PMPS? Or What?

You know the feeling of being bitten by an insect where you get that sting feeling followed by an itch?  And then you have that terrible need to scratch?  Now think of that same feeling, but imagine that your body was numb, so no matter how you scratch or try to remedy that the itch, it doesn't help, because the feeling is not caused by a bite on the surface of your skin, but by nerves that are damaged in your body.  This is what I've been experiencing for the past 3 days.   It's been rough.

Three days ago, I was woken up from my sleep by shooting nerve pains.  The pain started at my incision site below my underarm but deep inside.  It was so intense I didn't know what to do.  Rubbing the area was futile.  As hard as I rubbed, I still couldn't get relief since my incision areas and areas around them are numb.  That first night the itching/stabbing pain lasted about 15 minutes.  The next morning, it came back...on and off throughout the day for short bursts.  By the following evening, I was wincing in pain.  The attacks were lasting longer.  Unable to sleep, I tried an ice pack, then icy hot, then arnica gel.  Nothing worked.  Motrin.... 800 mgs.  No relief.  I got up and tried to research the net.  Googling "Terrible itching pain at incision site after mastectomy" I found a link describing my symptoms and a thread called PMPS or Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome.  As much as I found relief in reading that others were having symptoms like mine, I am still concerned that this pain is going to be chronic.  What I read stated that there was no "cure" and people were living with the pain.  Up to 30% of post mastectomy women experience this, but the medical community often dismisses it because it's nothing that can be pinpointed, and there's no cure.  

The following day, exhausted, I had to go to work.  The pain was terrible, and throughout the day in my cubicle, I found myself applying pressure to my incision site....pushing, massaging, leaning forward in my chair.  Trying everything possible to get it to stop.  I called the doctor.  "My appointment is not til the 23rd.  But I'm having this terrible pain and I can't seem to get any relief.  I wanted to call and let you know.  The doctor had said that I did have some swelling at my last appointment and I still do.  Is there anything I can take for the pain?"  The receptionist told me she'd discuss it with the surgeon and get back to me.  Fine.  After an hour she called back.  Nothing can be done.  The doctor told me that as long as the breast was not red or hot to the touch, it was okay.  Otherwise, I would just need to let it get better on its own. "The nerves have been cut, and they're regenerating."    I mentioned what I had read about PMPS, but it was dismissed.  "What if I don't get better?"  "You will."  :::shrug:::

Last night I was exhausted from pain, and lack of sleep.  I tried the heating pad on the area.  During the day I had my Rx for Norco refilled.  And today I have been taking it around the clock.  It seems to have helped a bit though it leaves my  head wonky.  I've also limited my caffeine as I read that it over stimulates the nerves and makes you more susceptible to the pain.  The attacks are not as bad though they are still there.  I've also been trying to stretch my arm out during an attack.  In my thinking, I imagine that it's "stretching the nerves" that may be rebelling or pinched or unhappy.

I wanted to post this because this pain was completely unexpected...and not explained to me as a side effect of mastectomy.  You think when you're post op, and healing that you're out of the woods...and then BAM it hits you.  And from what I read, this can be experienced even a year or two (or more) after surgery.  I also wanted to put PMPS out there, in case others are having these feelings/pain.  There's not a lot of info out there, but we're not going crazy.  That feeling of being wrapped in barbed wire is not in your head.  It's in your nerve endings and very real. 

I hope and pray that this will get better and that I do not suffer from this syndrome, but that I'm just healing.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  For now, the pain seems managed, and I'm going to try to get some sleep while I can.  

Fall Seven Times -- (One Week Post Op)

I went back to work this week -- Wait!  It was only yesterday.  Geez...okay, so you can tell how exhausting it's been....felt like Thursday.  Thankfully, I don't have a physically demanding job -- I work at a computer all day -- but still, sitting in one place and dealing with work demands has been draining.


The drain site is still sore even though the drain is out.  It's going to take time to heal.  I am still heavily bandaged...and I always forget to allow extra time to my morning/evening routine.  Changing dressings takes me an extra 10 minutes.  I was told that there can be absolutely NO PRESSURE applied to the wound site, so I have layer upon layer of gauze stacked up to help me achieve this.  
Tomorrow is my post op appointment with the surgeon.  I'm curious if he'll remove the stitches.  The Steri-Strips are still in place (they haven't fallen off yet like they said they would).  We'll see.


Another big change has been that Ani has started working the night shift at Children's Hospital.  This is going to be a "regular" thing for the next year.  I'm so used to having her around.  And now, when she's working, I don't get to see her but for an hour, when I come home and she's getting ready to leave.  We are getting creative in our texting.  I've been staying up late working on jewelry, and we'll send a text here and there at odd hours just to "check in".  But the house is quiet now, and it's a big change for me.  That, coupled with the darkness after the time change, and it's a bit gloomy.  : (


That being said though, all in all, I am feeling optimistic.  I have been thinking a lot about this past year now that we're just a couple months from the end of it.  It's been a tough ride, and 
I'm ready for the New Year to start.  But I am also grateful.  Yes, it's been a tough year...but I am alive!  I made it through, and I'm still fighting!  : )  

"Fall 7 times - stand up 8." Japanese Proverb That's it right there.  Just keep on standing up!  Keep fighting for what you believe in.  Life is precious!

