, and then the intensity of the weekend. But I mean, other than that. I've always been one to be "busy". My life is filled with projects, and burning the candle at both ends and in the middle too. Lately, though, it's been catching up to me, more so. I've had to come home from work and just "veg" out...laying down on my bed in the afternoon...sometimes even falling asleep. I've never ever been a napper.
But it's okay. I am thankful that I'm able to do what I can do. I realize that my life has always been crazy. And that's not a bad thing. Like the comment I received a couple months ago, it just means I have a very FULL life. And this is good. Life is good.
Soooo.....I am hopeful that I'll be able to get this illustration job done (prayers are appreciated). If I can get it done by the end of October...I won't have it looming over me when I have my surgery. There is a peace that I feel when I do get to sit and draw...and I get lost in time. It's just the effort of getting myself to sit and do it. Once I do, it's bliss. So today, in fact, right now, I'm going to sit down at my drawing table and work!
For the past month, it seems that I have just had such a lack of energy. I mean, yes, we trained for the avon walk, miles and miles of training, and then the intensity of the weekend. But I mean, other than that. I've always been one to be "busy". My life is filled with projects, and burning the candle at both ends and in the middle too. Lately, though, it's been catching up to me, more so. I've had to come home from work and just "veg" out...laying down on my bed in the afternoon...sometimes even falling asleep. I've never ever been a napper.
But it's okay. I am thankful that I'm able to do what I can do. I realize that my life has always been crazy. And that's not a bad thing. Like the comment I received a couple months ago, it just means I have a very FULL life. And this is good. Life is good.
Soooo.....I am hopeful that I'll be able to get this illustration job done (prayers are appreciated). If I can get it done by the end of October...I won't have it looming over me when I have my surgery. There is a peace that I feel when I do get to sit and draw...and I get lost in time. It's just the effort of getting myself to sit and do it. Once I do, it's bliss. So today, in fact, right now, I'm going to sit down at my drawing table and work!
20 September 2011
The Walk of Hope
We walked this weekend. And walked, and walked and walked some more. Went to bed in our sleeping bags stiff and sore, and got up and walked again...until we walked a total of 39.3 miles! We walked because we couldn't not walk. We walked for those who couldn't walk. We walked for those who are battling cancer now, those who are survivors. And we walked in memory of those who have lost the battle. We walked for the poor...those who can't afford health care and mammograms. And together, we raised $4.6 million.
It was emotional. And empowering. Just 4 months ago, I was diagnosed for a second time, with breast cancer. 18 years ago, when I received the first diagnosis, I thought someone had pulled the rug out from under me. I was 34, a mother of two. This time around, I knew I would make it. Sure, there's the initial fear, but I am so much stronger now. Back then, life was so uncertain. Now, I know that life IS uncertain and things can change from day to day. Life is fragile. But we deal with it. There are no guarantees. So we walk when we can. We try to make the difference. And we try to be the change that we want to see in the world.
This was a milestone year. Colon cancer, breast cancer, Ani's graduation from nursing school. We had to walk. It was a celebration of life. Of being alive, of being WELL. Not only physically, but mentally. We made it through. All of us. Together. Holding each other up. One day at a time.
The idea of the walk is to take your time. To learn the stories of those around you. To take it all in. Every walker has their style. Along the walk, you meet all kinds of walkers. Those that like to cheer. Those that need to talk every step of the way. The singers. Those that follow their group. There are those that need to be noticed, with outrageous costumes, and crazy wigs. And there are those that like to walk alone. Meditative and quiet. Ani and I are quiet walkers. We talk a bit, when there's something to talk about. We point out beauty around us - a pretty door, a beautiful flower, a perfect spider web. But we are just content to walk side by side in quiet. I love this.
We were a sea of pink. Some 1,800 of us. Mostly women, but men as well. All walking to make a difference. To fill a void, to remember a mom or a sister, a wife. We walked near a man who was walking for his wife....she was a 10 year survivor. She had walked as much as she could that day and took the shuttle back to the wellness village. But he kept walking. For her. We walked with a woman named Phyllis for a while. She told me she was walking, "slow and steady...at my own pace." I didn't want to invade her space, but then she opened up. "Y'know...in the South, during civil rights times, we would have to walk. We didn't have cars...we'd walk everywhere. It makes me remember." The walking connects us. We are all walking as one. A pink sign reads, "None of us are as powerful as ALL of us." We are powerful. A sea of pink.
