Teaching Compassion and Christian Responsibility

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and we're only three weeks away from Christmas.  I hope you all had a blessed day filled with love and family.  Did you remember to relax and breathe when dealing with the day?  Did you do okay with the food situation?  Or did you resign yourself to the day and show up in your sweat pants with the elastic waistband??  The good news is:  that was only ONE day out of 365.  So if you happened to indulge a little more than you should have...okay a LOT more than you should have.. it's okay.  Today is a new day and a chance to start fresh.  Don't do what I used to do:  Mentally, Monday is always the first day of the week, right?  So my best intentions used to always be saved for Monday.  The new diet would start at the first of the week.  By  Wednesday, it had gone by the wayside....and then of course, Wednesday is almost the weekend, and everyone knows you can't start a diet on the weekend...and you know, Monday was right around the corner, and that's the day to start.  So essentially, dieting 2 days a week, and getting ready to diet for the other five.  I can laugh at it now...but thinking about that way of thinking....madness.  Can you relate? I know you know what I'm talking about!

My Thanksgiving day was wonderful.  I've been sharing my gratitude list with you for a couple of weeks now.  If you're just here for the first time, I've been writing down 5 things a day that I am grateful for.  I continued it up to Thanksgiving and I'm still doing it now, almost a week afterward, because it is such a great exercise in raising my consciousness about all that I have.  By the time Thanksgiving day rolled around on Thursday, I was so emotional about all that I had been blessed with.  I heart  felt so "open" and I just had the best day.  Throughout the day I was reminded of these blessings and it just added to my wonderful day.  Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, I am still in tune to the blessings.  I'm still doing my five a day! So what are today's five?
Today, I am grateful for...

1. The great podcasts that are out there that make my morning commute so interesting
2. My kiln that allows me to work in metal clay
3. The rain because we really need it here in southern CA
4. New tights to keep my legs warm (okay, not everything has to be heavy duty...I happen like new tights!)
5. And all of you for checking in every week

Just a few of the many pews of food we had collected

As wonderful as Thanksgiving Day was, the holiday really started off on Thanksgiving eve when we got together to distribute the food collected during our annual In His Shoes food drive. If you listened to this week's Next Step with Father Vazken, he shared with us about the evening, the service, the people.  What I wanted to share with you today is about the three families that we personally delivered food boxes and turkeys to.  When I say "we" I mean my husband Neddy, my 11 year old niece Nicole, and I.  Our In His Shoes ministry was able to provide food for about 40 families.  And I was really moved because this year, I was able to get the names of three families that had just been placed in housing after living in the shelter.  Because of our work with Glendale's homeless shelter, the case worker there was able to connect us with these three families for food drop off after our Thanksgiving eve service.

Along with giving you a glimpse at these three families, I also wanted to discuss the importance of  involving our children (nieces, nephews, grandchildren) in Christian outreach.  My sister was busy with my older niece that evening, so I asked if Nicole would like to come with me.  At 11 years old, Nicole is really a good worker, and when I told her we'd be sorting and boxing food for needy families, she was happy to come.  It's important for kids to feel a part of something greater than instagram, facebook, texts and selfies, right?  And given that this was all happening at our church, my she was very comfortable with just jumping in and helping because she was with her extended church family.

Here's Nicole in full swing, sorting through
the cans with Sossie and Yn Susan

We arrived at  church at 6:00 p.m.,  and it was already this bustling beehive of activity.  The most wonderful thing, I think, is that our volunteers were all ages  We had families and children working side by side with parents and grandparents.  Nicole started bagging fresh potatos, carrots and yams. I was sorting cans.  Everyone was in a great mood, and like a well-oiled machine, sorting through the donations we received and the putting them in corresponding pews.  If you can imagine, all the various types of canned and dried foods were in their own spots, making a balanced distribution easier.   And the potatoes, carrots and yams were being bagged for each family as well.  When the sorting was done, we all started filling the boxes.  Each family would receive a full box of dry and canned foods, cereal, fruits and vegetables, mashed potatoes, pasta and rice, fresh vegetables and a fresh turkey.

After a very beautiful and meaningful service of Thanksgiving, the food was blessed and some of us had deliveries to make.  I had received the names of three families in transitional housing from their caseworker at the shelter.  We had the routes mapped out and finally found the first aparment where we met Gary.  Gary was a single father with a 9 year old and an 8 month baby.  I had called the three families earlier in the day to let them know we'd be coming over at night after church, so he was expecting us.  The door was open.  He invited us in .  The apartment was like one large room.  Very little furniture, and unpacked boxes.  His eyes were filled with emotion as he thanked us and told us how this blessing had come at the perfect time.  I asked if he knew how to cook a turkey telling him to make sure that refrigerate it overnight.  He said he would ask one of the others in the building to help.  Coincidentally, my boss had given me a bag of baby food just the other day hoping I might find a family that could use it.  And seeing that Gary had an 8 month old, his little baby was the recipient.  I'm always amazed at how God puts right where we are needed most.  Receiving the food, he was just so happy, and a look of relief came over his face.  We hugged, he blessed us, and when we left, he was smiling.

Our second delivery was to a small apartment a few miles away.  Maria opened the door and invited us in to bring in  the boxes and bags of food.  The apartment was small and cluttered.  The dishes weren't done, there was unfinished homework on the table.  Two young children came running into the living room and hid behind Maria's legs, screaming and playing.  They saw Nicole and squealed and ran off.  Maria yelled at them to behave themselves.  She said, "my granddaughter has special needs."  She explained that she was living in this apartment with 4 of her grandchildren and how grateful she was for the food.  Here's another example of "right place/right time": Nicole had no idea who we were delivering food to, but she  had brought with her a brand new purple sweater with the idea that we might find someone she could give it to.  She whispered to me if we should give her sweater to this little girl. We showed the sweater to the Maria telling her it was from Nicole....and asked if her granddaughter would be able to use it.  She was grateful and said that purple was her granddaugher's favorite color.  As we were leaving, the little girl was calling out after my niece.  "What's your name??? Nicole turned around to answer her and saw that she was holding the bottle of apple juice that we had put in the box.  "Thank you for my juice!  It's my favorite kind."

The last delivery we made was to Kim.  She and her husband lived in this small apartment with almost no furniture at all.  In the kitchen a TV tray served as a table for two.  There was a stool and a chair and that was about it.  When we came in with the food, Kim and her husband praised God.  They thanked us and blessed us.  Kim couldn't contain her happiness and came over and hugged all three of us, thanking us and giving thanks to God at the same time.  Her sincerity and faith was really touching.  She was excited about the prospect of being able to roast a turkey...something she hadn't been able to do for a while.  We wished them a Happy Thanksgiving and were on our way.

On our way home, I was interested my my niece's reaction to what she had just witnessed.  What had surprised her the most was the lack of furniture in the last home.....and living out of boxes in Gary's home.  It was good for her to see because I think our children and grandchildren are desensitized to what's going on in our country...our community.  It's good for them to see beyond their bubble.   She was surprised to see Gary's apartment with no room for much of anything...and there were 3 people living there.  She asked how they could do it?  I explained to her that whe you put it into perspective - that just a week or so ago they were living in a shelter, and prior to that on the street with no home at all -  this little apartment is a wonderful and safe home and definitely a blessing.