On Being Honest

My blog is evolving as am I.  When I started out, the idea of Inside the Pomegranate was to promote my jewelry business, Pomegranate & Eye.  So I wrote about jewelry, and occasionally about our homeless outreach to the streets of Skid Row.  And then cancer happened, so I started writing about my feelings and dealings with colon cancer, and then breast cancer, mastectomy, reconstruction.  And then there was  the garden, and the illustrations.

Tonight is the eve of my 2nd reconstruction surgery.  Tomorrow, my surgeon will finish what he started back in May.  Surgery is on a good number line up day:  11/1/11 at 1:00 p.m.  : )   It's outpatient.  And then I'll be off work for the rest of the week.  I am not afraid....I'm beyond that now.  After undergoing so many surgeries this year, I'm okay with this one.  But there is one thing that I'm dreading, and that's the "drain" that he said I "may" have to have after surgery.  I'm going to try to think positive ....but that is really a big drag.

So back to the blog.  I was thinking about all that I've written about, and all that has yet to be written.  The cancer is almost over...and so are the illustrations.  The garden is lying dormant til the Spring.  But there is an issue that I've had to deal with my entire life and that is.....:::::drumroll:::: my weight.  And just like I thought it would be good for me to "go public" with my cancer, I think there's a need for going public with the issues that keep the weight on.  So here we are.

Over the course of the past two years, I have lost a lot of weight.  Slowly, but it has come off.  I've worked really hard at it...and now I'm at a point where I'm about 15 pounds from my goal, and I just can't seem to get that motivation.  So I joined Weight Watchers online thinking that  I would follow the program and be held "accountable" for my actions/food choices.  So I started the plan and found that during the day, I was doing great.  Logging everything that I ate, drank, etc.  But the evenings were a different story all together.  That's when the snack monster wakes up.  But here's the deal.

It would be okay with me if I snacked and accounted for it.  But what happened over the course of this first week is that I found myself "cheating" on my accountability.  There would be nothing wrong with eating something if I wanted to eat it.  But what's got me is that I gave in on a number of times, and didn't want to log it...or didn't want to be "honest" with how many points or what I ate.  So what's that about?  Why this need to be perfect to myself?  I mean, no one else sees my food journal.  No one in my household cares whether I have a cookie or not.  Isn't the whole idea of writing down our intake so that WE have a look at what we're doing?

Anyways, you get the idea.  It is really bothering me and so I thought I would work on it here, on the blog, and be honest with it.  Do any of you struggle with this?  If so, I'd love to hear from you.  I am going to focus this week, on being honest with myself.  It's going to be a tough one as I'll be home recuperating from surgery this week, so the temptation will be there.  But so will you.

Taking Steps toward Fitness, Wellness and Fighting Cancer

I wanted to share this article with you from guest blogger, David Haas.  It's about the benefits of fitness & eating healthy during and after a diagnosis of any kind of cancer.  We all know that each type of cancer has its limtations, but if we can keep a healthy body, we have a better chance of overcoming this awful disease. 


I was encouraged to post this, tonight especially, because I just returned from our Kick Off Meeting for Team In Her Shoes.  Those in attendance saw the benefits of "getting up and getting our move on!" in order to help against the fight for cancer and enthusiastically signed up for the walk.  


Although there are only a couple survivors on our team (me being one), we all discussed how cancer has touched ALL our lives. So we've committed to walking in next year's 39 mile Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.  And we've committed to getting healthy along the way.  It's a great combination: A great cause, a commitment to eat right, and MOVE!  A win/win!  There are, at this time, 15 of us signed up for Team In Her Shoes! I am blessed to be in the company of such caring and compassionate women and men. 
Here is David Haas' article!  Feel free to leave your comments!

Exercise and Fitness for Cancer Patients

If you are suffering from cancer or undergoing cancer treatment, it is crucial that you keep working your muscles as much as possible. Usually cancer patients require a lot of bed rest and this can weaken muscles, stiffen joints, cause breathing problems, and result in mental changes.

That National Cancer Institute recommends moderate exercise, such as walking every day for 30 minutes, as it helps reduce fatigue, pain, nausea, diarrhea, anxiety and depression associated with the treatment and disease. Exercise also helps to enhance mood, reduce the chances of recurrence, and helps to increase survivability. However, before you embark on an exercise routine, consult your oncologist.

The oncologist takes into account the patient's fitness level before the diagnosis, the current energy levels, the type of cancer the patient is suffering from and the treatment he/she is undergoing before developing an exercise regimen. To start with, the exercise can be just simple stretching exercises that help to exercise joints. These can be performed in bed by the patient without help from someone, or by the caregiver. Gradually, as the patient feels stronger, the exercise may get more vigorous, such as walking, swimming or cycling. Exercise also helps cancer patients combat the side effects of cancer therapies and increases the feeling of well-being. However, the patients should not overexert themselves or they risk other complications.

Whether a patient is suffering from breast cancer or an uncommon disease like mesothelioma, exercise will benefit that person in different forms.

It is best to start exercising as soon as possible after cancer diagnosis and treatment. Studies show that cancer patients tend to slow down after diagnosis. Fatigue, depression, anxiety and feeling nauseated from the disease or treatment make patients less active. And, most patients end up leading a sedentary life. However, to combat these side effects of the disease and treatment, exercise is a must; and it also helps in the recovery process.

Since every patient is different, a different set of exercises is recommended. Cancer survivors benefit from weight training and aerobics, while cancer patients should try doing flexibility exercises initially before moving to more vigorous exercises. It is best to opt for activities that you enjoy and it may also help to exercise with another person, who has the same fitness level as you. Working with an exercise buddy will help keep you motivated.