There are hours that go by. That first day, we walked for 10 hours. I prayed while I walked. I was thankful for the day, for being well enough. Thankful for my family, my support system. Thankful for medical care. And thankful for those who walked in my shoes before I ever got diagnosed all those years back. For those that funded the research so that I can walk today. Yes, it was hard. After walking all those miles, you start to hurt. You know you have blisters, but you also know that if you take off your shoes, you'll never get them back on. So you walk through it. And pray. One foot in front of the other. And you remember. Like Phyllis, remembering the days of the past. I remembered my grandparents who were marched through the desert during the genocide and I called on their strength. I had a choice. They didn't. I could stop, but I didn't. We choose to walk. Because we can. Because we CAN'T not walk. It's the walk of Hope.
The idea of the walk is to take your time. To learn the stories of those around you. To take it all in. Every walker has their style. Along the walk, you meet all kinds of walkers. Those that like to cheer. Those that need to talk every step of the way. The singers. Those that follow their group. There are those that need to be noticed, with outrageous costumes, and crazy wigs. And there are those that like to walk alone. Meditative and quiet. Ani and I are quiet walkers. We talk a bit, when there's something to talk about. We point out beauty around us - a pretty door, a beautiful flower, a perfect spider web. But we are just content to walk side by side in quiet. I love this.
We were a sea of pink. Some 1,800 of us. Mostly women, but men as well. All walking to make a difference. To fill a void, to remember a mom or a sister, a wife. We walked near a man who was walking for his wife....she was a 10 year survivor. She had walked as much as she could that day and took the shuttle back to the wellness village. But he kept walking. For her. We walked with a woman named Phyllis for a while. She told me she was walking, "slow and steady...at my own pace." I didn't want to invade her space, but then she opened up. "Y'know...in the South, during civil rights times, we would have to walk. We didn't have cars...we'd walk everywhere. It makes me remember." The walking connects us. We are all walking as one. A pink sign reads, "None of us are as powerful as ALL of us." We are powerful. A sea of pink.
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| At the Finish Line - 39.3 miles |
30 July 2011
At Least There are Sunflowers
I haven't blogged in a long while. I've gone back to work, back to jewelry making, I'm starting to go back to my drawings now, and life in general. I've been walking....and walking....getting ready for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer which is now only 50 days away. Eeeps! You know that Ani graduated, but since my last writing, she has taken her NCLEX (nursing license exam) and passed and is now a full R.N. My son Nareg turned 30 - a wonderful occasion to see how my little boy has grown into a man (and a kind, compassionate one at that!) I really have a lot to be thankful for. But then there's the garden.
There's a lesson to be learned here, and I'm trying to figure out what it is. Remember how adamant I was about digging and getting the garden ready before my surgery? That was a little over 3 months ago. I worked for a week, digging and weeding, turning in new soil and planting. It was all set. And for a while it was good. The peas did well (see previous blog posts), and I harvested quite a bit, but the weather got warmer and the plants maxed out.
But what about the other stuff? The tomatoes, the squash and cucumbers? The peppers and green beans. Pffffffffttt! I don't know what happened. Whereas my sister Susan is sharing mammoth sized zucchini with me, I have not had one. My coworkers are bringing in bumper crops of tomatoes, I have maybe picked a handful of golf-ball sized thick-skinned tomatoes. I had one really good green pepper...and just picked two half sized red ones (I left them on the plant thinking they'd get bigger...they just got red...:::shrug:::). One eggplant. One small yellow squash. No cucumbers. I have watered and weeded, and put in my time. So what's up? No clue. I do know that I have a possum that comes out at night and if I don't harvest my tomatoes in time, he'll help himself to them...but that's not it.
What I DO have though, are sunflowers. They are just getting ready to bloom. I had planted them around the border of my garden (so they wouldn't block the sprinkler spray and deprive my veggies of water). They are magnificent. Tall and strong, turning their faces toward the sun. A reminder of God's beauty and artistry.
I have an army of them. A source of joy when I go out and look at my otherwise failing garden. I have been thinking about this lately, because yes, I am disappointed with my garden...but how can I be when I have something so amazing right there in front of my eyes?