I know that Nicole was moved by our outreach.  Over the past couple of days. I have heard her sharing with her mamajan, her sister, and her mom and dad what she did and how she had helped.  It's up to us to teach our children about compassion and Christian responsibility.  And as uncomfortable as it might be, it's good for them also to see the other side of life and to understand ...
1.  A home is anywhere where you feel safe and secure, no matter how large or small, how cluttered or sparsely furnished
2.  You don't have to be a certain age to do God's work.  It's right there when you open your heart to it.  All you have to do is care.
3.  A simple act of kindness brings about other acts of kindness...it just kind of snowballs.  We delivered the food, they gave us hugs, we hugged back, they got to eat, we got to feel good....it's a win/win!
4. A cell phone isn't everything.  When I first picked up my niece, all the way to church she was on her cell phone, texting, posting, etc.  Once we got to church, I told her "put it away."  It took a few times of me saying it but she did.  It was only after putting it away that she started enjoying herself, working with the others for a common goal.  I think kids lose site of this.  There's so much to be done.  We just have to harness that energy.

It was an amazing evening shared with our church family.  Exciting too was that there were quite a few new faces.  Which is always good.  Love is contagious!  With Christmas just around the corner, it's a good time to get your family involved in compassionate work.  Maybe volunteer with your children at your local foodbank.  Take a group to your local convalescent home and ask if you can sing the patients a few carols.  Call your local shelter and ask ho
w you can help.  It's such a wonderful experience, and it connects our children to life and our obligations as Christians.  God is love.  And if we are all children of God, then we are children of love.  Remember that old song: "What the World Needs Now is Love"?  It's more true now that ever before!  (No, not just for some, but for everyone!)

The best way to celebrate Thanksgiving is with family!!!  Here's some of our church family at
St. Peter Armenian Church Youth Ministries

Empathy, Sympathy and Thanksgiving (Audio)

ITP #40: What do you say to a friend when they've shared with you something troubling they're going through? Or that they have been diagnosed with an illness? We aways try to make it better but maybe all we need to do is be there with them. In this weeks episode, Anush takes a look at Empathy, prepping for Thanksgiving, and then of course, there's the gratitude list.
Links: Power of Empathy video
Gramma's Yalanchi Recipe
Produced by Suzie Shatarevyan for epostle.net
Look for Inside the Pomegranate on BluBrry
Subscribe to Inside the Pomegranate by Email
Get Inside the Pomegranate on iTunes

Play Now: 

Empathy and Thanksgiving

This past Monday was a wonderful day.  How can it not be...it's my day off.  And so on Monday morning, I headed over to my daughter Ani's house.  She and her husband are hosting Thanksgiving again this year, for the third year in a row since they got married.   This year we have something new to be thankful for!  Little Arek, my grandson,  is 12 weeks old this week. Can you believe that?  And it's his first Thanksgiving...and our first Thanksgiving as grandparents.  Each time I see him there is something new he's doing.  This past Monday, while I was taking selfies of us together, he was getting a kick out of seeing himself on my phone screen,  smiling at himself.  So sweet.  He tries to reach out and touch the screen, but his hand/eye coordination is not there yet, so he either overshoots it or doesn't quite make it, but it's very fun to watch him try.

Not only did I get to play with Arek, but I got to help Ani with the Thanksgiving preparations. Growing up in Los Angeles, we were blessed to have my grandmother live nearby.  In fact, she lived on the corner of our street and was always there for us while we were growing up.    Always for Christmas and Easter, and any other special occasion, my grandma would make the yalanchi, the stuffed grapeleaves which were creamy smooth with their filling of rice, onion, pinenuts, currants, dill, allspice and cinnamon.  She would call me over telling me she needed my help, but in retrospect I understand that what she was doing was teaching me how to soak the leaves, trim the stems, make the filling, roll the sarma.  After my grandmother passed away, I took on the tradition of making her traditional recipe for family feasts. This week Ani called and said that she would like to take on that tradition for Thanksgiving.  Isn't that cool?  So Monday, we packed up Arek (his diaper bag, bottle, stroller, Mobi wrap, change of clothes, pacifier and blankie) and  took a trip to the Armenian market to buy all the ingredients.  After buying what we needed (along with a bag of chili mangos for the trip home - which we didn't need), we headed back to the house.  I watched her follow my recipe to make the filling, and while it cooked,  the two of us together stood at the sink, trimming the little stems from the leaves we had been soaking in water, setting aside the torn leaves to line the pan, just like my grandmother taught me.  It was such a beautiful revelation to see how full circle I had come.  

If you remember, last week, I posted a list of things I am grateful for.  I have been continuing my goal of thinking of 5 things a day that I have grateful for. And although I won't list all 35 for you, here are some of things I thought of this week:

Today I am grateful for...

1.  Being employed by a company that offers me full health benefits.  I have been on the flip side of that coin, and let me tell you, my stress levels are so much lessened because I have health insurance.

2.  My caregivers...the team of doctors and nurses that help maintain my health including my primary, oncologist, gastroenterologist, orthopedist, and all their nurses.

3.  Family traditions that help us remember the past and how we got here.

4.  Having family that live nearby to share the holidays with

5.  The abundance that we so easily take for granted.  Just look around.   

6.   Old friends - the kind that understand how busy my life is and so when I do end up seeing them, it's like no time went by in between visits.

7.   My relationship with God

8.   Time spent with my mom discussing her past, childhood stories, and days gone by.

9.   Good morning hugs from my husband

10. Early morning appointments that leave the rest of my day open to do things I need to do.  

11.  The ability to express myself through my art

12.  My glasses.  I never really thought about it, but I rely on them to see.  Life without them would be a blur.
13.  Our In His Shoes outreach that keeps our focus on spreading love to others

These are some of the items that made it on to my Gratitude list.  What about you? Did you give it a try?  Tell you what, try to make it a point this Thanksgiving, and all year, to be thankful not only for the beautiful family, friendships and love that we're surrounded with, but also for the little things that bring so much flavor and joy to our lives.

A couple mornings ago, a friend had posted a video on Facebook about Empathy vs. Sympathy.  If you're friends with me on Facebook, you probably noticed that I shared it because I thought it was so good.  

RSA Shorts Video - The Power of Empathy

The video brings into light our reactions to those who are struggling around us.  Have you ever been in a situation where a friend shares with you about something they're going through.  I'm talking about something tough/difficult. You want to help and be there for them...but you have absolutely no clue what to say because you've never been there/done that.  So you go into this mode of trying to make their situation seem not so bad, or silver-line their cloud.  I loved what the narrator of the video says, "Rarely can a response make something better.  What makes it better is connection."  It's true, right?  When your friend shares their pain with you, they're not looking for a solution.  What they are doing is just sharing. They need an outlet.  And there's really nothing you can do to make the situation better other than pray for them, of course, but what you CAN do is just be there for your friend.  In order to CONNECT with your friend or family member though, you have to find that emotion inside of your self and share that in that feeling letting them know you understand and that you're there for them.  

I started thinking about this concerning two things.  The first of these is our In His Shoes homeless outreach.  Why are we so successful in reaching out to those in need?  Our program has been ongoing for the past 6 or 7 years.  I think the key is this empathetic response.  Putting ourselves in the shoes of others who are suffering  We're not just there handing out food.  We are there to listen, to hug, to show love and compassion.  To give them their dignity back.  To care.  And we do this because we too have been there.  We explain quite often that we understand what they are going through because we ourselves, as an Armenian people, have been hungry, homeless, naked, afraid.  We're there to help.  It's entirely nonjudgemental but more of a change of our perspective and also in their perspective of how we are perceived.  When they understand that we have walked in their shoes, we are suddenly not offering a hand out as much as a hand up.