However, if fatigue overtakes you, it is advisable to rest for some time rebuilt your energy levels. Then attempt to do the exercise again, but slowly.

While the benefits of exercise for cancer patients are immense, it can also result in strains, soreness and sprains. So, be careful while doing the exercises. At the same time, no patient goes through cancer treatment to spend time lying on the bed. Talk to your oncologist today and set an exercise regimen that you can do every day, or at least 5 days a week.

The Walk of Hope

We walked this weekend.  And walked, and walked and walked some more.  Went to bed  in our sleeping bags stiff and sore, and got up and walked again...until we walked a total of 39.3 miles! We walked because we couldn't not walk.  We walked for those who couldn't walk.  We walked for those who are battling cancer now, those who are survivors.  And we walked in memory of those who have lost the battle.  We walked for the poor...those who can't afford health care and mammograms. And together, we raised $4.6 million.

It was emotional.  And empowering.  Just 4 months ago, I was diagnosed for a second time, with breast cancer.  18 years ago, when I received the first diagnosis, I thought someone had pulled the rug out from under me.  I was 34, a mother of two. This time around, I knew I would make it.  Sure, there's the initial fear, but I am so much stronger now.   Back then, life was so uncertain.  Now, I know that life IS uncertain and things can change from day to day.  Life is fragile.  But we deal with it.  There are no guarantees.  So we walk when we can.  We try to make the difference.  And we try to be the change that we want to see in the world.

This was a milestone year.  Colon cancer, breast cancer, Ani's graduation from nursing school.  We had to walk.  It was a celebration of life.  Of being alive, of being WELL.  Not only physically, but mentally.  We made it through.  All of us.  Together.  Holding each other up.  One day at a time.

The idea of the walk is to take your time.  To learn the stories of those around you.  To take it all in.  Every walker has their style.  Along the walk, you meet all kinds of walkers.  Those that like to cheer.  Those that need to talk every step of the way.  The singers.  Those that follow their group.  There are those that need to be noticed, with outrageous costumes, and crazy wigs.  And there are those that like to walk alone.  Meditative and quiet.  Ani and I are quiet walkers.  We talk a bit, when there's something to talk about.  We point out beauty around us - a pretty door, a beautiful flower, a perfect spider web.  But we are just content to walk side by side in quiet.  I love this.

We were a sea of pink.  Some 1,800 of us.  Mostly women, but men as well.  All walking to make a difference.   To fill a void, to remember a mom or a sister, a wife.  We walked near a man who was walking for his wife....she was a 10 year survivor.  She had walked as much as she could that day and took the shuttle back to the wellness village.  But he kept walking.  For her.  We walked with a woman named Phyllis for a while.  She told me she was walking, "slow and steady...at my own pace."  I didn't want to invade her space, but then she opened up.  "Y'know...in the South, during civil rights times, we would have to walk.  We didn't have cars...we'd walk everywhere.  It makes me remember."  The walking connects us.  We are all walking as one.  A pink sign reads, "None of us are as powerful as ALL of us."  We are powerful.  A sea of pink.

At the Finish Line - 39.3 miles

There are hours that go by.  That first day, we walked for 10 hours.    I prayed while I walked. I was thankful for the day, for being well enough. Thankful for my family, my support system.  Thankful for medical care.  And thankful for those who walked in my shoes before I ever got diagnosed all those years back.  For those that funded the research so that I can walk today.  Yes, it was hard.  After walking all those miles, you start to hurt.  You know you have blisters, but you also know that if you take off your shoes, you'll never get them back on.  So you walk through it.  And pray.   One foot in front of the other.  And you remember.  Like Phyllis, remembering the days of the past.    I remembered my grandparents who were marched through the desert during the genocide and I called on their strength.  I had a choice.  They didn't.  I could stop, but I didn't.  We choose to walk.  Because we can. Because we CAN'T  not walk.  It's the walk of Hope.

Small Test, Big Results!!!

Just got the good news!  I am NOT a carrier of the Breast Cancer gene!  After a week of trying to get a hold of my doctor, she called today with the blood test results.  "Your blood workup came back negative...and completely normal!"  What a relief.

Since my bout with colon cancer, and then round two of breast cancer, my medical team has been advising that I get tested.  My insurance approved it and off I went for what appeared to be a simple blood test. But this small test is HUGE...because it goes all the way down to the DNA level to see if you are a carrier of this mutation..not just in your recent family history, but way, way back.  The American Cancer Institute says it this way:


A woman’s lifetime risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer is greatly increased if she inherits a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. Such a woman has an increased risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer at an early age (before menopause) and often has multiple, close family members who have been diagnosed with these diseases. Harmful BRCA1 mutations may also increase a woman’s risk of developing cervical, uterine, pancreatic, and colon cancer (1, 2). Harmful BRCA2 mutations may additionally increase the risk of pancreatic cancer, stomach cancer, gallbladder and bile duct cancer, and melanoma (3).


The likelihood that a breast and/or ovarian cancer is associated with a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 is highest in families with a history of multiple cases of breast cancer, cases of both breast and ovarian cancer, one or more family members with two primary cancers (original tumors that develop at different sites in the body), or an Ashkenazi (Central and Eastern European) Jewish background (see Question 6). However, not every woman in such families carries a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation, and not every cancer in such families is linked to a harmful mutation in one of these genes. Furthermore, not every woman who has a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation will develop breast and/or ovarian cancer.