And I thought about what I've been through over the past several months. Before being diagnosed, I had worked on getting healthy. Losing weight, eating right, exercising. I had put in my time to make myself a healthier person. Despite all this effort, I was diagnosed first with colon cancer, and then with breast cancer. I underwent surgeries. I recuperated. I followed doctor's orders. And I, thank God, am well. I may not be "thriving" yet...but I'm doing okay. Giving off a tomato here, and a pepper there (metaphorically speaking, of course.) But still, I'm doing okay, y'know? But oh, the SUNFLOWERS! They're the blessings in my life: my children, my family, God's presence, my ability to help others, compassion, peace, and love. They are more than thriving. They are starting to BLOOM. This is what is bringing me JOY.
I am thankful for all the parts of my garden. The ability to even have a space to have a garden. The strength that I enjoy to work in the garden. The blessing of having clean water in pipes that flow to water my garden. And even for the disappointments of failed crops. And I'm definitely thankful for the SUNFLOWERS! Reminders of God's presence in my life and the gifts that I am so richly rewarded with.
There's a lesson to be learned here, and I'm trying to figure out what it is. Remember how adamant I was about digging and getting the garden ready before my surgery? That was a little over 3 months ago. I worked for a week, digging and weeding, turning in new soil and planting. It was all set. And for a while it was good. The peas did well (see previous blog posts), and I harvested quite a bit, but the weather got warmer and the plants maxed out.
But what about the other stuff? The tomatoes, the squash and cucumbers? The peppers and green beans. Pffffffffttt! I don't know what happened. Whereas my sister Susan is sharing mammoth sized zucchini with me, I have not had one. My coworkers are bringing in bumper crops of tomatoes, I have maybe picked a handful of golf-ball sized thick-skinned tomatoes. I had one really good green pepper...and just picked two half sized red ones (I left them on the plant thinking they'd get bigger...they just got red...:::shrug:::). One eggplant. One small yellow squash. No cucumbers. I have watered and weeded, and put in my time. So what's up? No clue. I do know that I have a possum that comes out at night and if I don't harvest my tomatoes in time, he'll help himself to them...but that's not it.
I have an army of them. A source of joy when I go out and look at my otherwise failing garden. I have been thinking about this lately, because yes, I am disappointed with my garden...but how can I be when I have something so amazing right there in front of my eyes?
And I thought about what I've been through over the past several months. Before being diagnosed, I had worked on getting healthy. Losing weight, eating right, exercising. I had put in my time to make myself a healthier person. Despite all this effort, I was diagnosed first with colon cancer, and then with breast cancer. I underwent surgeries. I recuperated. I followed doctor's orders. And I, thank God, am well. I may not be "thriving" yet...but I'm doing okay. Giving off a tomato here, and a pepper there (metaphorically speaking, of course.) But still, I'm doing okay, y'know? But oh, the SUNFLOWERS! They're the blessings in my life: my children, my family, God's presence, my ability to help others, compassion, peace, and love. They are more than thriving. They are starting to BLOOM. This is what is bringing me JOY.
I am thankful for all the parts of my garden. The ability to even have a space to have a garden. The strength that I enjoy to work in the garden. The blessing of having clean water in pipes that flow to water my garden. And even for the disappointments of failed crops. And I'm definitely thankful for the SUNFLOWERS! Reminders of God's presence in my life and the gifts that I am so richly rewarded with.
25 May 2011
The Garden, Doing Too Much Too Soon & Silver Poms
Yesterday was a good day. I walked two miles in the morning, came home and sanded and shaped the silver pomegranates, was pretty good about my non-snacking goals (except for the afternoon Oprah sunflower seed extravaganza!), and walked a third mile when my brother came to visit. It was bra day, and it felt good to have that extra support, to feel normal again. Today, not so much. : ( By evening, I was out of my clothes and into my jammies by 6:00. Just needed to do nothing -- after I torch fired the pomegranates (there's always something to do). It's hard to explain. I wasn't "sleepy" tired, but my body was tired...and complaining. My abdomen (which I didn't really feel had the right to complain since all we did was walk!), was sore...like I had done sit ups all day. My new breast, after being loosely bound, was tender and achey. I haven't been taking pain meds for over a week now, but it warranted meds. "I" didn't feel like I was doing too much too soon, but I guess my body had another opinion.