We can use this response when dealing with illness as well.  I know this one really well.  I remember when I was diagnosed with cancer.  It's difficult.  It was tough for me, but it's also difficult for the friend or family member that is trying to say the right thing.  I mean, you have cancer.  What can someone possibly say to you that will make you feel better.  A positive diagnosis wreaks it's havoc in your head.  Am I going to survive?  Am I going to die?  Who will raise my children? What if it comes back?  In those dark days, what helped the most were the friends and family that had no idea what to say at all (because really, what can you say?)  If you can just imagine yourself in that position and how terrifying it is, you can call up an emotion within yourself to walk in that person's shoes. And then just be there with them.  Don't try to make the situation better.  It's okay to say that you don't know what to say, or that you wish you knew what to do, but you don't...and then just be present for them.

Empathy is feeling with someone.  Sharing what they're going through.  Sympathy is the detached, version of that.  Christ was empathetic to humanity.  He didn't sit back and feel sorry for the sick, the hungry, the poor.  He brought himself to them, walked with them, held them, and He is still there for us in our time of need.  To those of us who believe, we are never alone in our suffering. 

I've posted the video here.  I'd love to hear what you think of it, so please feel free to shoot me an email or leave a comment.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  On Thursday, most all of us here in the states will be gathering together with family and friends to give thanks for all we have.  I was thinking about it today.  How cool is that?  That our country has a day where we're supposed to stop everything and come together and be grateful for our lives, and those we share it with.  For some though, it's a difficult day as well.  While the Norman Rockwell painting shows the perfect family sitting down to the turkey dinner, not all families are loving.  Not all families get along.  If this is the case, the day may be filled with trepidation or fear of confrontation. 

Or maybe you do have a great relationship with those in your family, but you have a tough time with all the food.  If you've struggled with weight issues, like me, this day and its food, it's easy to self sabotage.  So for those of you that are walking in MY shoes, I just want to invite you to take a step back this Thanksgiving, and make yourself "present".  Pause.  Breathe.  Remember that it's not what's on the table, but who's around it.  Tell your family how much you love them.  Hug your Auntie Zabelle.  Listen about Keri Hagop's trip to Chermoog...yet again.  Enjoy the day, not for the food, but for the beauty of family, togetherness, love, and happiness.  Savor your food but be mindful while eating - tasting every bite that was prepared especially for you with love.  Sounds good right?  Above all, take some time to be still and think about all that you have been blessed with and give thanks.  

Wishing you all a very beautiful, blessed and Happy Thanksgiving! 

Here's gramma's yalanchi recipe if you'd like to give it a try:  Click Here and visit my page on HubPages.com

Family Connections (Audio)

ITP #30: Whether you're sharing a home together living under the same roof, or sharing memories together across the globe, the tie that binds the family together is love. This week on Episode 30, Anush explores that connection, on Inside the Pomegranate.
Produced by Suzie Shatarevyan for epostle.net
Look for Inside the Pomegranate on BluBrry
Subscribe to Inside the Pomegranate by Email
Get Inside the Pomegranate on iTunes

Play Now: 

Family Connections

I really had a beautiful week.  It all started last week with my birthday.  It was such a wonderful day that I was on this pink cloud when Monday came around. I met a new homeless friend, Joseph who is only 19.

I've shared with you my desire to have a job where I can work with the homeless or needy population.  And for a while I was so down on being where I am at my office job.  But I have also been working on surrendering my will and focusing on being grateful for what I DO have rather than what I don't.  And this week showed me that I am where I need to be for now.  Because of my job downtown, I may not be working directly with the homeless, but I do get to interact with them.  Because of our In His Shoes homeless outreach, over the years, I've made some contacts with various agencies that may be able to help him.  And so for now, Joseph  was able to use these resources to take a shower, wash his clothes, and get cleaned up.  He is still on the street, and we're still working on getting him off the street and into a shelter with a program to help him get a job and some life skills.  Like I said, we're working on it.

The first few times I met Joseph, I gave him money and  food on my way into the office.  The next time I saw him, he was sitting on the corner of 7th and Fig with his sign, and I was stopped at the red light waiting to cross, and I asked him, "So what's your story?"  I think I surprised him.  "What's my story?"  "Yeah, why are you here?  what brought you here?"  So we started talking.  He's here from Portland, Oregon.  When I heard that I said, "Portland?  You left Portland to come here?"  After all, I loved the Oregon coast and I even took that little quiz on Facebook, you know the one -  "Where should you live?" - and outcome said that I would be a perfect fit in Portland!  He asked me if I had ever been to Portland (I hadn't)...and if so, have I ever spent a winter there.  He said it was bitterly cold.  And if you're homeless you won't survive on the street.  So he came here to sunny southern California.  And then his first week on the street his phone and ID were stolen.  Talk about bad luck.

So what is this 19 year old kid doing homeless?  I asked if he had family.  His mother died when he was very young of lymphoma.  And he had never known his father.  "Who raised you, I asked?"  He said he did...he managed.  He slept wherever he could at different people's homes that took him in.  I asked if he had gone to school.  He was able to graduate high school, but only because his old girlfriend's parents had taken him in and allowed him to stay with them. And that was pretty much it.  No family, no support systems. Completely on his own.

But I can still see hope in Joseph's eyes, and that is what is needed for him to help himself to get off the street.  There are r
esources out there, and connections that need to be made, but he will need to be persistent and patient, to try to make a life for himself.  It's very difficult with out family and a support system.  And I'll take my own advice now and be just as persistent in trying to find him some help.  With that, and continued prayer, I am hopeful that we'll be able to help.

We get so much love and support from our families.  This is a huge blessing.  This week, we had family visiting us from Argentina, and as I was trying to think about what to share with you, I was thinking about Joseph, my week's events, and it all came together.  Family.  In Armenian, the word family is "Undaneek". Literally it translates to "under the roof".  In other words, people that share a household...or are under one roof.  And in a practical sense, that's true.  But there is extended family, and then family of the heart as well. Like I said, my cousins are visiting us from Buenos Aires.  I never really thought of how we are related at all. Only that we are cousins.  When I was a kid, my grandmother would tell us about our our Uncle Nubar, Auntie Zabelle and Uncle Gughmez in South America. She would share letters with us that contained photos of them, and my cousins. My Uncle Gughmez came to America to visit grandma in the late 70's and we had a great time showing him all around our city and getting to know him.    Some thirty-five years ago, when I married Ani's dad, my South American cousins made the trip and came to our wedding.  And I got to meet them.  Making connections.  When my sister Sona got married, my cousins again came out.  My cousin Sonia was even in her wedding.  And through the years my family has kept in touch.  It wasn't really until a couple days ago that I tried to figure out HOW we were related.  It turns out that my grandmother (who had gone through the genocide), and Uncle Noubar's father were first cousins.  That goes wayyyy back, right?