According to estimates of lifetime risk, about 12.0 percent of women (120 out of 1,000) in the general population will develop breast cancer sometime during their lives compared with about 60 percent of women (600 out of 1,000) who have inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 (4, 5). In other words, a woman who has inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 is about five times more likely to develop breast cancer than a woman who does not have such a mutation.

As you can see, the ramifications of a positive test are many in nature.  My main concern, of course, was the possibility of being a carrier and what this would mean for my daughter, my sister, my nieces.  This is why it was/and IS so important to get tested if your doctor feels there's just cause.  My father would say, "Knowledge is power."  And I've always been one to want to know what's going on...especially within my body.  Given my medical history of breast cancer at age 34, ovarian cyst (removed as precaution since I had cancer at a young age), gallbladder surgery, colon cancer and then breast cancer again, they doctors felt there was just cause.

But this story has a happy ending!  I'm not a carrier.  And I'm breathing a sigh of relief....for my daughter, for my future grandchildren : ), for my family.  Life is good!

Healing from the Inside Out

Yesterday, in training for next week's walk, Ani and I mapped our course and set out to "Walk to Lunch" at our favorite coffee shop in Glendale  - Foxy's.  We live in Sunland.  The route consisted of walking uphill about 3 miles (next week's walk touts 13 miles of hills), into La Cresenta, through Montrose and down into Glendale.  One of the things about training for a walk is the hours of time it takes to prepare.  Considering we're walking about 3.2 miles per hour, a 15 mile walk like this one consumes 5 hours of time.  And Foxy's is 15.5 miles from our home.  This to me is viewed as the downside.  My Saturdays are my only "catch up" day...housework, shopping, cooking, cleaning. 

We started our journey around 8:00 a.m.  Thankful for the overcast weather -- a nice change from the triple digits of last week.  Walking with one's best friend is always pleasurable.  When that best friend also happens to be your daughter, it's a double blessing.  And while we walked, we talked about her new job, what's going on at my work, what I need to get done on an illustration job I'm working on, health issues, family issues.  All of it.  This is the beauty of walking.  It allows you to talk.  To have more than a 140 character conversation....it takes time. 

And while we were walking, I started thinking about how far I had come.  I mentioned to Ani, "My surgery was only 4 months ago."  Her response:  "Yes.  And you need to remember that!"  So true.  It seems like it's been a long time, yet, only 4 months ago, I underwent a mastectomy and reconstruction with a tram flap procedure.  Not easy.  And here I am, walking.  I also thought about years past.  I have always done the Avon Walks  no matter what size I have been.  I am doing it this year 72 pounds lighter than 2 years ago...about 15 pounds lighter than last year.  And the difference in great.  Less stress on my knees, less blisters while walking, less aches and pains, and the hills are not as difficult as they once were.  I remember when I started on this weight loss journey almost two years ago.  I had gone to see a nutritionist...and I had also gone to see a cardiologist who did some echo studies of my heart.  I only lasted 9 minutes on the treadmill that day, and then I got to see my heart as it recovered from the stress.  Seeing my heart there on the screen was an epiphany to me.  And thinking about it today, I still get teary eyed.  I was looking at this amazing organ in my body....beating, like it had beat for the past 50 years, every day, day in and day out, never stopping.  And what had I done for it?  Abused it.  Neglected it.  Ignored it.  And yet it kept up.  Beating.  Giving me life.  That was the beginning of the journey.  After seeing my heart, I couldn't go back to my old ways and so huge lifestyle changes were made.  Less food, more exercise, changing up the proteins vs. carbs.

And I am healing inside as well.  We were talking about that yesterday.  People are nicer to you when you're thinner.  But I think that I am a nicer person as well.  I am not as judgmental.  Which I think was a defense mechanism for my judgment on myself...and others' judgment of me.  I have walked in the shoes of the obese and entered the medical category of "overweight" now.  (Believe me..this was a big milestone for me.)  I think what happens is that when we are down on ourselves the guilt and shame that we feel for the lack of discipline in our lives, turns outward and turns into criticism toward others who seem to have it under control. 

Today is 9/11.  Everyday is a day of forgiveness in the life of a Christian.  Today marks the 10th anniversary of a day that changed all our lives.  I remember the months after that terrible day.  We saw a more united America.  There were flags flying, and the country banded together - an unstoppable force.  As we "healed", those patriotic feelings dwindled, and now it feels as if the country is more divided than ever.  In order to heal, we need to work from the inside out.  We need to heal ourselves first -- abusing the system, neglecting our responsibilities, judging others.  We heal from the inside out -- removing the log from our own eyes before seeing the speck in others.  I have a lot of hope for this world and for our beautiful country.  The lives that were lost on that tragic day will always be remembered.  But in order to move on, we need to forgive.  Forgive ourselves and others.  Pray for our enemies.  Pray not only for our country, but for the World which we are all a part of.

A Day for Doctor's Appointments - progress update

Yesterday was my Doctor's appointment day.  I took the day off work to schedule all my appointments in one day and get them over with.  There were some glitches with insurance authorization, and wrong coding, but I made it through.  It was exhausting.  Here's the update on my health both with my breast cancer and general health and weight loss. 

Appointment 1:  Genetic Testing for the BRCA gene.  My insurance approved me for genetic testing after my second time with Breast Cancer and given that I had also had colon cancer.  The test is very important because it determines if you are a carrier of the breast cancer gene or if your cancer was just some random fluke.  The test is nothing more than a blood test, but they test down to your DNA so the lab work up is quite extensive.  I will post the results as soon as I'm made aware, but I don't know who will contact me with them.  My primary doctor or my oncologist. 