So this morning, I decided to forego the walk. Actually, my friend Sugar asked if I'd like to meet her for a walk in Montrose this evening, so I'll get in a short walk (emphasis on "short"). So it's a lazy morning (as far as exercise is concerned). I slept in til about 8:30. Made coffee and wire brushed the pomegranates that I had fired last night, and they are happily tumbling in the tumbler in the kitchen for the next few hours.
My mom is coming over today. She's bringing lunch. Despite my insisting that I could fix us something here, that I had food, that I was able to get up and about, and that I am trying to eat healthy, etc. "I'll bring something light." God bless her. Our time together is cherished. The plan is that we will watch the final Oprah show together. : )
And finally, this morning, I went out to put the sprinklers on the garden. It was just a few short weeks ago, pre-surgery, that I was turning the soil, adding organic mix to my terrible dirt, watering, prepping the garden and planting because I KNEW that I wouldn't be able to dig for a few months. Well, the garden is doing really well, and I thought I'd put up some pics to show progress. I have tomatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, chinese peas, green beans, cucumbers, bell peppers, eggplant and a sunflowers around the border of the garden. Nothing is harvestable yet, but it's looking good. I need to weed (as the crabgrass is coming in again, but I can't bend. So maybe I can do it with that little "grabber" tool that my mom bought me?? I wonder?
Before you check out the photos though, I just wanted to add a request. I know there are a lot of you that are reading my blog. I really appreciate all the great comments on Facebook, Twitter, etc. I was wondering if you might consider following my blog? Just because I like knowing who's reading (nosy that I am.)
Okay, here are the photos. Have a beautiful day today....and remember to listen to your body and don't do too much! : )
So this morning, I decided to forego the walk. Actually, my friend Sugar asked if I'd like to meet her for a walk in Montrose this evening, so I'll get in a short walk (emphasis on "short"). So it's a lazy morning (as far as exercise is concerned). I slept in til about 8:30. Made coffee and wire brushed the pomegranates that I had fired last night, and they are happily tumbling in the tumbler in the kitchen for the next few hours.
My mom is coming over today. She's bringing lunch. Despite my insisting that I could fix us something here, that I had food, that I was able to get up and about, and that I am trying to eat healthy, etc. "I'll bring something light." God bless her. Our time together is cherished. The plan is that we will watch the final Oprah show together. : )
And finally, this morning, I went out to put the sprinklers on the garden. It was just a few short weeks ago, pre-surgery, that I was turning the soil, adding organic mix to my terrible dirt, watering, prepping the garden and planting because I KNEW that I wouldn't be able to dig for a few months. Well, the garden is doing really well, and I thought I'd put up some pics to show progress. I have tomatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, chinese peas, green beans, cucumbers, bell peppers, eggplant and a sunflowers around the border of the garden. Nothing is harvestable yet, but it's looking good. I need to weed (as the crabgrass is coming in again, but I can't bend. So maybe I can do it with that little "grabber" tool that my mom bought me?? I wonder?
Before you check out the photos though, I just wanted to add a request. I know there are a lot of you that are reading my blog. I really appreciate all the great comments on Facebook, Twitter, etc. I was wondering if you might consider following my blog? Just because I like knowing who's reading (nosy that I am.)
Okay, here are the photos. Have a beautiful day today....and remember to listen to your body and don't do too much! : )
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| The garden monsters (notice the crabgrass peaking in) |
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| The Chinese peas are starting to climb |
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| I have bell peppers forming! |
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| The full view, sort of. with the new pepper and tomato plant that I'll ask Neddy to plant this weekend. Notice the sunflowers that are about 5" high all the way down the right and in the front bottom. |
23 May 2011
A Little Help from My Friends
My daughter Ani leaves for her hospital rotations pretty early in the morning. I always like for her to tell me she's leaving (if I'm not up), and also to let me know she's made it to the hospital by texting me when she gets there. I know, I know...it's a bit overprotective, but it's what we do. Anyways, because I wrote that post last night, I was in the mode of "thinking" about taking a walk at some time today.