But here's what I'm getting at.  Two nights ago, my sister in law and brother invited us over to dinner to visit

Bonding time with cousins:
Anush, Madilyn, Philip and Nicole

with our cousins.  We shared a very fun night with my cousin Martha and her husband Tato, and their two children.  We were hugging, laughing, reminiscing as if we see each other all the time.  There is this family bond there.  And although we don't see them for years at a time, there is love there that bonds us together and we can pick up right where we left off.  We are family in the true sense.  And this trip, Martha's kids were able to bond with my sister's Sona's kids.  And the bond is made and will continue.

On our way home that night, Mamajan and I were talking about what a nice evening we had.  We owe this family bond to her, really.  Even though the relationship is on my father's side, it was always my mother that kept the connections.  It was mom that would write letters and update their family with our news.  And it's always been my mom that connected our relatives in Armenia as well, again on my father's side.  Interesting. So we talked a little bit about that on our drive home as well.

My mom  is the child of genocide survivors.  Because of this, other than her mother and father, brother and sister, she had no family to grow up with.  Her grandparents, aunts and uncles had been killed by the Turks. Her parents where left orphaned and met in the orphanage in Aleppo.  It actually wasn't until my grandmother was in her 30's that she found out that her two brothers - two out of the six children - had made it through the genocide and were living in France.  They reunited.  My two uncles in Marseilles, had started their families there...and so we have cousins there in Marseilles as well.  My mom grew up knowing that she had family, but they were overseas.  Mind you, in those days, there was no internet, and calling overseas would have been way too costly.  So she wrote letters to the family that she longed for.  And they wrote back.  When my mom was a teen, her cousin Rouben came to America and spent a year or so living with them.  Finally, family.

And then when Mamajan married Babajan, his my father's family became my mother's family.  Whether they were in Armenia or Buenos Aires, her longing for family kept it all together.  Mom shared with me what my Uncle Gughmez had told her back in the 70's.  He told her it was important to keep the ties of family tight, because the world was uncertain.  If there was turmoil or problems in one country, you would always have a home with your family abroad.  My nephew just returned from a work study in Buenos Aires.  He spent 5 months working on his Masters degree there.  And he was able to make his own connections to our family there who opened their hearts and home to him during his stay.  Deeper connections made.

Our stories are not uncommon though.  We're Armenian.  Those that made it through the genocide were scattered all over the world, having to fend for themselves and rebuild their lives.  Holding on to each other, blood relations or "family of the heart" in order to survive.  Our immediate families include our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, inlaws, and an array of  "aunties" and "uncles" that are close enough to be family...and so they are!  When I've spoken of our family get togethers to my non-Armenian friends, they've been blown away by my refering to cooking for a small group of 20 or so "because the whole family won't be able to make it."  We've been brought up to view the family as sacred.  And to cherish the family ties that bind us together whether connected through bloodlines or not.

In a sense, I think the internet has kept those connections together for the new generation.  I know that my niece will now add her South American cousins to her Facebook friends, and they will be able to share their lives together as well.  But I'm also seeing the downside to it too..  My mother is a letter writer, and I think that's a lost art.  As much as I love to write, my letters to family are through email.  Here today, and in your computer's trash bin the next.  They are not lasting...unless you file them in a folder, but even that is fleeting.  How many things moved things to a folder to save only to lose track of where I've saved them on my laptop.  As Mamajan gets older, I'm understanding that perhaps I will need to take over that gift.  The gift of tieing us all together through something more permanent...the handwritten letter.  Before the internet, I too used to write to my cousins in France.  I had met them when my mom and I took a trip when I was a teen. We wrote the first year or two, but through the years, I stopped writing.  I couldn't write in French and I'm not confident in writing Armenian.  My cousins can't read Armenian, and didn't read English...so we stopped.  But now I'm thinking that it doesn't really matter what language I write in as long as I write.  The letter will always get translated one way or the other, and the true language of the letter will be love.  Love is understood by all.

We are so very blessed to have this beautiful family that spread out worldwide.  Family in Armenia...family here in the states, family in Buenos Aires and Marseilles.  And then I think of my family of the heart...in London, in Australia, in Japan...all over.  Beautiful connections of love and support to share the ups and downs of life with.  God bless all our families and keep us tied together with love always.  And to my cousins Martha, Tato, Philip and Anush, have a safe trip back....and we miss you already!




 

Thoughts on the Old Year...and the New (Audio)

ITP #25: It's been two weeks! Have you missed your visit Inside the Pomegranate? On this special catch-up podcast, Anush shares the work that's been keeping her busy and the thoughts that are bouncing around inside the pomegranate as she prepares for the New Year. What's going to be your One Little Word for 2014? It's all Inside the Pomegranate!
Towns Burr Gallery: www.townsburrgallery.com
Ali Edwards (One Little Word) www.aliedwards.com
Produced by Suzie Shatarevyan for epostle.net
Look for Inside the Pomegranate on BluBrry
Subscribe to Inside the Pomegranate by Email
Get Inside the Pomegranate on iTunes

Play Now: 

Thoughts on the Old Year...and the New

Hey there, did you miss me???

I haven't posted for two weeks, and it feels really good to be back!  I missed you.  Really I did!   I never meant to be away for so long, the days just flew by.  I hope you all had a beautiful and meaningful Christmas and that the message of the birth of Love is still being celebrated every day. 

I'll let you know a little bit about what's been keeping me so busy throughout this whole Christmas season. We had our homeless outreach in Glendale. If you remember, the last time I posted, I told you we were taking the kids with us to crew this month.   Cooking dinner at the shelter has gotten to be a popular outreach and I always have volunteers to crew, but this month Fr. Vazken selected 6 of our kids, ages 14-20 to come help.  We served comfort food.  Homemade macaroni and cheese, baked ham, salad and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven.  I was so proud of our kids.  They helped set up and serve, made salad and baked cookies.  But most importantly, they got to see that the residents at the shelter, especially the children that live there, are no different than they are.  The chocolate chip cookies were a hit.  And our kids had a great time serving

platefuls of warm cookies to the tables.  One family that lives at the shelter was especially grateful for the second plateful....and the third.  After we were finished and cleaned up, I asked Edward (the resident manager) if he would take the kids on a tour showing them where the residents slept and what their home at the shelter was like.  I think the kids were very moved by it all, and especially noticed the meaning of "family"...that it isn't necessarily the conventional biological family but the people that are gathered together under one roof....sharing life together.  The residents have become each other's family. And when we are there together once a month, they  become our family as well.  Edward shared with me that when our "In His Shoes" name appears as guest chef for the evening on the board, the residents know that the evening will be a good one.  He said they are grateful for whatever we serve for dinner, but they know that no matter what is served for dinner when we're there,  it is always served with LOVE.  He said that they can  all feel that.  I thought that was really beautiful.  And he's right.  We do put a lot of love into our efforts, and that is put there by God and our desire to spread His light and love to those around us. 

We also had a special Skid Row delivery the following Monday.  One of my dear friends, Sedma, who is a regular crew member for our outreach approached me.  An anonymous donor had told her they would like to donate 150 cheeseburgers to be distributed on Skid Row  Sedma asked if we could help with that.  The plan was that we meet at church at 7:00 pm.  She would pick up the warm burgers at McDonalds and bring water and chips...and we would meet up and drive down to distribute.  Well, goodness is contagious.  I had mentioned to my boss on our morning coffee walk that we had this burger delivery to Skid Row.  And she was moved and made a donation - in lieu of client gifts - to our outreach as well.  She purchased socks and fleece blankets for us to distribute.  So we did a special delivery last monday  night ...a little different than our usual hot soup and snacks.  And the people were so grateful.  There were many out on the streets that night. Just to put things in perspective.  We distributed 150 meals, over 3 locations in less than one hour.  : (  

Here's my blanket for our blanket drive

Let's see...I also had a blanket to finish up for the blanket drive.  And I did finish it.  There was a lot of bus crocheting and late night crocheting too.  But I'm glad we made it on time.  Our church distributed beautiful hand knit/crocheted and sewn blankets to the patients at City of Hope.  This an annual blanket project that we've been doing and I love that our church becomes this busy beehive of activity for Christmas.