Appointment 2:  Consultation with the surgeon for post op check and to discuss part 2 of the breast reconstruction.  Everything went well.  Doctor B was really happy with my progress.  I have been feeling "thicker" around the waist/rib area.  He said this was a natural byproduct of the tram flap procedure but said as far as results go, I was doing really well.  We discussed the reconstruction.  I have an area of scar tissue (near the right outer side of the reconstructed breast), and I have an area of necrosis (less circulation of blood flow so causes a hardened area) on the right inner portion.  During the time of the reconstruction, he will cut around the old incision site (areola) and reshape the necrotic area.  The scar tissue will remain.  And then he will create a nipple.  This is all going to happen some time in October, which is good for me.  I'll be done with the Avon Walk, and it's before the holidays.  It's an outpatient procedure and will require 2-3 days out of work.  I asked about drains.  Will I have to have drains?  (Hate those!), but he said it was doubtful, but not an impossibility.  So I'm keeping my fingers cross.  He will dictate the report and we'll wait for insurance approval.

Appointment 3:  My regular doctor.  Check up. I wanted to talk to her about my weight.  I have been working very hard for almost 2 years now on weight loss.  I had lost 92 pounds...and then once I had my tram flap surgery, I couldn't exercise, bend, etc.   Basically all I did was sit around recuperating....and, well, eating.  And the pounds started creeping back.  So I'm 18 pounds heavier than I was.  Despite all the walking in training that I'm doing, eating right, etc...the pounds are just at a standstill.  So I wanted her input.   I love Dr. M.  She said I may have been thinner back in February, but I was also at that weight because I had been sick with gallbladder issues etc...and to not be so hard to myself.  She was very happy with my progress and the fact that I had been maintaining (I wish I were as happy).  We decided that I would need to be more disciplined, and write down everything I ate.  She asked, "Could it be that you're taking more than you think?"  Anything is possible.  :::shrug:::   I'm walking a lot...so the exercise is not a factor.  But she suggested that I ask Dr. B if it's okay to go back to my yoga class or to the gym.  Anyways, the plan is to write it all down and try to cut back 200 calories daily...and then reassess in 4 weeks' time.  I also have general fatigue from everything.  I get tired more readily just doing what I used to do normally. She said this was due to having 3 major surgeries in 6 months.  Okay.  I get it.

After three appointments (and no coffee in the morning), I was exhausted.  Special thanks to my daughter Ani for coming with me.  She always makes the worst situations better.

At Least There are Sunflowers

I haven't blogged in a long while.  I've gone back to work, back to jewelry making, I'm starting to go back to my drawings now, and life in general.  I've been walking....and walking....getting ready for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer which is now only 50 days away.  Eeeps!  You know that Ani graduated, but since my last writing, she has taken her NCLEX (nursing license exam) and passed and is now a full R.N.  My son Nareg turned 30 - a wonderful occasion to see how my little boy has grown into a man (and a kind, compassionate one at that!)  I really have a lot to be thankful for.  But then there's the garden.

There's a lesson to be learned here, and I'm trying to figure out what it is.  Remember how adamant I was about digging and getting the garden ready before my surgery?  That was a little over 3 months ago.  I worked for a week, digging and weeding, turning in new soil and planting.  It was all set.   And for a while it was good.  The peas did well (see previous blog posts), and I harvested quite a bit, but the weather got warmer and the plants maxed out. 

But what about the other stuff?  The tomatoes, the squash and cucumbers?  The peppers and green beans.  Pffffffffttt!  I don't know what happened.  Whereas my sister Susan is sharing mammoth sized zucchini with me, I have not had one.  My coworkers are bringing in bumper crops of tomatoes, I have maybe picked a handful of golf-ball sized thick-skinned tomatoes.  I had one really good green pepper...and just picked two half sized red ones (I left them on the plant thinking they'd get bigger...they just got red...:::shrug:::).  One eggplant.  One small yellow squash.  No cucumbers.  I have watered and weeded, and put in my time.  So what's up?  No clue.  I do know that I have a possum that comes out at night and if I don't harvest my tomatoes in time, he'll help himself to them...but that's not it.

What I DO have though, are sunflowers.  They are just getting ready to bloom.  I had planted them around the border of my garden (so they wouldn't block the sprinkler spray and deprive my veggies of water).  They are magnificent.  Tall and strong, turning their faces toward the sun.  A reminder of God's beauty and artistry.

I have an army of them.  A source of joy when I go out and look at my otherwise failing garden.  I have been thinking about this lately, because yes, I am disappointed with my garden...but how can I be when I have something so amazing right there in front of my eyes?

And I thought about what I've been through over the past several months.  Before being diagnosed, I had worked on getting healthy.  Losing weight, eating right, exercising.  I had put in my time to make myself a healthier person.  Despite all this effort, I was diagnosed first with colon cancer, and then with breast cancer.  I underwent surgeries.  I recuperated.  I followed doctor's orders.  And I, thank God, am well.  I may not be "thriving" yet...but I'm doing okay.  Giving off a tomato here, and a pepper there (metaphorically speaking, of course.)  But still, I'm doing okay, y'know?  But oh, the SUNFLOWERS!  They're the blessings in my life:  my children, my family, God's presence, my ability to help others, compassion, peace, and love.  They are more than thriving.  They are starting to BLOOM.  This is what is bringing me JOY.