When Ani left this morning, I looked at my blackberry at my bedside. The usual email notifications, one more pink ribbon bracelet sale (thank you!), and a "comment" on my blog post from my dear friend in Japan telling me basically to get off the couch....or even think about selling the couch...but basically a call to get up and out and get moving. So I'm lying in bed reading this...and another comment came in. This time on Facebook, from my friend Sandra. Another word of encouragement.
So I didn't roll over and go back to sleep. I didn't wait for Ani's text saying she got to the hospital. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on my clothes and laced up my shoes. And off I went. I have to tell you, it was beautiful out. The air was cool and scented with jasmine that's blooming all over my neighborhood. And according to mapmyrun.com my first morning walk totaled 1.13 miles! Yay me. Tomorrow I will go further!
I was trying to take in, with fresh eyes, some of the sites and goings on around me. Here's some of what I saw:
A grandma sweeping the curb while her grandson waited with his backpack for his ride to school
The fog hugging the foothills
Some beautifully manicured yards
Some very dead and not so beautiful yards...yellowed from no water? water shortage? or just lack of care?
Cactus blooming at curbside in a very unsuspecting rock garden
A car with a C-clamp clamped to its hood to hold it down while driving!
A jasmine-scented corridor where about 50 feet of my walk was permeated with this beautiful fragrance
A really old dog on his walk with his not-so-old owner
A neighbor's fence made entirely of nautical spools? Round and wooden. Very cool.
Dewdrops on roses
The white mulberry tree on the corner is starting to blossom/make berries
Crazy, vining morning glories
Pomegranate trees blooming!
And I took a few pictures...just so you believe I was there. : )
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and prayers! I am on the road to feeling better everyday! I get by with a little help from my friends!
Here's the cool cactus flower!
My neighbor, Dave's garden...always nice. That's my car in the driveway just beyond. This was as I was coming back home. You can see the foothills in fog in the background...sort of.
I don't know what ths flower is but it's a huge, drought tolerant scrub. I had heard that it's called a Mexican Rose. It's really very showy and beautiful.
I saw lots of roses with dewdrops.
And here's that incredible wall of jasmine. As I approached it, there was no fragrance...and then about 10 feet into it, you get hit! and after you pass it, the fragrance hangs in a cloud beyond it.
When Ani left this morning, I looked at my blackberry at my bedside. The usual email notifications, one more pink ribbon bracelet sale (thank you!), and a "comment" on my blog post from my dear friend in Japan telling me basically to get off the couch....or even think about selling the couch...but basically a call to get up and out and get moving. So I'm lying in bed reading this...and another comment came in. This time on Facebook, from my friend Sandra. Another word of encouragement.
So I didn't roll over and go back to sleep. I didn't wait for Ani's text saying she got to the hospital. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on my clothes and laced up my shoes. And off I went. I have to tell you, it was beautiful out. The air was cool and scented with jasmine that's blooming all over my neighborhood. And according to mapmyrun.com my first morning walk totaled 1.13 miles! Yay me. Tomorrow I will go further!
I was trying to take in, with fresh eyes, some of the sites and goings on around me. Here's some of what I saw:
A grandma sweeping the curb while her grandson waited with his backpack for his ride to school
The fog hugging the foothills
Some beautifully manicured yards
Some very dead and not so beautiful yards...yellowed from no water? water shortage? or just lack of care?
Cactus blooming at curbside in a very unsuspecting rock garden
A car with a C-clamp clamped to its hood to hold it down while driving!
A jasmine-scented corridor where about 50 feet of my walk was permeated with this beautiful fragrance
A really old dog on his walk with his not-so-old owner
A neighbor's fence made entirely of nautical spools? Round and wooden. Very cool.
Dewdrops on roses
The white mulberry tree on the corner is starting to blossom/make berries
Crazy, vining morning glories
Pomegranate trees blooming!
And I took a few pictures...just so you believe I was there. : )
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and prayers! I am on the road to feeling better everyday! I get by with a little help from my friends!
Here's the cool cactus flower!
My neighbor, Dave's garden...always nice. That's my car in the driveway just beyond. This was as I was coming back home. You can see the foothills in fog in the background...sort of.
I don't know what ths flower is but it's a huge, drought tolerant scrub. I had heard that it's called a Mexican Rose. It's really very showy and beautiful.
I saw lots of roses with dewdrops.