We had our Holiday Jammin' Boutique. I'd like to give a  shout out to all of you who came out to hear the amazing gypsy jazz band - Private Cat Radio -  and to support our ministry.  It was a really fun event.  Everyone who came had a great time.  Special thanks to Bruce and Connie at the Towns Burr Gallery who opened their gallery to our event.  If you would, please show your support by "like"'ing them on their FB page or better yet by visiting their gallery or webpage.  They've got some beautiful artwork and gifts.  

I know there's something I'm forgetting here.  I mean other than the Christmas shopping and cooking.  Wait....Oh right....so this year our family decided to sponsor a family for Christmas.  We all had a great time shopping for the children in the family and trying to fulfill their wish lists.  The best part was getting to meet them when we delviered the gifts.  Their case worker arranged a meeting.  This young family had lost had been evicted from their apartment when the youngest girl was a newborn, only a week old. After 10 years of living in the same apartment, they were short on the rent by $100 and got thrown out.  Eventually they were able to get into another apartment only to have a fire destroy everything they owned.  Despite the hardships, you would never know their story of you looked at these children in the family. They were all smiles and anticipation for a joyous Christmas.  And seeing their beautiful smiles was the best gift of all...for all of us.

This reminds me of something I wanted to touch on this week.  As you know, I am the coordinator for our In His Shoes Homeless  outreach.  I like to report on it because I feel that it adds a little bit of an  inside look into what this vulnerable population is about.  Also, our outreach is supported by donations by kind donors such as yourselves.  When reporting about it, whether it's here or on facebook, it's a way for people to hear about our work and support it if they are so inclined.   So I wanted to write that any praise that is directed toward the work that we do, goes to God, whose work we are doing.  As Christians, it is our duty to love one another...and to care for one another.  Before our outreach we always do pray that God allows us to share His love and light with those on the street.  And it is only through His guidance and love that this ministry happens.  What I'm getting at is that it's not any ONE person.  You know?  It's all of us, working together, and your prayers and support in action that make it all happen.  So thank you to all of you who support us, pray for us, collect clothing, and donate to our ministry.  Because you allow us to spread God's love.  Thank you from all of us on the homeless outreach crew!

And so on to the New Year!  Tomorrow is New Year's Eve!  Are you doing anything special to ring in the new year?  What about new year's resolutions.  Are you making any?  Do you have hope that you'll be able to follow through with it?  or will they be said and done by the following week?  How did you do on this year's resolutions?  Hmmm, that's what I thought.

Well, I used to start off the new year with all kinds of resolutions.  Namely involving diet and exercise.  I mean who doesn't right?  But for the past several years I've just tried to make it more about being honest with myself.  I try.  It's not always easy.  By being honest....and then saying that I've failed to be honest, it's not like saying I'm lying to myself.  Well, if you look at it that way, it sort of is.  Here's an example.  I resolve to be honest, yes?  Okay.  And in that resolution, there's this desire to exercise.  You're with me, right?  The bottom line is...if I exercise, I will feel and look healthier, I will lose weight.  I sincerely want that.  But then when I make up excuses as to why I can't exercise, am I being honest with myself?  Do I really want the end outcome of the exercise bad enough?  So I think what I need to do personally, is to set some REALISTIC goals and make all my actions count toward the realization of those goals. Here's the inner dialogue:

Me:  "I would like to be healthier by making better choices today and in the New Year.  By doing so  I would like to see a healthier me".

Devil self:  "How about warming up a piece of that cream filled khadayif that you made for Christmas...with a nice hot cup of coffee?"

Me:  "Would eating that khadayif right now help me achieve my "healthier me" goal?  What?  No?  Then I think I'll pass.

Bravo!!! Can I hear wild applause for my tremendous willpower???
  

Do you really think it will happen that way?  I hope so, but the reality is that there will be days, and there will be days.  Right?  The reality is that the one piece of khadayif is sitting there calling me and saying, "come on...I'm here all alone...and if you eat me now...I'll be gone, thus removing the temptation...so go ahead, live a little."  Sound familiar?   The truth is that we can only do the best that we can do.  As long as we are being honest with ourselves that the BEST is truly the best that we can give.

Last year, I tried something that I had read on my daughter Ani's blog.  She had gotten it from another blogger.  It was called "One Little word"  and what you were supposed to do - the challenge - was to choose a single word that was going to be your word to work on for the year.  So my word last January was "Balance".  I was going to try to be more balanced in my life.  I don't get very much sleep (which is not good), so one of the things that I was thinking about balancing was my work life, my leisure time, my sleep time, my eating...you get the idea.  Balance.  Did I have a balanced year, you ask?  Well, uh, no.  In fact, I think it was sometime in March, just a month or so after "Balance" that I changed my word.   And that was because trying to balance made me realize how unbalanced my life was, and it was creating more stress for me and therefore causing more unbalancedness.  Does that make sense? The truth is that I don't sleep enough...and I do take on too many tasks.  But that's how it has always been with me.  I mean, would I be writing this at 12:53 a.m. if I was balanced?  Nooooo!

So my One Little Word changed in March to....ready?  :::drumroll::::  PEACE!  Tada!!!  And that word worked better for me.  I DID have a year filled with peace.  And though it wasn't all like that, I did find myself reigning myself in sometimes.  Most noticeably, I have changed my attitude about my work that I do for a living.  Whereas in the beginning of the year, I was in a constant battle with myself about my job, today, I am realizing that my job affords my healthcare coverage, the ability to keep a roof over our heads and to live a more peace-conscious life.  I also experienced a lot of peace in my prayer life this year. 

2013 was also my first full year of being a vegetarian (started in November of 2012).  And that helped to contribute to my more peaceful year as well.  So peace I can do.  Balance...not so much.  And maybe that's a challenge I'm going to have to take on another time.  

And so speaking of challenges, I thought I would challenge you.  I know you already have your own thing about what you're doing for the new year, but maybe think about this.  What is your one little word going to be for the new year? It can be anything:

Balance

peace

pray

believe

hope

ask

love

care

change

imagine

volunteer

pursue

dream

laugh

enjoy

assert

No!

Yes!

So, what's it going to be?  Only you know the answer to that, but I would love it if you would share.  And please do it on the blog on not on Facebook to keep things all in one place! Let me know what your one little word will be.  And I will share mine with you, next week.

So that about wraps it up this for this week - and this year!!!  It's been a wonderful year.  I want to wish all of you a very happy and healthy new year filled with an abundance of God's blessings for you and your family.  Thank you for all your prayers and support throughout the year.

Wishing you all a very pomegranate YEAR AHEAD filled with hope and ripe with possibilities!!!