I am thankful for all the parts of my garden.  The ability to even have a space to have a garden.  The strength that I enjoy to work in the garden.  The blessing of having clean water in pipes that flow to water my garden.  And even for the disappointments of failed crops.  And I'm definitely thankful for the SUNFLOWERS!  Reminders of God's presence in my life and the gifts that I am so richly rewarded with.

The Post-Op Garden, Goals, & Miracles



My Garden - Six Weeks Post Op

 Back in April, with my upcoming surgery looming in the future, I set out to dig up and plant my garden.  Remember?  It took days of cleaning up the plot, pulling out the devil grass and weeds, adding new soil, watering, planting.  I knew that in the weeks to come, I wouldn't be able to dig.  Or bend.  Or use my arm.  My goal was to plant my garden before I had my mastectomy...so that all I'd need to do in the days after surgery is turn on the sprinkler and water.  And it happened.  This is a photo of my garden today...six weeks post op.  Time flew by.  A goal was set six weeks ago.  Now I'm looking at a garden that is thriving, growing, full of life.
Back in March when I got diagnosed with breast cancer round two, I knew there were things that I'd need to do to prepare for surgery.  I set another goal. 

Ani & I on graduation day - Six weeks post op

With Ani's upcoming graduation in June, I needed to make sure that I was well enough to attend this very important milestone.  In order to make it, there were things I needed to do: set my goal in my head and tell myself (okay, convince myself) that YES, I would be there at graduation with the cancer behind me.  Once I convinced myself, I needed to make it happen by making sure my healthcare team knew my intent.  So everyone involved knew I had a graduation to go to.  I think this helped tremendously as the team then became involved in my goal.  Not only were they trying to remove cancer from my body, they were working to get this mom to her daughter's graduation!  And it happened! Thank God, I am thriving. 

Like my garden, there are changes that are taking place every day.  Some are too subtle to see, even for me.  I am six weeks post op from breast cancer.  I am healing and will continue to heal for months to come.  My incisions are closed.  The bruising is almost all gone.  There is still soreness, especially under my arm and numbness throughout the breast and abdomen.  Phase two of reconstruction will happen in a few months so I'm not finished yet.  But I'm back to work.  I'm starting to be able to bend again (watch out weeds!)  And we are walking...training for Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in September (39 miles in two days!)

The other day, as I stood looking at my scars, I was commenting to Ani on what an amazing job my surgeon did.  Her comment to me was, "You know what's more amazing?  Your body's ability to heal.  The surgeon did the surgery; but it's your body that's doing all the healing."  Never thought of it that way. 

All of life is a miracle.  The idea that you can put a seed in the ground, water it, and with the help of good soil and sunshine, it will grow to a beautiful flower, or a juicy tomato.  Then there's the miracle of our daughters and sons, growing from babies to insightful, loving, caring adults.  The healing of our bodies.  The fulfillment of our dreams.  All of life.  Miracles.

Post Op Peppers



Post Op Peas



The Garden, Doing Too Much Too Soon & Silver Poms

Yesterday was a good day.  I walked two miles in the morning, came home and sanded and shaped the silver pomegranates, was pretty good about my non-snacking goals (except for the afternoon Oprah sunflower seed extravaganza!), and walked a third mile when my brother came to visit.  It was bra day, and it felt good to have that extra support, to feel normal again.  Today, not so much.  : (   By evening, I was out of my clothes and into my jammies by 6:00.  Just needed to do nothing -- after I torch fired the pomegranates (there's always something to do).  It's hard to explain.  I wasn't "sleepy" tired, but my body was tired...and complaining.  My abdomen (which I didn't really feel had the right to complain since all we did was walk!), was sore...like I had done sit ups all day.  My new breast, after being loosely bound, was tender and achey.  I haven't been taking pain meds for over a week now, but it warranted meds.  "I" didn't feel like I was doing too much too soon, but I guess my body had another opinion.

So this morning, I decided to forego the walk.  Actually, my friend Sugar asked if I'd like to meet her for a walk in Montrose this evening, so I'll get in a short walk (emphasis on "short").  So it's a lazy morning (as far as exercise is concerned).  I slept in til about 8:30.  Made coffee and wire brushed the pomegranates that I had fired last night, and they are happily tumbling in the tumbler in the kitchen for the next few hours. 

My mom is coming over today.  She's bringing lunch.  Despite my insisting that I could fix us something here, that I had food, that I was able to get up and about, and that I am trying to eat healthy, etc.  "I'll bring something light."  God bless her.  Our time together is cherished.   The plan is that we will watch the final Oprah show together.  : )

And finally, this morning, I went out to put the sprinklers on the garden.  It was just a few short weeks ago, pre-surgery, that I was turning the soil, adding organic mix to my terrible dirt, watering, prepping the garden and planting because I KNEW that I wouldn't be able to dig for a few months.  Well, the garden is doing really well, and I thought I'd put up some pics to show progress.  I have tomatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, chinese peas, green beans, cucumbers, bell peppers, eggplant and a sunflowers around the border of the garden.  Nothing is harvestable yet, but it's looking good.  I need to weed (as the crabgrass is coming in again, but I can't bend.  So maybe I can do it with that little "grabber" tool that my mom bought me??  I wonder?

Before you check out the photos though, I just wanted to add a request.  I know there are a lot of you that are reading my blog.  I really appreciate all the great comments on Facebook, Twitter, etc.  I was wondering if you might consider following my blog?  Just because I like knowing who's reading (nosy that I am.)