And here's that incredible wall of jasmine. As I approached it, there was no fragrance...and then about 10 feet into it, you get hit! and after you pass it, the fragrance hangs in a cloud beyond it.
21 May 2011
What I've Learned from Cancer
Since I've been blogging about my cancer, I've received comments and emails from people commending me for my "positive" attitude. I've been helping another friend through this terrible disease, and that has gotten me thinking about attitude, my feelings about cancer, and coping. I wanted to share because it hasn't all been positive...at least I haven't been.
Cancer is not fun. In fact, it's downright scary. My first time around with breast cancer, I was 34 with two young children. I was NOT positive at all. In fact, when the surgeon told me that he recommended a double mastectomy, I was ready to say yes. I was not proactive at all. Moreso, I was one that just accepted her fate. My mom suggested a second opinion. I remember telling her no. "Mom, I have cancer! They want to do a double mastectomy. I've set the surgery date. I need to do this and get it over with." I was terrified, depressed, and all I could think about was living through it to be able to raise my children. My mom was the voice of reason. The woman of faith that she is, she suggested that I seek a second, if not a third, opinion. In fact, she threatened that she would be dragging me in my pj's if I didn't get up and get dressed, but we were going, and that was that. And I did. It was because of her that I didn't have to have a double mastectomy at 34. I had a lumpectomy and radiation thereapy, and was able to keep my breasts for another 18 years. That's what I needed at that time. Someone to take me by the hand - drag me if necessary - and tell me what to do!
After cancer, after the therapy, I had that invincible high. I joined the ranks of "survivors" I was able to raise my children. Life was good. And I learned a lot from my experience. And I came to the realization that there was a lesson to be learned from everything in life. There is a quote from Mother Teresa that I found recently: "I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle, I just wish He didn't trust me this much." This ties in with the lesson thing. I don't think God gives us stuff like cancer to "handle", but I do know that He trusts us with getting through it so that we can learn from it...and carry the message of hope to others. So after the cancer, I became adamant about reaching out to others with cancer, doing the breast cancer walks, helping others going through it because I've been "entrusted" with the recovery and making it through....now we carry the message forward.
I also learned a lesson in priorities. I have always thrived on chaos. My life is always "full" of too many things. But what cancer showed me back then was I needed to slow down. God had given me the gift of life and an opportunity to raise my children, and spend my days with family and friends. It was a gift and something that I needed to cherish every day. This thinking has stayed with me for the past 18 years. I still say "yes" to far too many things...that is just my nature, but each day is a blessing, and my family needs to always come first.
So that was then. This time, Round Two with breast cancer, I was better prepared. There was no fear of the unknown. Sure, I didn't know what a mastectomy/reconstruction would be about, but I had fought the battle once before - twice if you count the colon cancer, so it was more of a call to get on my armor and fight! Here's how I saw it this time:
Given: I want to live. I want to survive. I want to see Ani's graduation, her wedding....and someday, son Nareg's wedding (someday), my nephews and niece's graduations, celebrations. I want to see my children be happy, have families of their own. Okay, I knew this much. I am a woman of faith and given this, I know I am in good hands. God has NEVER left me alone...not through round one of breast cancer, not through colon cancer, not through my divorce. Those were major things. But He has also never left me alone through my day-to-day ordinary life: my jobs, my life, my financial troubles, etc. So why should I think that he would EVER leave me alone now, in my time of need? That wouldn't make sense, right? Right!
So, knowing that, I just gave it all up to God. It made absolutely no sense for me to worry about my surgery. There's nothing I would be able to do about that part. I would just have to resign myself to know that I was in the capable hands of my surgeons, guided by God. What I COULD do is start focusing on the healing. I could visualize wellness, picturing myself getting a little stronger, a little healthier every day. I could put it in my head that I WOULD make it to Ani's graduation...and I currently visualize myself there, being present and well. I can visualize myself as healthy, walking miles in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in September. The mind is an amazing thing. With the help of Christ, the healer of all, we have the power to be well!
And finally, I've learned to think of my cancer as a positive rather than a negative. Since Round One really opened my eyes in respect to my priorities and my faith, I am viewing this as a positive. What lesson is there to be learned? Is it a call to slow down? A call to take better care of myself? To spend more time doing what I truly love? Or is it a reminder of how precious family and friends are? How we are all interconnected in one another's lives....and how much we are loved. Yes to all! It's a wake-up call!