On Love and Thanks (Audio)

ITP # 23: It's December 2. We're back to work after Thanksgiving weekend. But is it business as usual? Or are we still riding the wave of thankfulness? Take a look Inside the Pomegranate to learn how love is playing a role in ministering to the needy.
Produced by Suzie Shatarevyan for epostle.net
Look for Inside the Pomegranate on BluBrry
Subscribe to Inside the Pomegranate by Email
Get Inside the Pomegranate on iTunes

Play Now: 

On Love and Thanks

It's Monday, and we're back to business as usual after celebrating Thanksgiving this past Thursday, November 28 here in the states. Thanksgiving weekend has always been one I look forward to because our offices are closed the following day after well as Thursday, so we always get a 4-day weekend.  I've always loved the non-commercial aspect of Thanksgiving.  No gifts to buy.  Just a beautiful day to think about all that we're blessed with, spend time with family,  and give thanks to God.  But this year, for the first time, we heard of stores opening on Thanksgiving day - advertising sales, and urging people to shop on that day.  I thought this was really sad.  I have a coworker who has 5 children.  I asked him what he was doing on Thanksgiving.  "Nothing," he said, "my wife has to work."  His wife works at Macy's department store. Without mom at home, the whole family would have to forego having Thanksgiving dinner together.  "It's not the same without her there."

Where is everyone?  5:15 a.m. on Black Friday at
Eagle Rock Mall

I fear that in the future, this beautiful tradition/holiday of giving thanks will take a back seat to commercialism. That's just sad.  And really the only way that we can combat this is to not fall for it.  Black Friday started at midnight the following day.  That should be enough, right? Now don't get me wrong.  I love a good sale.  In fact, my sister Sona and I have our own tradition.  We do a 5:00 a.m. Friday morning run to Macy's and Target.  This year, there was no one there.  When we were coming home from Thanksgiving dinner at my daugther's, it was close to 10 p.m. as we passed the mall.  The parking lot was PACKED with cars.  This is on Thanksgiving evening.  My sister and I were at the same mall at 5:00 a.m. the following morning and there were very few cars in the parking lot.  What I'm saying is, why ruin your thanksgiving with lines, and crowds, and miss spending quality time with your family when you can get the same deal in the following morning without all the hassle?  Doesn't make sense; does it?  You can shop anytime.  And actually, isn't the precious little time that we have with our children and family worth it?  I don't know...that's just my thinking.  What are your thoughts about shopping on Thanksgiving day and department stores that are open touting Thanksgiving Day sales.  I mean, I know there are business that are open that day, namely, grocery stores for last minute items.  Hospitals, of course....but these are necessity stores.  I'm talking about the retail stores.  Tell me what you think (leave a comment!).

I wanted to write about Love and Thanks.  Specifically as it ties in to our homeless outreach.  When we help the needy, it's not out of false thanks, like the Pharisee in the parable, who thanked God that he was not like the lowly tax collector.  It is out of love.  And because as Christians, we are commanded to do so by our God, Jesus Christ.  This week we had an opportunity to extend a hand up twice in one week.  On Monday night, our In His Shoes homeless outreach took to the streets of Skid Row in a very special evening.  Friends of our In His Shoes family, Sonig and Kevork had donated the evening's meal in memory of their nephew, Harout, who was taken from us tragically at a young age.  They had provided sandwiches, and our usual fare of soup, snacks and water bottles. But in addition they had donated these beautiful green apples. (I seriously felt like the witch in snow white, offering pretty apples to my friends on the street.)  So we had plenty of food.  We had also collected a record amount of clothing this time around.  We went on our outreach with 4 cars (where we usually take 3).  And we had a LOT of clothing to distribute.  In fact, we had so much that I thought we wouldn't be able to distribute all of it and as we usually do, we'd drop the remaining clothing at the rescue mission.  But there were many on the streets and the people were so grateful as the weather has taken a turn for the cold. 

As happy and grateful as they are though, it's also difficult.  Tempers do flare up.  And sometimes we do witness anger and frustration.  As you can imagine, when we do our outreach, we all have something to do. Whether it's distributing soup, passing out water bottles or trying to find the right size of clothing for the right person, we're all doing something.  And what I do is to help wherever needed, but mostly to be the lookout to make sure things are running smoothly, and to give the call to pack it up if there's anything that might put our group in danger.  As the food was being distributed, I heard voices being raised.  I didn't see the soup fly, but I heard about that after the fact.  But I did hear one man raising his voice to another, and tensions started rising.  I called out to our team..."Pack it up!  We have to go!"  As much as we love being there to help our brothers and sisters, we do need to be safe.  So I had made the call.  Until Dolly came up and asked if we would please stay.

If you follow my blog or podcasts, you may remember me mentioning Dolly Dotty Dorothy.  She is a small woman from Ghana and she is a missionary.  She is on the street by choice.  A vision on the streets of Skid Row, she wears all white. She very rarely asks for anything for herself, but knows who needs what.  When the fight broke out, and I was ready to pack it up, it was Dolly who asked us to stay.  "Please don't go.  I will make him stop."  The man who was causing the problems was a large man, and Dolly was small comparitively.  But she went right up to him and said, "All these people will not get to eat or get the help they need because of your anger. You must stop."  I don't know if it was Dolly's vibe.  Or the man's realization of the situation, but I heard him say, "I'm not fighting.  I didn't do anything."  And he just walked away. Watching this, I really appreciated how Dolly had approached this man.  He was combative, and later, I learned that he had thrown soup at one of the people that was waiting for food.  She didn't yell.  She didn't meet violence and anger with the same...but she approached him with love.  She was firm, but her reasoning for this man to stop the way he was acting was out of love and concern for the others.  Approach all things with love.  A great lesson witnessed in action.

I noticed a lot more young people on the street this month.  One young woman sat expressionless on a blanket on the sidewalk, staring straight ahead while her friend sat  beside her trying to engage her in conversation.  My crew appoached her with clothing, with food, she didn't want it.  You could tell there was just emptiness there.  She remained still and unmoving the whole time we were there.  We didn't know if she was on drugs - numb to everything.  Or if she was angry.  But this young woman was very real, there on the street sharing a blanket with a man over two times her age.  And it makes you wonder what happened that caused such a disconnect.

We met a young man in his 20's named Ryan. Yeretzgin. Susan and Hourig had been working with him to find him clothing and shoes that would fit.  This man was so grateful for whatever they had provided him.  He had only the clothing on his back.  He was newly homeless.  His problem - meth addiction.  He had come to California with his girlfriend.  But the drugs took over his life.  Soon he was unable to pay the rent because of his habit, and he told us that although he and his girlfriend loved each other, she told him that he brought too much darkness into their relationship.  They got evicted, she left him, and there he was on the street.  I was surprised by how likeable and articulate he was.  And he was very much aware of his shortcomings.  He was in a recovery program and said he was not using. Checking in with his probation officer, he was subjected to daily drug testing and was clean.  It was terribly sad.  There he was trying to fix his life, yet he was right in the center - the worst possible place to be as a recovering addict - right where all the drugs are.  You wonder, where are the parents?   He mentioned to Susan that his father had come to visit him and stayed in a hotel as Ryan was on the street.  What would cause a father to abandon his son?  But in all fairness, we don't know what the situation is.  I've learned that drugs can cause people to do very strange things....lying is one of them.  So who knows what the situation was that caused him to want to numb himself in the first place.  So we talked to him.  Tried to encourage him  I gave him a the names of a few agencies that might be able to help him with temporary housing and programs to help him out of his current situation.  As we left him, he was so thankful.  We told him we would pray for him.  We were trying to encourage him and told him to fight for what he wanted.  "Love conquers all!" we told him.  "I believe that," he said.   As we hugged him goodbye, he said that he hoped to see us again.  Susan told him that as much as we would love to see him again, we hoped that he next time we came around that he would be in a better place off the street.  Then he said that maybe someday he would join us by doing what we're doing -  helping others on the street. We left that spot feeling a lot heavier in the heart.  As a mother, I hurt for him and I couldn't get him out of my heart.    And it made me realize that Ryan could be any of our own children, taking a wrong path that lead him down a difficult spiral. Our prayers continue with Ryan, and I've asked many to pray for him.  I ask that you please remember Ryan in your prayers.  He will need God's strength and united in prayer, we can help him.  That was our Skid Row outreach.  