Okay, here are the photos.  Have a beautiful day today....and remember to listen to your body and don't do too much!  : )

The garden monsters (notice the crabgrass peaking in)

The Chinese peas are starting to climb

I have bell peppers forming!



The full view, sort of.  with the new pepper and tomato plant that I'll ask Neddy to plant this weekend.  Notice the sunflowers that are about 5" high all the way down the right and in the front bottom.





A Little Help from My Friends

My daughter Ani leaves for her hospital rotations pretty early in the morning.  I always like for her to tell me she's leaving (if I'm not up), and also to let me know she's made it to the hospital by texting me when she gets there.   I know, I know...it's a bit overprotective, but it's what we do.  Anyways,  because I wrote that post last night, I was in the mode of "thinking" about taking a walk at some time today.

When Ani left this morning,  I looked at my blackberry at my bedside.  The usual email notifications, one more pink ribbon bracelet sale (thank you!), and a "comment" on my blog post from my dear friend in Japan telling me basically to get off the couch....or even think about selling the couch...but basically a call to get up and out and get moving.  So I'm lying in bed reading this...and another comment came in.  This time on Facebook, from my friend Sandra.  Another word of encouragement. 

So I didn't roll over and go back to sleep.  I didn't wait for Ani's text saying she got to the hospital. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on my clothes and laced up my shoes.  And off I went.  I have to tell you, it was beautiful out.  The air was cool and scented with jasmine that's blooming all over my neighborhood.  And according to mapmyrun.com my first morning walk totaled 1.13 miles!  Yay me.  Tomorrow I will go further!

I was trying to take in, with fresh eyes, some of the sites and goings on around me.  Here's some of what I saw:

A grandma sweeping the curb while her grandson waited with his backpack for his ride to school
The fog hugging the foothills
Some beautifully manicured yards
Some very dead and not so beautiful yards...yellowed from no water?  water shortage? or just lack of care?
Cactus blooming at curbside in a very unsuspecting rock garden
A car with a C-clamp clamped to its hood to hold it down while driving!
A jasmine-scented corridor where about 50 feet of my walk was permeated with this beautiful fragrance
A really old dog on his walk with his not-so-old owner
A neighbor's fence made entirely of nautical spools?  Round and wooden.  Very cool. 
Dewdrops on roses
The white mulberry tree on the corner is starting to blossom/make berries
Crazy, vining morning glories
Pomegranate trees blooming!

And I took a few pictures...just so you believe I was there.  : )
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and prayers!  I am on the road to feeling better everyday!  I get by with a little help from my friends!

Here's the cool cactus flower!

My neighbor, Dave's garden...always nice.  That's my car in the driveway just beyond.  This was as I was coming back home.  You can see the foothills in fog in the background...sort of.

I don't know what ths flower is but it's a huge, drought tolerant scrub.  I had heard that it's called a Mexican Rose.  It's really very showy and beautiful.

I saw lots of roses with dewdrops.

And here's that incredible wall of jasmine.  As I approached it, there was no fragrance...and then about 10 feet into it, you get hit!  and after you pass it, the fragrance hangs in a cloud beyond it. 





It's time to get off the couch

I can tell I'm starting to feel better because I'm starting to get critical about myself, (sad but true).  It's been three weeks since surgery.  I haven't been able to bend or move my right arm normally.....I haven't been able to exercise at all, and I can't do anything that would use my ab muscles because of the mesh that's healing inside me and the incision itself.  Prior to surgery, about three weeks, I was rushing for tests, biopsies, appointments and exercise took a back burner to life and it's complexities.  So it's been a couple months of no yoga.  And in February, I had a colectomy (resection of the colon due to colon cancer). so no exercise then.  And I'm starting to feel schlubby.

But I need to do something.  The inactivity is making me gain weight  (7 pounds since surgery!)...that and the "being home" factor.  The doctor says I am still swollen and that is the reason for the gain, and I feel that, yes.  But I also feel more jiggly.  Those of you who know me, now how hard I've worked over the past year and a half to lose weight, so you can maybe understand my panic.

So tomorrow is Monday.  The plan is to get dressed and take a walk.  I don't know how far I'll be able to go, but I don't have to rush...I can take my time, but I've got to start moving again, and walking is something that I can do.  Let the training begin!

Healing...

Yesterday I had my last drain removed.  Yay!  You don't know what a big deal that is as far as getting dressed.  For the first time, I didn't have a tube sticking out of my waist, or a pouch hanging off my neck.  Freedom!  The drain levels were still a little high, but Dr. Berger felt we could remove it with a warning of, "If you feel like you're accumulating fluid inside you....or if you feel a sloshing inside your abdomen, you need to come in and we'll have to aspirate it."  Ewww.  I asked if maybe we should keep the drain in a little longer then?  I don't know, the idea of having to aspirate fluid with a needle to the abdomen....not nice.  But he felt it should be okay.  So out it came.

I could feel ever inch of the tubing as all 12" - 15" or so came out of my body.  Terrible feeling.  Not painful, just eery.  Like a tail whipping through your body from the inside.  They put a gauze over the drain site, told me it may drain on its own for a couple days and hopefully all will be okay.  The advice was to go buy some compression undergarments to keep everything supported.  I asked if I could drive.  He said he didn't see why not since I'm no longer on the Vicodin, so I got the okay for driving.  Not that I'm going anywhere, mind you....I still can't wear a bra (which means still can't dress normally), but the idea that I can if  I wanted to, is good enough for me.