To all of us who have lived with cancer, or who are fighting the fight right now: Have faith. Believe. Trust. Learn. And then put on your armor and FIGHT!!!
Cancer is not fun. In fact, it's downright scary. My first time around with breast cancer, I was 34 with two young children. I was NOT positive at all. In fact, when the surgeon told me that he recommended a double mastectomy, I was ready to say yes. I was not proactive at all. Moreso, I was one that just accepted her fate. My mom suggested a second opinion. I remember telling her no. "Mom, I have cancer! They want to do a double mastectomy. I've set the surgery date. I need to do this and get it over with." I was terrified, depressed, and all I could think about was living through it to be able to raise my children. My mom was the voice of reason. The woman of faith that she is, she suggested that I seek a second, if not a third, opinion. In fact, she threatened that she would be dragging me in my pj's if I didn't get up and get dressed, but we were going, and that was that. And I did. It was because of her that I didn't have to have a double mastectomy at 34. I had a lumpectomy and radiation thereapy, and was able to keep my breasts for another 18 years. That's what I needed at that time. Someone to take me by the hand - drag me if necessary - and tell me what to do!
After cancer, after the therapy, I had that invincible high. I joined the ranks of "survivors" I was able to raise my children. Life was good. And I learned a lot from my experience. And I came to the realization that there was a lesson to be learned from everything in life. There is a quote from Mother Teresa that I found recently: "I know God will not give me anything I cannot handle, I just wish He didn't trust me this much." This ties in with the lesson thing. I don't think God gives us stuff like cancer to "handle", but I do know that He trusts us with getting through it so that we can learn from it...and carry the message of hope to others. So after the cancer, I became adamant about reaching out to others with cancer, doing the breast cancer walks, helping others going through it because I've been "entrusted" with the recovery and making it through....now we carry the message forward.
I also learned a lesson in priorities. I have always thrived on chaos. My life is always "full" of too many things. But what cancer showed me back then was I needed to slow down. God had given me the gift of life and an opportunity to raise my children, and spend my days with family and friends. It was a gift and something that I needed to cherish every day. This thinking has stayed with me for the past 18 years. I still say "yes" to far too many things...that is just my nature, but each day is a blessing, and my family needs to always come first.
So that was then. This time, Round Two with breast cancer, I was better prepared. There was no fear of the unknown. Sure, I didn't know what a mastectomy/reconstruction would be about, but I had fought the battle once before - twice if you count the colon cancer, so it was more of a call to get on my armor and fight! Here's how I saw it this time:
Given: I want to live. I want to survive. I want to see Ani's graduation, her wedding....and someday, son Nareg's wedding (someday), my nephews and niece's graduations, celebrations. I want to see my children be happy, have families of their own. Okay, I knew this much. I am a woman of faith and given this, I know I am in good hands. God has NEVER left me alone...not through round one of breast cancer, not through colon cancer, not through my divorce. Those were major things. But He has also never left me alone through my day-to-day ordinary life: my jobs, my life, my financial troubles, etc. So why should I think that he would EVER leave me alone now, in my time of need? That wouldn't make sense, right? Right!
So, knowing that, I just gave it all up to God. It made absolutely no sense for me to worry about my surgery. There's nothing I would be able to do about that part. I would just have to resign myself to know that I was in the capable hands of my surgeons, guided by God. What I COULD do is start focusing on the healing. I could visualize wellness, picturing myself getting a little stronger, a little healthier every day. I could put it in my head that I WOULD make it to Ani's graduation...and I currently visualize myself there, being present and well. I can visualize myself as healthy, walking miles in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in September. The mind is an amazing thing. With the help of Christ, the healer of all, we have the power to be well!
And finally, I've learned to think of my cancer as a positive rather than a negative. Since Round One really opened my eyes in respect to my priorities and my faith, I am viewing this as a positive. What lesson is there to be learned? Is it a call to slow down? A call to take better care of myself? To spend more time doing what I truly love? Or is it a reminder of how precious family and friends are? How we are all interconnected in one another's lives....and how much we are loved. Yes to all! It's a wake-up call!
To all of us who have lived with cancer, or who are fighting the fight right now: Have faith. Believe. Trust. Learn. And then put on your armor and FIGHT!!!