A beehive of activity as we box the food for distribution

On Thanksgiving Eve, we had our annual canned food distribution.  Fr. Vazken had asked us to be at church by 6:00 p.m. to sort through and box all the canned and dried food that we had collected.  When I got to church that night at 6:15, the church was buzzing.  It was like a beehive of activity.  Seriously.  Boxes were lined up on the pews in several rows.  There were piles of canned and dried food sorted out, and basically, you picked up the food and put one or two of each type into the boxes.  This way each box had a variety of foods.  Rice, tomatoe sauce, beans, fresh and canned fruit, peanut butter, meat, you get the idea.   So anyway, everyone was sorting or boxing and before you knew it, we had all these boxes ready for delivery.

But first, as we always do on Thanksgiving Eve, Fr. Vazken called us to a short Thanksgiving prayer service, after which he blessed wheat and salt for each of us to take to our homes.  We then waited for our assignments to deliver the food boxes to needy members of our community.  Sonig had a list of families that would be receiving the boxes.  Each family would receive a box of food and a turkey as well.  Some of the

Each needy family will receive a
box of food and a ham or turkey

families had come to our prayer service and it was nice to share this beautiful service with them.  And I hope that they understood that our offering to them was made out of love.  

I had coordinated with Ascencia - Glendale's homeless shelter - and asked if they had some transitional families that might need our help.  We were able to help four families there that were in housing, working, but barely able to make ends meet.  The families were contacted and told to pick up directly from the shelter.  It was after 8:00 p.m. by the time I drove there.  Peeking in the glass door to the dining room, the room was dark with only the kitchen light shining.  I pushed the button to ring the bell.  In the kitchen, I could see the woman I had met last month, cleaning the kitchen.  A little boy came to the door and opened it.  He had to be around 5 or so.  Sarah, one of Ascencia staff, came to help me with the boxes, and together we carried them in.  She was so touched.  When I had told her over the phone that we had food to bring over, she said she never thought it would be so thoughtfully put together with a variety of foods for a family.  She thanked us and said what we had donated would help so many for a few weeks.  She got all misty eyed when she wished me a happy Thanksgiving.

We said our goodbyes, knowing that we'd be seeing each other on the 12th when we'll be preparing the meal there on our monthly outreach.  As I drove home, it was close to 9:00 p.m.  Later than I thought I'd be. Ned sent me a text, "Are you okay?"   I was better than okay.  The question made me think about what I was feeling.  

Content - Because I live a full life. It may be busy and chaotic, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.

Happy - Because I was able to make others happy

Blessed - Because I am able to do God's work

Thankful - Thankful for all the usual things.  My health, job, family.  And that I am part of an amazing church family that joyfully (and actively) follows the teachings of Christ in helping others through acts of Love.

Today, on this December 2nd, I want to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving.  Because just as everyday is Christmas for the Christian, and every day is Easter for us too as we take the message of victory forward in our lives, every day for us, is (or should be) a day of Thankgiving.  Happy Thanksgiving!

When Your Apology Isn't Accepted (Audio)

ITP # 14: Have you ever apologized for something and had your apology not accepted? Or worse yet, not acknowledged? Tune in this week as Anush deals with forgiveness, conflict resolution, and "moving on"... if that's possible.
Produced by Suzie Shatarevyan for epostle.net
Look for Inside the Pomegranate on BluBrry
Subscribe to Inside the Pomegranate by Email
Get Inside the Pomegranate on iTunes

Play Now: 

When Your Apology Isn't Accepted

There's something that has been weighing heavily on me for the past several months, and on Friday, it finally came to a head.  Because you know I share everything here on my blog, I wanted to write about it, thinking that it would be good to hear your ideas, reflection, insights as well.  It's all about forgiveness, and hurt, and apologizing, and then ...have you ever thought about what happens when your apology is not accepted?  Here's what happened.   

My coworkers and I used to put in a couple dollars a week to play the lottery. My one coworker was in charge of the winnings which we would keep to buy more tickets when the jackpots got big.  We would always communicate via email.  So when one day the jackpot winnings were at an all time high, my coworker (let's call him Ray) sent out an email:  "Shall we use some of our booty to purchase more chances for tonight's drawing?"  In regular form, our group sent back responses saying yes.  Now, mind you, Ray has always been very jovial, fun, and has always had a good sense of humor.  Playing on his use of the word "booty" I wrote back, "I agree! An idle booty is the devil's playground".  You know that old saying, right?  Idle hands are the devil's playground.  All I meant was yes, let's put the money to good use.

I thought nothing of it.  The following day, though, my friend was very quiet.  All day.  When I was leaving, I asked, "Ray, what's up?"  No response.  "Ray?"  He responded, "Nothing, just busy."  Okay, maybe he's a little moody.  I thought nothing of it and off I went for the weekend.  On Monday, when Ray walked in, I greeted him with my usual good morning.  Nothing.   No response.  And the several hours later, I received an email from him. "I thought about it all weekend, and I don't know what you meant by your comment, but I will no longer be handling the money for the lottery."  WHAT?  Seriously.  I went back to re-read my email to see if I said anything wrong.  Nope.  So I wrote back.  I explained what I meant...that it meant nothing.  I was trying to just make a play on the words he had used.  Obviously, I said, it was misunderstood and if I had offended him by it, I was truly sorry.  I explained that he was my friend!  We had known one another for 10 years.  And I would NEVER do or say anything to hurt him.  And if I had, again, I apologize.  I waited for a response.  It never came.

And then there was silence.  I thought, okay, maybe he didn't get to the email yet.  He seemed busy.  I waited.  One day, two days. Still nothing.  You have to know that we work in an office.  I have a cubicle, and there are four of us that share a quad of cubicles.  So we're right there in each other's space.  The silence from him, flowed over to my other coworker, his friend who announced via email that he had decided that he was no longer going to play the lottery and wanted out.   I had decided that I didn't want to be part of it any longer either because losing friendships over something so petty wasn't worth it.  And within a day, our lottery group that had been playing for the past 4-5 years disbanded. The small amount of winnings we had were all divided up among us players and that was that.

 But the silence continued. Our department has always prided themselves on being close with one another.  We're the "fun" group of our office.  Yet now, this whole thing had thrown a wrench in the works.  Days turned to weeks, a week turned into a month.  I would literally come to work, say good morning in my quad. Other than a "good morning" from the other two (not Ray), not one would talk to me until I said, "good night guys" at the end of the day when the same two would say goodnight.  The third coworker was not involved in it at all, but because he works for Ray, if Ray ain't talkin' he wasn't either.  