And when can I wear a bra (now that we're on the subject).  Starting next week.  Why am I sharing this?  In case there are any of you out there reading that are going through, or going to go through, you've gotta know, right?  Okay, so three weeks out, I can start wearing a loose-fitting (circumfence-wise) bra.  This is because the blood flow to the reconstructed breast has to remain good...so no tight-fitting clothing. 

I asked about the pain I've been feeling...the hypersensitive areas, and the numbness.  Both are normal.  He explained that my skin has been traumatized by the reconstruction, so the nerves are all regenerating, and the skin is regaining it's blood flow.  The numbness is because of the extensive abdominal surgery when they moved the muscle/skin/fat UNDERNEATH my skin, and tunneled it up to create the breast.  So again, nerves severed, reconnected.  It was going to take time....meaning months...for things to get back to normal.   The doctor recommended a homeopathic cream called Arnica that would help with the healing/brusing.

On the way back from the doctor we went to Target to buy the compression undergarments...and to Whole Foods for the Arnica cream which I bought in gel and cream form.  I have to say that it has been helping, just a bit...but it's better than taking Tylenol for it, which was pointless. 

I was surprised as to how much drainage was still going on, but the compression has been helping a lot and this morning, everything seems to have slowed down.  ::phew::

Sooo....I'm home...and trying to clean house a little.  Not very easy when you can't bend too well.  But I'm trying to do what I can.    Everyday gets a little better.  My next doctor's appointment is not for another four weeks!

Oh!  And Dr. Berger said it's good for me to walk.  Ani and I told him we had signed up for the Avon Walk in September....he said, "Great...just don't walk ten miles tomorrow....but start training, just don't go crazy".  : )

So if you'd like to support us:  http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk/LosAngeles?px=2246507&pg=personal&fr_id=2060    Only 121 days left!

About Sharing...

I've been  off work for two weeks now.  Being that I'm not a big TV watcher, this gives me a lot of time to think.  I've been thinking a lot lately about cancer, illness, the beauty of prayer and friendship, blogging, going public, and sharing.  It was really a big decision for me to "go public" with my breast cancer, putting it up here on the blog page.  But I'm really glad that I did it.  It's really been helping me to write down my emotions, thoughts, even just my day to day here on these pages and sharing them. 

I'm usually a pretty private person.  I share, but I share with those that I am super close with:  my family and perhaps one or two close friends.  In the beginning I didn't want to share with everyone, because I was afraid of negativity, suggestions, and the worst part - having to discuss the same thing over and over with various people.  But the reaction I've gotten to going public has been so opposite what I thought:   have gotten only positive feedback.  I've have received encouragement and prayers from readers, and because people are informed of the day-to-day online, my fear of having to repeat the gorey details over and over just hasn't come to fruitition.

Cancer is scary.  As much positivity as you may have, and as much faith as you may have, there is still the reality that you are not in control.  Having faith means that you don't let the fear control you; but it still doesn't mean that you have control of the illness.  And that's difficult....especially for someone who likes to be in control, like me. 

Sharing all this has been helping me.  Telling people has been good.  Sharing.  It's not just sharing on a happy level.  It's sharing on all levels:  sad, discouraged, frightened, joyful, hopeful.  I'm normally a pretty "up" person.  But I do have my days (as you all know).  Sharing lets everyone in on those days too...something that I wouldn't normally share, but something that is definitely part of me as well.  And this is good.  It's good for me to see that  I can share this part of me, and still have people around that encourage me and cheer me on. 

So I thank you all....for letting me share.  For your encouragement, your prayers, your comments (which I love).  Thank you for helping me through all this.  And for sharing my sharing with others.

Back from the Doctor - Good News!

Two doctor's appointments today, both great!  Thank God!

Doctor Carvajal gave me the good news.  There is no residual cancer - they got it all.  And he was able to remove another 7 lymph nodes during surgery and all 7 came back negative for cancer!  And I have a 95% chance of total cure!  Yay! 

Doctor Berger said everything looks to be healing really well.  He was able to remove two of the three drains, and the best news...I can shower!!!  Woohooo!!!  Everything is looking good.  He said the healing is going to take time.  Maybe we can have the third drain out by Friday, if not, early next week.  No lifting still because a mesh was put in the abdomen where the muscle was taken out, and that will take time to heal.  And I got the okay to walk...though not too far yet.

It was a really good day (despite the discouraging start....did I really write that post this morning?) Thank you everyone, for all the prayers and love!  God is good...always.

First Night Home

I'm moving slow.  Getting in and out of bed is tough.  Sleeping in one position all night, propped up, is a killer on the back.  The tram flap procedure of reconstruction tunneled muscle and fat up to the reconstruction site.  "Tunneled" ...weird.  And painful.  I am numb from the new breast through the chest area.  Bending at the waist is impossible.  My abs are sore, and the tape from the bandages is itchy and irritating.  My tummy is bandaged...I haven't seen that yet.

On the positive side, I'm walking better...not so slow, not so hunched over.  I go to Dr. Berger's office tomorrow to get the pain packs removed (two less tubes!  yay!!....and no more purse o' meds to carry around).  But what am I supposed to wear?  Right now I have PJ  bottoms on, a tshirt with three drain (grenades) pinned to hang from it.  It's hot out.  Sweats and sweatshirt is not going to do it.  A dress with the drains underneath?  Maybe.  It's only for another week or so.