14 May 2011
Setting Goals - Pushing Forward
When I first got diagnosed with breast cancer this time around, everything came to a screeching halt. I had so many things going on in my life, and this was just the tip of the iceberg. One more thing to deal with...but a scary thing to deal with. I mean, it wasn't just not meeting a deadline...it was dealing with my own health/life. One of the good things about all this (and yes there is a good side) is that cancer causes you to STOP and assess your life. You really figure out what is truly important to you. You look at every day as a blessing. And you learn to weigh things out a little....keep track of your priorities.
And there's all this uncertainty. In fact, everything becomes uncertain and you lose the ability to be in control of things. Yes, your biopsy came back positive for cancer, but then you have to wait for pathology results...when? You don't know. You're in limbo, waiting for someone else to give you the news. Once you get the pathology report, then you have scheduling to deal with...more tests, surgery, hospital, labs, etc., and once again, you're not in control, but the scheduler, the insurance company, hospital, whomever is.
Because of this, I find myself setting mini goals, pushing myself to meet them. I remember when my grandmother was alive, she would do this: "God willing, I'll be alive when you graduate high school." Graduation came and went. "God willing, we'll make it to see your engagement..." Weddings, luncheons, Mother's day, celebrations, Christmas, Easter, etc.
This time around, I found myself setting the goal of my daughter's graduation. On June 12 she'll be graduating nursing school. She's speaking at her graduation, and I found myself telling each of my health care providers that we needed to do everything STAT because I had a graduation to go to and didn't have time for this! Receptionists, surgeons, anethesiologist, nurses, coworkers, insurance customer service people...everyone knew that "this mom needs to be well and present at her daughter's graduation." And they heard me, and they made it happen!
Today is May 14. Surgery was 12 days ago. And it looks like I'm going to be able to make it to graduation after all. (Hopefully, I'll be able to dress normally...still have incisions that don't make that possible.) I'm looking at life so grateful right now. I'm looking forward to being there, watching my baby reach this important milestone. I thank God for my life, and for the technology that we have available today to detect cancers. I am truly blessed. I am a two-time breast cancer survivor, and a colon cancer survivor.
And once we get to the graduation goal...there's a new goal. The breast cancer walk...and all the training/walking/fundraising. One goal to the next. One day to the next. One minute to the next. Every day, every minute, every second is a blessing and something to look forward to. Life is a blessing.
And there's all this uncertainty. In fact, everything becomes uncertain and you lose the ability to be in control of things. Yes, your biopsy came back positive for cancer, but then you have to wait for pathology results...when? You don't know. You're in limbo, waiting for someone else to give you the news. Once you get the pathology report, then you have scheduling to deal with...more tests, surgery, hospital, labs, etc., and once again, you're not in control, but the scheduler, the insurance company, hospital, whomever is.
Because of this, I find myself setting mini goals, pushing myself to meet them. I remember when my grandmother was alive, she would do this: "God willing, I'll be alive when you graduate high school." Graduation came and went. "God willing, we'll make it to see your engagement..." Weddings, luncheons, Mother's day, celebrations, Christmas, Easter, etc.
This time around, I found myself setting the goal of my daughter's graduation. On June 12 she'll be graduating nursing school. She's speaking at her graduation, and I found myself telling each of my health care providers that we needed to do everything STAT because I had a graduation to go to and didn't have time for this! Receptionists, surgeons, anethesiologist, nurses, coworkers, insurance customer service people...everyone knew that "this mom needs to be well and present at her daughter's graduation." And they heard me, and they made it happen!
Today is May 14. Surgery was 12 days ago. And it looks like I'm going to be able to make it to graduation after all. (Hopefully, I'll be able to dress normally...still have incisions that don't make that possible.) I'm looking at life so grateful right now. I'm looking forward to being there, watching my baby reach this important milestone. I thank God for my life, and for the technology that we have available today to detect cancers. I am truly blessed. I am a two-time breast cancer survivor, and a colon cancer survivor.
And once we get to the graduation goal...there's a new goal. The breast cancer walk...and all the training/walking/fundraising. One goal to the next. One day to the next. One minute to the next. Every day, every minute, every second is a blessing and something to look forward to. Life is a blessing.
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