Anyways, it was incredibly uncomfortable to say the least.  Of course there are other people in our office that I would talk to, but this was always there for me.  If you know me, you know that peace is a big part of me. My heart has to be at peace or I'm not okay.  This all started back in June.  My boss had been on vacation.  When she returned, she felt it.  She asked me what was going on.  And I told her.  I shared with her my email that I had sent...Ray's response, and my apology.  She thought that was really strange.  She didn't understand.  She told me she would handle it..that she didn't want this type of thing going on, but I asked her to please give it more time.  I just cringed at the idea of her calling us in.  As I had been the odd man out here, I thought it was just going to put more of a strain on things.  I told her that I would like to handle it.  She was getting ready to go on a business trip.  She said okay and that she'd check back in after her returned in 3 weeks.

By now over a month had gone by.  The silence was taking it's toll on me.  I couldn't sleep.  I discussed it with my husband, my mom, my daughter.  I didn't understand why he couldn't accept my apology.  I didn't understand how this person that I thought was my friend, would think that I would say something to offend him.  My health started suffering for it.  I had to go to the doctor who said my stomach problems were from stress.  I even started looking for another job.  

With my boss gone, I had incentive to get this worked out before her returned.  All the while I had been praying about this.  Asking God to open Ray's heart so he could see inside mine.  I thought I'd try again.  That Monday, I wrote him another email.   I asked if he would have a few minutes to talk to me.  I told him I understood he was upset, but I didn't understand why...and again, obviously, I said, it was because of my initial comment, but i truly didn't mean anything of it...and again, I apologized.  Would he have time this afternoon to resolve this?  I received no response.  The whole day I waited.  The following day I came to work, and he had responded.  He said there was nothing to talk about.  We should just allow time to take it's course.  That was it.  And he left on a 3 week vacation.

This whole thing has been very stressful and difficult for me.  I am a Christian.  I don't take that lightly.   Those that I talked to about it told me I had nothing to apologize about.  But I didn't have a problem with that.  We're all human.  We are not perfect.  And if I had hurt someone, I had no problem in apologizing for my offense.  But the difficult part of this whole equation was that I had done my part, but my apology wasn't accepted.  And not only was it not accepted, it was ignored.  I started thinking about apologies.  When we forgive someone we do it not for them but for us.  I started working on forgiving him....so that I could start dealing with what I was feeling because as the weeks were going on, getting up and going to work was getting more and more difficult.  At work, I continued trying.  I continued saying good morning.  I continued saying good night.  

When my boss returned she didn't mention it.  A couple more weeks went by.  And then two weeks ago we all went out to lunch with a client.  Ray was late, and when he arrived, the only seat left was across from me.  Dread.  Everything was fine with the group.  My boss was sitting next to Ray, I joined in the conversation with the others in our department, and Ray directed his conversation to everyone but me.  And my boss picked up on it.  That afternoon she called me into her office to find out what happened while she was gone.  I explained the attempt.  Shared the email with her, and Ray's non-response.  I told her I didn't know what else to do.  I had tried.  

A few days later, my boss called Ray in.  The door was shut.  And they were in there a long while.  When he came out, he went back to his desk and continued working.  The following morning, I asked my boss if she had spoken to him.  She was busy.  Yes, she said, she had.  She could talk to me about it sometime when she had more time.  In the meantime, she said, Ray was supposed to talk to me.

This past Thursday, nearly a week after that (and three months after the initial incident), as I was packing up for the day, Ray came up and asked if I would have time on Friday, after lunch, to talk.  "You want to talk to me?", I said.  "Sure."  The following day he approached me in the afternoon.  He suggested we go outside to talk, so down the elevator we went, outside to sit in the plaza.  He started out saying, "I don't know where to start with this.  The boss says you're upset."  You can imagine my inner reaction to that, right?  I mean here's a man that has made such an effort to ignore me for the past 3 months...and he says we're talking cuz I'm upset?  So if he didn't know where to start, I would just have to help him.  And I did.

I think God opened my mouth for me.  I told him that he knew very well what he was doing, because being cruel was not something that anyone did naturally.   I reminded him that I had apologized 3 times, yet he had chosen not to even discuss or acknowledge that apology.  I told him I didn't understand what I had done or said that offended him so badly.  I asked him to explain.  And as I always do when I am frustrated, I started to cry.  To which he replied "Don't take it personally like that....you don't have to be upset."  Really?  Apparently, my comment had made him feel that I was questioning how the money from the lottery funds were handled.  Go figure.  Although he understood that I had apologized, he said that sometimes people say things and then apologize after but the damage had been done.  I asked, did he feel this was my case?  We went around and around  He told me that he was sorry that he had made me feel so bad.  I asked him if he accepted my apology.  His response took me aback.  He said, "Well, I've learned to move on."  I told him that wasn't the same thing.  He said, "I can forgive...but it's going to be hard to forget."  I was stunned.  Forget what?  But then I thought about all I had been through too.  And I conceded.  "Okay I said.  I get that, because I can forgive you too....but I will have a hard time forgetting as well."  

I think the thing that really hurt me the most about this entire stupid thing was the fact that this is a person that I considered my friend.  Not a dear friend, but this is someone  that I see at work 5 days a week.  I thought that after 10 years of working together, that I knew him...and he would know me.   I told him that he should know by now, that I would never want to do anything to hurt a friend.  Intentionally or unintentionally.  And there was also hurt there because I thought I knew him. I wouldn't think that a friend would intentionally want to hurt me either.  We don't do that.  Yet he had.  And he knew it.  When I called him on it, he had no answer.

So how did it end?  Well, he asked how we should move on.  I told him I would like us to be civil.  To start saying hello again.  We didn't need to be best friends, but we should be courteous.  It will take time we both agreed.  I told him that I had prayed for him.  That God would open his heart to understand mine.  He said, "Well, maybe it worked."  That was it.  We took the elevator back up.  At the end of the day, I packed it up and said, "Good night."  "Good night," he said.  That was the first thing he has said to me in the office in 3 months.  It's a start.

I am relieved that it's over...that it's somewhat resolved.  Although I know things will ever be the same between us.  I can forgive, though it's difficult to understand why someone would want to hurt someone by not accepting their apology.  Perhaps he didn't know me as well as I thought he did.  Who knows.  All I can do is keep praying and let it go.  I found this nice quote on forgiveness by Mark Twain.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." - Mark Twain

The violet has no choice but to be crushed by the heel though.  I did have a choice to allow Ray to crush me with his actions.  And I don't know why it was so stressful for me and why I allowed it to hurt me so much.  Because truly, in my  heart, I KNEW that I hadn't done or said anything to hurt him.  So why?  Why couldn't I just let it go knowing that I had done my best to resolve the situation?  Why not just say, "hey not everyone has to like me...."  y'know?  I'm still taking a look at that one.  At what point do we need to stop apologizing?  In my case, I think it was more of a character issue.  It was important to me that he understand that I wasn't like that.  I would do something to hurt him.  Yet, looking at it from the other side now, obviously, I had.  I suppose Ray's not acknowledging my apology was his way of punishing me.  But in turn, wasn't it more of a punishment to the self to have to put yourself through purposely working so hard to hurt the one you're upset with?  Anyways, these are all things that I'm pondering.  What do you think?  I'd love to hear from you.